A New Beginning

New Blog

2012-01-02T18:15:00.000+10:30

I'm not sure if anyone still checks in here but if so please note I am now blogging at taniashealthylifestyle.blogspot.com

I will be closing this blog down very soon!

The Time Has Come...

2010-02-10T04:29:00.002+10:30

After a long journey spanning many years and nearly 600 posts i'm about to close down this blog forever! I'm actually quite excited about it, i've ventured on a new journey where I fully intend to be more open and honest in my blogging than ever before but i've decided to go private!

My first (epic) entry is already up and running - if you'd like to receive an invite please email me at teejay_32@hotmail.com

In the meantime i'll still post here for a few weeks to come!

3.1kgs :-)

2010-02-09T21:40:00.003+10:30

It would seem there was an advantage to being sick! Now to keep it off! To be honest, after not eating much for a few days I am expecting some of it to go back on, but seeing as I only had to lose 1.5kgs to achieve my 10% loss i'd be happy to know that I still have it next week! So if any has to go back on I just hope it's less than 1.6kgs, but rest assured i'll be doing everything I can to avoid that happening.

Now to those people that are often nagging me about doing too much (and it's not just people that read my blog) I have made a decision today. I have decided to cut back to 2 sessions of gym a week from now on. I've done this to ensure that I can spend more nights with my family and because it suits me when i'm committed to a gym I really don't like that much for another 8 months - of course the advantage is that i've now worked my way up to 90 minutes of cardio and will continue to do that every visit and fully intend to add 30 minutes of weights into that in the near future - so 2 visits means a total of 3 hours at present and will equl 4 hours eventually. Of course i'm still doing an aqua aerobics class a week and using my treadmill at home fairly regularly to get my pedometer moving to 10,000 steps a day.

The fact remains (gastro aside) that I set myself a goal to lose 20kgs this year and i've lost 8.1kgs in 6 weeks, I feel if I keep putting too many expectations on myself it may begin to slowly unravel. having said that i don't feel like i'm putting pressure on myself but I also can't deny that I did feel relieved having come to this decision.

I'm now feeling much better and looking forward to going back to work tomorrow and being back in my normal routine. It's amazing how much you take the simplest of things for granted when you're not feeling well! I've even tracked my food (believe it or not I actually missed tracking), now I know i've become "addicted" to this new way of life ... lol

10% WW Goal Tomorrow Night ...

2010-02-08T20:34:00.003+10:30

And I don't know whether I should be excited or not! I can feel the weight that i've lost this weekend and will be surprised if I haven't dropped between 2 and 3 kilos tomorrow night on the scales - and seeing as i'm only 1.5kgs away from achieving my 10% goal i'm not sure whether I should be happy or sad about it. Of course i'd be happy to achieve it but in another sense I feel like i've cheated at achieving it by being sick. I guess the true test will come in the week that follows to make sure that I don't gain too much back. If I remain 1.5kgs lower over the two week period then I achieve it because i've earnt it - it's just that when you've been chasing a goal for more than 6 months and you suddenly feel like you achieve it under false pretences it sort of takes the glory out of it.

Having said that I feel like I am improving slowly. I went to my doctor today who told me that i'm doing everything right and there's nothing else he can do for me, not exactly what I want to hear. He did say from what i've told him that I am probably at the end of it which is some advantage I guess but having gastro for 3 days straight is not pleasant! I have tomorrow off work and am resting up as much as I can with intervals of doing a few little tasks around the house just to slowly build up my energy levels.

I missed The Biggest Loser towards the end of last week and finally caught up on Thursday and Friday nights episodes today - wow! I LOVE Masterclass, and have to say with all the hype you hear about how much time really goes on between weigh ins etc and the reality of the show this is something FABULOUS that they're sharing with all the people at home - I was impressed and can't wait to see the next episode on Friday. But for now i'm going to catch up on some well overdue blog reading! I guess that's one advantage about sick leave I can have some "me" time in between the constant naps and toilet visits (TMI? ... yeah, I thought so too)! Back soon.

A Tough Couple of Days

2010-02-07T08:02:00.002+10:30

What was supposed to be a big weekend for me has taken a dramatic change for the worse! I went out with some friends for dinner and a movie on Friday night and came home looking forward to having a family day yesterday with swimming lessons, shopping, lunch and going to the drive in followed by a trip to McLaren Vale for an overnight stay with 3 friends to see the Rob Thomas and Vanessa Amorosi concert! But that all turned sour late Friday night.

I woke up in the middle of the night with a bout of gastro - Lachie had had it earlier in the week, but he had a lot of vomiting as well, Michael caught it and only had it for a short time but no vomiting and luckily Mikayla and I missed it - or so we thought!

The problem is I donated blood on Thursday night, so I had to ring the Red Cross to tell them that i'd come down with gastro and their response was thanks for letting us know, we may be able to use your plasma but will dispose of the blood. Then they put me onto a medical officer who gave me advice based on the fact that our immune system is compromised for 72 hours after donating blood - hence I would feel the effects of this greater than if I hadn't donated blood - well that's definitely been the case!

I'm completely exhausted, pale, can't eat and late last night I had to call a locum because I felt very faint and thought I was going to pass out when going to the toilet and I got the sweats. The locum came out about 10.30pm and gave me maxolon which had stopped the vomiting. Amazing that I didn't vomit at all until I started to take hydrolyte and after the second dose of that I started throwing it all up!

So today I still have a little bit of diarrhoea, though nowhere near as bad as yesterday and am trying to eat to get back some strength - yesterday I had a few dry crackers and water, i've just finished a piece of toast with vegemite (no butter) and some diluted apple juice and so far so good. My big problem is I simply feel exhausted I have absolutely no energy at all which is a catch 22 because i'm sure if I could eat i'd regain some strength! So today is another rest day, I wasn't successful in selling my tickets so have lost the money for the concert because I just can't face the thought of going. Thankfully I have tomorrow off work as an annual leave day anyway so can rest up with no kids (it's not easy resting when you're sick with 2 kids in the house).

So no doubt i'll be in for a very good loss this week but not for reasons I wanted, oh well, I think from now on i'll cancel my blood donation appointment anytime ANYONE in the family has been sick in the week prior (the questionnaire you fill out prior to donating blood asks "have you been sick or unwell in the last week" and rightly or wrongly I ticked no because I hadn't and had assumed the bug had gone - no such luck! I'll be back soon with a brighter post.

Feeling Blah!

2010-02-03T20:33:00.003+10:30

It's 8.30pm and i'm in bed already - i'm not sure if it's the early starts catching up with me or if i've caught the bug my little man has but I just don't feel right at the moment - fingers crossed it's the earlier not the latter!

Suffice to say I didn't go to aqua aerobics tonight and I will miss the gym tomorrow night too as I have my appointment to donate blood (though may have to cancel that if i'm not feeling better tomorrow). But I did manage 4 bonus points on the pedometer today with the help of a big walk this morning and 20 minutes on the treadmill.

I'm feeling good about the exercise - i'm really enjoying it and most days I find myself WANTING to do it, but of course there's a balance too - if I really don't feel like doing it then I don't and i'm not feeling guilty over it. It's taken me too long to get to this stage!

With 11.4kgs lost and only 1.5kgs to go to my 10% i'm more motivated than ever before. I was thinking about doing fast track this week but i've decided to put that off until it fits into my life (socially speaking) - i'm going away on Sunday night with the girls to see Rob Thomas and Vanessa Amorosi in concert and we're staying in a motel afterwards so I'll be away from lunch, dinner and breakfast on Monday. Of course i'll make the best choices possible but it might be a little hard to stick within points.

Then Friday night there's a possibility i'll be out for dinner and a movie and Saturday night we're planning taking the kids to the drive in so it's yet another busy weekend ahead! Thankfully I have Monday off and with any luck we'll be home by lunch time so i'll have a lazy afternoon ahead of me which will no doubt include a visit to the gym! Who knows if I start work early enough tomorrow and can finish early I might be able to get there tomorrow too!

I've made a long term decision regarding the gym too - i'm guessing I only have about 8 or 9 months left of my membership and once that's up I will be cancelling it and have decided to go back to Fernwood with one little addition - i'm definitely going to do it with a personal training session each week - I think i'll be so much further into the journey by that stage and closing in on double digits that i'll gain significant benefit from it.

Ok, time for me to turn out the light and get a good night's sleep - still trying to catch up on blogs, chances are i'll be visiting yours soon and will be sure to leave a comment!

I'm A Happy Girl!

2010-02-02T21:28:00.002+10:30

Weighed in tonight to a loss of 1.6kgs - that was good news in itself but then it suddenly occurred to me that I set myself a goal to lose 20kgs in 2010 to take me into double digits and my loss tonight takes me to a total loss of 5kgs in 5 weeks, so i'm already a quarter of the way there after just one month!

And if that isn't enough motivation to prove that what i'm doing is working - i'm suddenly only 1.5kgs away from finally achieving my Weight Watchers 10% goal. I'm embracing the changes i've made, i'm glad that i've stuck with what's working for me and I really feel that i'm finally making this a lifestyle change and ditching the diet mentality.

Now if only my little man will get better i'd be a happy girl all round! Lachie has some sort of bug and hasn't been well - the poor little guy was devastated that he's going to miss his second week of kindy tomorrow, but fingers crossed he'll be better soon.

The Biggest Loser

2010-01-31T21:27:00.003+10:30

It's that time of the year again and I kicked off the first episode with a great start! It's very hard to watch live TV with two toddlers before their bedtime so as I always do I taped the show and watched it once the kids went to bed - and what a productive viewing it was!

I've learnt this weight loss journey is about a lifestyle change and lifestyle is about so many factors that influence each and every day. For more that means I need to be motivated and organised to juggle all of life's aspects - work, kids, weight, housework etc - today was one of those Sundays that I love and need to have more of! We had a sleep in then Michael took care of the kids while I had some "me" time to watch TV in bed with my breakfast and a coffee then we headed off to swimming lessons.

As is our usual routine on Sundays we took the kids to Hungry Jacks to get a kids club meal (their one treat of the week) and we grabbed subway and came home and had lunch together with the afternoon stretched in front of us with no plans! Mikayla went to sleep, Michael and Lachie went into the study and I cranked up the music and tidied up the house, washed the clothes, prepared dinner and did lots of food preparation, packed kids bags, organised lunches etc for the week ahead!

When that was done I relaxed in a hot bubble bath while Michael took the kids into the toyroom, then I had a bath with the kids, sat down for a family dinner, read to my little angels and tucked them into bed and watched The Biggest Loser while ironing enough clothes for me and Michael for the whole week!

I did NO exercise for the day and didn't even bother with my pedometer - it was a conscious decision I made this morning to sacrifice exercise on a Sunday for the benefit of better organisation in my daily routine and i'm on the biggest lifestyle high at the moment and it's an amazing feeling! That puts me in a positive frame of mind and a "nothing can stop me" attitude and that gives me the right starting point for a successful week.

I went out for dinner last night and the temptation of the all you can eat soup/dessert/salad/vegetable bar was too much - it's quite simple really, if you put food that tempts me in front of me chances are I WON'T be able to resist it! I acknowledge that which is why I adopt a fail safe environment. I felt guilty because I came home feeling full and yet I did make reasonably good choices. I ordered roast beef that came on a plate smothered in gravy with 3 roast potatoes - I ate 1 of the potatoes, 2/3 of the meat and pushed most of the gravy aside and added corn, carrots and peas to my plate from the vegetable bar. I did have a small plate of salad and had soup and bread but opted for the vegetable soup instead of the cream of chicken. I wasn't strong enough to resist dessert either but had a VERY SMALL serve of apple crumble with soft serve - given past experiences in these types of restaurants I was actually proud of what I achieved but still the guilt set in because I felt too full. The wind up for the week is that at present I have used more than half my exercise points, not a position that I like to be in but still it's not a bad result either.

I will weigh in on Tuesday night for the first time in 2 weeks, i'm not expecting a big loss but don't see any reason why it won't be a loss - I have the scales out at the moment for a February 1st weigh in tomorrow morning - January 1st showed me 119.7kgs on my scales, will be interesting to see what tomorrow brings.

I've been a very slack blog reader over the last week two but will catch up on that tonight and tomorrow night.

What A Week!

2010-01-29T21:40:00.002+10:30

I've had one of those weeks that have completely zapped me of energy! There have been some tough decisions made at work recently and being the PA to 3 managers i've been the "meat in the sandwich" so to speak, being used as everyone's sounding board and it was emotionally draining! It all came to a head this afternoon when I took the high road and thought I was about to seek comfort in food when I reminded myself that "I DON'T DO THAT ANYMORE" and was very pleased to have one that victory.

Now the weekend has finally arrived and I didn't get to the gym last night, I was so tired and drained and got home from work later than expected so wasn't even able to make it to the Weight Watchers meeting at Wynn Vale like I planned (how dare the public holiday fall on MY meeting day ... lol). Never mind, i'm fully intending to make up the gym session by getting there both Saturday and Sunday for my 90 minute cardio session again :-) That's such a high!

Very excited about The Biggest Loser starting on Sunday night - i'm thinking of setting myself a challenge while watching it! I'm not sure if I should make it the same rule as Melrose Place (i.e. i'm not allowed to watch it unless i'm walking on the treadmill) or whether I should use my step and my situp spring and do what I did last year.

For anyone new to my blog I watched Biggest Loser last year and did 100 steps and 50 situps during every episode of the first week, then as each week passed I increased the steps by 20 and the situps by 10 - doesn't seem much in the start but half way through the series it was becoming quite a workout!

Out for dinner tomorrow night to a hotel that has a kids indoor playground and all you can eat soup/salad/vegetable/dessert bar - am thinking I will order a warm chicken salad or roast or something simple and fill up on better options of soup and salad etc so that i'm full by the time the others go up for dessert! Nothing like a bit of temptation though - right before we go out for dinner we're taking Lachie to his very first birthday party at Hungry Jacks - why do these things always have to happen in the same day? Oh well, i'm strong enough to resist, I KNOW I am! Will catch up on blogs over the weekend - have a great couple of days, I intend to!

Aqua Aerobics

2010-01-27T21:54:00.002+10:30

I'd forgotten how much I loved it! I got back in the pool tonight and enjoyed every minute of the class and realised how much of a workout it was when it earned me 4 bonus points for a 45 minute class (though the class went for longer). Looking forward to going again next week.

But even more exciting is what I achieved at the gym yesterday! I pushed myself through the pain barrier and FINALLY achieved what i've been trying to do since joining - 90 minutes of solid cardio and it felt AMAZING! 30 minutes each on the treadmill (incline of 8), bike and rower - the rower was the last thing and I admit I struggled to get to the 30 minutes but I kept visualising The Biggest Loser and reminding myself that I have a higher level of fitness than new contestants on that show and if they can do it then SO CAN I! Suffice to say it worked and I'll be heading back to do it all again tomorrow night :-)

I won't be weighing in this week - it's just not practical, the meeting at Wynn Vale tomorrow night is at 6pm - it will be a crazy rush for me and as it's doubtful that Michael will be able to leave work early to be home before I leave I would need to take the kids with me which means I wouldn't be able to stay for the meeting anyway, so I have just updated my weight as a "stay the same" for the week and will be back to my normal meeting next Tuesday.

Oh and I've come to some new decisions too - I've found it a bit tough to find the time for the treadmill today and i'm probably going to have the same problem tomorrow so i've decided that I really want those steps up on the pedometer on the days that I don't go to the gym or do aqua aerobics and not worry myself so much about them on other days, I'll still wear the pedometer to encourage me to do extra steps but if I don't get to 10,000 I can live with that! I would like to aim to earn between 40 and 50 bonus points a week - and with 3 gym workouts and 1 aqua aerobics class I earn 26.5 points so that should be achievable.

And speaking of decisions - i've FINALLY decided what I'm going to do about the gym! I'm going to keep doing the 90 minutes of cardio and when time permits add 20-30 minutes of weights onto the end of it. It's tough to work out in the weights room sometimes but I have a carrot dangling in front of me that makes it easier to achieve, more on that one later!

Damn Body Clock

2010-01-26T07:24:00.002+10:30

As a mum to an almost 4 year old and 16 month old, sleep ins aren't a common thing in this house! Last night we babysat a friends boys and as a result my kids didn't go to bed until later than usual, so I stayed up til midnight knowing I could sleep in but there I was wide awake at 6.30am! An hour later and i'm sitting in bed on the laptop and everyone else (including the dogs) are still fast asleep - what's up with that?

I'm declaring today a "COMPUTER FREE" day, well when I finish this anyway! I've just read up on all the blogs, posted on Facebook, touched base with forums, checked emails etc and there's no need to go back on again! I have so much I want to do around this house that never seems to get done, so if I achieve it today my reward with be a nice hot bubble bath later on with my new scented candle burning, with a bottle of water by my side and a magazine - BLISS!

I had fish and chips for dinner last night and it reminded me why I love this program - I don't feel guilty, I ended the day being only 1 point over my limit and with exercise points it's made up anyway! So many people don't eat foods like that for whatever reason, I personally know my limitations and if I sat there while everyone else ate it and I didn't that's when i'd be in trouble! Of course my fish was grilled and my chips weighed to 7 points worth, it was a great feeling and a delicious dinner!

So on today's agenda is cleaning out the fridges, tidying up the lounge room (it still has all the odds and ends in it from our big declutter) get to the gym, do some housework, take the dogs for a walk, get on the treadmill, visit my nana in hospital, have some play time with the kids and finish the day with a bubble bath and TV before getting an early night! I could use a public holiday on a Tuesday more often - to all the Aussies out there - HAPPY AUSTRALIA DAY!

Oh and being a public holiday my WW meeting isn't on tonight so i'm going to a meeting on Thursday night instead this week, making this a 9 day week and next week a 5 day week.

4-Legged Personal Trainers

2010-01-25T23:44:00.002+10:30

Firstly a big thank you to everyone who commented on my last post. So many of us that are on this journey have problems with emotional eating and I really feel like what I achieved yesterday was a success. As cliche'd as it is, if I can succeed through this battle so can EVERYONE! I keep trying to remind myself that eating that comfort food just isn't worth it - I deserve better than that and I will make sure I get better - after all it IS in my control.

I didn't get to my 10,000 steps today, I ended up having a busy day at the office and soon after I got home some friends arrived with their kids as we offered to babysit while they had a night out so the treadmill missed out for the night! I did take the dogs for a brief walk but it was getting dark when I headed out so I didn't go as far as I would have liked, but it was a good workout all the same! We walked out of our gates to see a big dog just ahead of us - Jessie and Tara were chasing the dog with such force they literally dragged me along, I had to walk quite fast to just keep up with them, perhaps I should follow other dogs being walked in the future, just to get an even better workout.

I'm looking forward to having the day off for Australia Day tomorrow - i'm heading to the gym tomorrow morning with the intention of pushing myself to a full 90 minutes workout (25 minutes treadmill, 25 minutes bike, 25 minutes rower, 15 minutes weights) - will let you know how I get on with it! Plus i've already decided that this pedometer will give me 5 bonus points tomorrow, and you can bet that if I want it i'll make it happen, even if it means wearing the dogs (or the treadmill) out in the process!

Emotional Eating

2010-01-24T20:54:00.002+10:30

Yes I succumbed and I'm damn proud of myself because I wrestled back control! My nana hasn't been well of late, she's been in intense pain and is in hospital for a while now, I got a phone call from my mum today to tell me that she thinks it's the beginning of the end - she's 93 years of age and has had a great life but the pain is getting to her and she's been telling the family that she just wants to die! I'm afraid that she's giving up and as my mum said on the phone she will probably be better off as nothing is easing the pain - not even morphine!

I'm going to the hospital on Tuesday to see her - I hung the phone up from my mum, walked to the kitchen opened the fridge door, took out the butter and cream cheese, grabbed the fresh bread and indulged in a slice! Only to go back for a second! Then I thought about what I was doing, I thought about the impact these choices have had on my life and thought about my dear nana and proudly took myself off to the bathroom with a bottle of water and enjoyed a nice relaxing bubble bath instead! 4.5 points later and my "emotional eating binge" was under control - no long term effects, no takeaway for dinner because "i've blown it anyway", control was there for the taking and I took it back and that's something i'm damn proud off - i'm sure if I told her my nana would be pretty proud of me too!

Wanting it Badly Enough?

2010-01-23T23:25:00.003+10:30

So there I was after my Weight Watchers meeting on Tuesday night, getting all emotional about the fact that I didn't want Lachie to feel the effects of my weight when he goes to school and the conversation ended with my leader Tina saying it comes down to the fact that you have to ask yourself how much you want this? And if you want it badly enough you have to get out there and do it! You know, regardless how much you try to sugar coat it, that's what it's all about! She may well have come across as rude to someone who didn't know her - but it's her way of getting the message across, which is exactly what she did!

So how badly do I want this? I want it badly enough that I started my day at the gym, took the dogs for a walk when I got home this afternoon and then ended my day on the treadmill! I want it badly enough that when standing in a food court full of delicious, tempting smells with my family today, I headed straight to the sandwich bar and chose a chicken and salad wrap for lunch with a skinny cappuccino! It's suddenly occurred to me that I am only 3.1kgs away from my 10% goal - that's my focus, i'm not looking beyond that at this stage and do I want to achieve it badly enough - YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT!

Obstacles In The Way

2010-01-22T23:09:00.002+10:30

To recap on my week, in the space of only 5 days i've gone from formulating a new plan, to questioning what i've been doing, to letting emotions run wild to KNOWING that I am doing exactly what I need to be doing to shift this weight and regain my life! That's how I feel. And it makes me wonder if I didn't "need" this obstacle to come up this week, just to remind me that I am on the right path to success.

I rang and cancelled my appointment today, I didn't give a reason and just said no when she asked me if I wanted to reschedule my appointment! Contours (at this point in time) is not for me! I'm seeing a lower number on my scales than what i've seen for a VERY long time, my size 18 pants are starting to feel loose, I got up at 4.30am this morning and jumped on my treadmill - I feel like a definite challenge was thrown at me this week and I passed it with flying colours, it's a great feeling!

I know I have a lot of demons to fight but I also know that only I can battle them - one at a time! I HATE that I don't have enough time to read blogs and forums some days and that's a big focus for me, because I find so much motivation in other people's journeys - one thing is for sure, I don't want to look back in 5 years from now and feel like i'm still treading water, trying to succeed and failing in the process. This WILL be the last time I become a Weight Watchers members and with 9.8kgs already gone it's just going to get better from here.

Decision Made!

2010-01-21T20:54:00.002+10:30

All i've done this week is think! It's crazy, if I hadn't of walked past Contours on Monday I wonder if I would have even doubted what I was doing, it was only because I saw the possibility of another option that I even started thinking about different paths.

The upshot is that whatever path we choose, whatever success we have NO ONE is responsible for it but ourselves! So to take my leader Tina's advice I have made a decision about how much I want this and to stop dicking around! If it's not broke, don't fix it - suffice to say I have lost 9.8kgs with Weight Watchers, i'm loving watching my steps increase on my pedometer, getting to the gym, jumping on the treadmill! I'm enjoying the tracking, the support from others on the journey and looking forward to starting aqua.

So why am I even contemplating a change??? Seriously, once I'd made my decision I can't believe I even considered changing what was happening. Perhaps a moment of self doubt! I can't control when this journey will end, I only know that I can face each week, each day as a new beginning and do the best I can that day/week!

I'm realistic enough to have set myself a goal to be at my goal weight of 62kgs by the time I celebrate my 40th birthday (i'm not 40 until June 2012) - so that's 57kgs in 29 months (quite possible if I stay on the straight and narrow). It's not realistic to think i'll be "skinny" by the time Lachlan has started school, and he may well be teased for a number of reasons (including his height) all I can do is be a positive role model to him (which i'm not doing at present) and focus on that.

So suffice to say I will be cancelling my trial with Contours tomorrow, I love the weight watchers program, I enjoy counting points and there may be a time when I hit a plateau and can't move past it and that would be the ideal opportunity to visit a change in program - but while weight watchers works, weight watchers it is!

Wow - That's Been An Interesting Day!

2010-01-19T22:29:00.002+10:30

Got a coffee? Wine? I'll wait a sec while you go and do it, this could be one of THOSE posts where you need it if you have any intentions of reading right through to the end. In fact having said that some of the things I'm about to say are a bit hard to admit to even for myself and it is making me consider going private with my blog, something I thought I would never do, but a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do!

But first things first, TOM arrived today and I have to admit I was embracing myself for quite a small loss as my watch in particular was feeling quite tight, so I was pretty proud to jump on those scales to a loss of 1kg - that's 3.4kgs in 3 weeks now so i'm definitely on track for my goal of losing 10kgs in 10 weeks :-) Definitely a positive!

So all this saga that i've kept you in suspense about all started at lunch time yesterday! I went to work as per normal, wearing my pedometer, early start, all my snacks, breakfast and lunch supplies all packed as well as my exercise clothes! So lunch time rolls around and I get changed and head out for a walk on my own, even though I had planned to take the dogs for a walk once the kids went to bed I was determined to get my pedometer reading as high as possible (for interest sake I finished on over 14,000 steps and 6 bonus points).

As I was about three quarters through my walk I walked past a group of shops which include Contours! No surprise there, I walk that way all the time, but for some reason yesterday it had an effect on me, I started thinking how easy it would be to have joined Contours instead of Pro Fitness so that I could just head down there during my lunch breaks ... the seed was planted!

Over the course of the afternoon I started second guessing things about my weight loss journey, my results so far, whether i'm doing the right thing for me, the right thing by my family and whether there was anything more or different I could do to achieve a better result. When I start thinking it can be a VERY dangerous thing! But anyway, I can't even begin to tell you how much went through my mind over the next hour or two.

And before I knew it I had formulated a plan! I had rung Contours and asked them if they did weigh ins and took measurements - THEY DID! And suddenly I was considering the possibility of giving up Weight Watchers and spending that money per month on doing Contours AS WELL as my gym! Now a brief update for those who don't know - I work 45 minutes away from home, therefore whatever decision I make about a gym doesn't fit in regards to going to the same place on weekends/nights and during my lunch breaks. I decided to be honest with myself in the fact that I do (and possibly always will) feel intimidated in the weights room at Pro Fitness, on most occasions i've been the only girl in there surrounded by as many as 15 or 20 men! I don't have an issue in the cardio room, in fact i've gotten my cardio up to an hours duration on 5 different machines (an achievement i'm quite proud of). So I figured it would be a good balance - I would go to Contours during my lunch breaks on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays doing weights there and do an hour of cardio on Tuesday and Thursday nights and Saturday mornings. It had a great bonus on my family life (as most working mums would agree it's VERY hard to find time for yourself without feeling like you're neglecting your family in the process), in that come April I will be working a permanent 9.30am - 2.30pm shift on Tuesdays and Thursdays when Lachie goes to Kindy - so I would have the benefit of being home at 3.30pm, spending a good 4 hours with the kids and then go to the gym once they went to sleep at 8pm.

I wonder now if that wasn't more of the reason that this ideal appealed to me. I would say that by last night (after running my thoughts past Kazz) I was about 95% sure I would take this path and move away from Weight Watchers. Nothing wrong with the program - I just can't help but think that it was more about the food and the success I was achieving at present was more about the exercise! The thing that has been bugging me was that before tonights loss I had lost a total of 8.8kgs in 6 months - and I lost 8.2kgs in my first 8 weeks! And yes I know this is where I need to practice what I preach (i'd be the first person to tell someone else to focus on the total loss). I know that the two biggest benefits I get from WW is the accountability for weighing in and the tracking option with eTools.

Obviously with my new plan the accountability was taken care of and as for the tracking I had two options I could follow. I could continue to use the weight watchers points system and track via a spreadsheet or I could change things completely and start counting calories using the Calorie King website ... last night I was excited about the whole idea and as I said I was reasonably confident I was going to do it and I was looking forward to my free trial this Friday at Contours.

So off I went to the weight watchers meeting tonight and was reminded again about how annoying some of the changes were - 3 lines with only 1 set of scales etc! Anyway we (myself, Tina, Tania and Karen) stayed back after the meeting and had a chat to the leader - Tina told her that she had cancelled her membership to join the gym and I completely support and understand Tina's reasons for her (thought as i've said to her I was going to miss not catching up with her on Tuesday nights) and I started speaking to the girls, and our leader Tina about my plans and why I wanted to do them and before I knew it I was getting so emotional.

I don't think I even realised how much some of this emotion was affecting me - my biggest frustration came from the fact that the numbers aren't dropping as quickly as I would like or more importantly as quickly as i'm capable of losing. I don't have unreasoanble expectations, I believe in planning for the lower end of the spectrum of 500 grams per week but even that means I should have been able to lose over 13kgs by now (which incidentally would have given me my 10%) and I started talking about how I have a time limit ... that's when the emotion set in.

I am TERRIFIED of my son living my life, my daughter living my life and enduring the pain and torment that was normal when I was a child. You see unlike so many people on this journey I don't have a skinny photo to look back on and aim to get back to as i've NEVER been skinny! I've been fat all my life, from the age of a toddler right through my school years and all through my adult life and i've lived a life with a great feeling of worthlessness and massive levels of self esteem issues because of the constant torment and teasing that I grew up with as a result of that weight! I've hidden behind it, cursed myself because of it, blamed it and yet continued to feed it year after year - I don't understand why, I can only imagine it comes down to the fact that somewhere deep inside me is the attitude that i'm not worth the effort it takes to lose the weight. Some of these issues are things i've hidden away from, i've never talked about and maybe that's half the problem in itself, maybe I need to admit these things, not to anyone reading this blog but more importantly to myself.

I was one of those people that would walk down the street in tears because of the comments that someone in a passing car would shout at the window - complete strangers thought they had the right to tease me, just because I was fat - some 20 or 25 years later that still hurts, and no doubt they forgot all about me 20 or 25 seconds later not thinking (or perhaps not caring) about the impact that would have on me so far into the future. Now i'm an adult, i'm still battling this issue and the demons that result from it and in 15 months from now my gorgeous baby boy will start school and my worst fear for him is that he will be the subject of bullying, not because of anything he does or doesn't do himself but more because he's the kid with the fat mum! The fear of that happening haunts me often and I want better for my son. That in itself has motivated me to achieve so much in the last 6 months because i've said before and i'll say it again - even if the results aren't showing on the scales i've come a massive way in regards to my mindset and exercise focus which are just as important as the food choices.

Then I think back to soon after Lachie was born - I went back to weight watchers was doing quite well, joined Fernwood and loved going to the gym again and allowed myself to be talked into the Slimplicity program that they offered. I don't know why I chose to move away from weight watchers when it was working so well for me but I did and it all went downhill from there - so the lesson learnt from that experience was if it's not broken, don't fix it! That made me realise that no decision could be made about this until I was 100% sure of what I wanted to do.

Few things have had an impact (positive or negative) on me as the teasing and tormenting that I endured through the early years of my life! I mean I left school at the age of 15 because of the bullying, especially when a lot of that bullying had been led by a former good friend of mine. I've fought so many demons - not only from others but also from my own thoughts and fears and I know I take things to the extreme in regards to being self conscious about things that just aren't happening and that's a whole epic journey of self discovery in itself!

And yes i'm digressing! My point i'm going to make is that Tina (the leader) had a profound impact on me, she showed a genuine interest in what my issues were and pretty much told me to ask myself how serious I was and get on with the job! She was quite blunt about it actually but that's exactly what I needed, and it made me realise what a battle lies ahead of me - not in the food, not in the water consumption, not in the exercise - i'm so far in front of those areas it's the mindset that I still have to work on - as much as i feel i've made progress i don't think you can undo 30 odd years of negative self talk in 6 months.

The support I got from Tina, Karen, Tania and the leader Tina was AMAZING - what a fabulous bunch of people! A weight watchers meeting isn't exactly the ideal time to burst into tears but lets face it who else can really understand these issues?

I walked in all but convinced I was moving on from weight watchers and walked out not having a clue what was right or wrong for me. Part of me thought I should stay, part of me wants to go and I started thinking I owed it to myself to wait until after the trial on Friday. But since i've been home i've come to another conclusion all together - i'm following what i said earlier in this post "if it's not broke don't fix it" so for the time being at least I won't be going anywhere. Contours can be an ace up my sleeve if I need it but I think there's a lot more benefit in me doing what I know as second nature and dealing with some of the emotional side of this journey, challenging the demons that arise and shooting them down one by one.

Because reality tells me that I can definitely be about 90 or 95kgs when Lachie starts school, that's not goal weigh but it's a bloody lot closer to it than where i'm at now and it only has to become an issue if I let it be one! Let's not forget that if I portray my weight as a negative that i'm worried about and he picks up on that he's going to see it as a negative too and that's not the path I want him to be set up on. I also have to think further down the track, I have a daughter now too and I don't want her walking the path i've walked for so many years.

Sure I could get greater results doing something else, or I might not, I don't know what the future holds but I do know that tonight during that talk with my leader she made a comment so profound that i'm focussing on it at the moment. She told me to really think long and hard about how desperately I want this and how far i'm willing to go to achieve it because at the end of the day no one can motivate me to do it - only I can!

So how much do I want to succeed on this weight loss journey? I want it more than anything i've ever wanted before! I don't like who I am, some will say that's a problem in itself because unless I learn to like myself I won't feel I deserve this, maybe that's true, maybe that in itself is an issue I need to deal with. I know that losing the weight won't automatically make everything fine with my world, I have some deep scars that I need to address, some demons that need to be faced and some battles to win but the journey of a thousand miles begins with one small step.

So basically i've spent the last 36 hours going from a happy weight watcher to someone who wanted a more exciting path, to an emotional wreck back to being unsure to not changing anything at present - does that even make sense???

Yes, there's still so much work to be done and I couldn't do any of it without the support of the amazing people out there who support me on facebook, read my blog and particularly to those lovely people who have become friends of mine over a number of years in real life - you always have had an impact on my life and no doubt always will.

As to the gym - well i think the best thing for me to do at present is to walk away from the weights room and focus on the cardio for a few weeks - I think the weights will become a big part of my plan once I lose 10% - it's a pledge I can make to myself but until then i will do 60 minutes of cardio 3 times a week, 1 aqua aerobics class and 10,000 steps a day!

So if you're still reading well done! Please feel free to leave a comment, what would you do if you were in my situation - I appreciate your feedback!

I'm Doing A Lot Of Thinking...

2010-01-18T21:55:00.003+10:30

This could become quite dangerous! I am about 95% sure i'm about to make a MAJOR change to achieve success in this lifestyle battle i'm on. I'm VERY excited about the prospect of it and the only thing holding me back is that I want to make sure I don't make any decisions on a whim. I would go into more details now but want the unbiased opinion of a couple of people first, one i've already asked and she confirmed my decision the other one is tomorrow night.

So as mysterious as all this sounds i'll explain what i'm thinking about and all my reasons for thinking it in a decent post tomorrow night.

In the meantime i've had a fabulous day back in the office! Had an early start today and another early start tomorrow - packed my lunch bag complete with an english muffin and tinned spaghetti for breakfast, apple, 2 apricots, rice crackers and yoghurt for snacks, and all the ingredients to make a ham salad for lunch! Drank 5 x 600ml bottles of water, walked for 40 minutes during my lunch break and took the dogs for a 30 minute walk tonight, with incidental exercise added that was a mere 14,000 steps and 6 bonus points - not too shabby for a "non-exercise day" :-)

So on that note i'm off to bed to get some sleep - 4.3oam comes around very quickly these days and as I have WW tomorrow night I won't get to walk the dogs so i'm on the treadmill in the morning instead - can someone say "LOVING LIFE" ... lol

End of Week Catch Up

2010-01-16T22:42:00.002+10:30

Well there has definitely been no such thing as easing gradually back into my routine! It's been a crazy couple of days and I wouldn't have it any other way. It's actually nice to have my routine back, even if it does mean there's less "me" time for blogging, facebook etc once again. Never mind, i'll just make the most of the time I do have available and catch up when I can.

I'm very pleased to say I stuck EXACTLY to my plan over the last couple of days! Rewarding myself with a half a scone with strawberry jam and a small amount of whipped cream at afternoon tea both days - other than that I enjoyed ham and salad wraps for lunch and HEAPS of fresh fruit from the fruit platters on offer!

I did let myself down on the exercise front though, as work was so crazy I didn't get to the gym at all on Wednesday, Thursday or Friday and only achieved my 10,000 steps on my pedometer on Wednesday. I started today already 9,000 steps down for the week but caught 4,000 of them up by the end of the day, doing over 14,000 steps.

The mistake I made was doing that (14,000 steps) for 6 bonus points on the same day that I worked hard at the gym to earn 7 bonus points! Suffice to say my feet are aching like you wouldn't believe now but no pain, no gain right?

And I loved the variety at the gym today too! I did my 5 pieces of cardio equipment - treadmill, bike, rower, stepper and cross trainer followed by weights! I did 60 minutes total cardio and plan to try and increase that a little further in time.

It had been a great day until tonight! One of my old school friends on my facebook page had mentioned that they took their daughter to see the new Chipmunks movie at the drive in last Saturday night, I thought it was a fabulous idea and we decided to take Lachie and Mikayla tonight! I've been talking to Lachie about it all week and he was so excited about it and so was I (I love our family Saturday nights together) but it would seem Michael "FORGOT" to check the movie details like he was planning to on Thursday night and the movie wasn't on! Of course we didn't find out until we were actually at the drive in and try explaining that situation to a 3 year old! Suffice to say it's on at our local cinema tomorrow afternoon and i've already told Michael he can take Lachie to see it - I don't want him missing out! I was so annoyed!

Ok, time for a quick catch up on everyone elses blog before getting some sleep. I'm looking forward to weigh in on Tuesday night and starting aqua aerobics again on Wednesday night.

Back to Being A Working Girl ;-)

2010-01-13T21:25:00.002+10:30

And no, I don't mean THAT kind of working girl ... lol ... today was my first day back in the office and what a day it was! I was rushed off my feet for the whole day, left home at 6.30am and arrived back home just before 7.00pm - but that didn't stop me from taking the dogs for a walk as soon as the kids were settled for the night!

I did a lot of rushing around the office, walked all over Marion during my lunch break and then walked the dogs tonight to get to just over 11,000 steps on the pedometer! Today was a busy day in preparation for a 2 day New Year kick-off conference which means two very busy days for me starting tomorrow morning! The downside is that i'm sitting down most of them so I'll be starting the next two days with a treadmill workout to ensure I get my 10,000 steps, especially as I won't get to the gym until Saturday!

As of next week i'm hoping to stabilise myself into a pattern of getting to the gym every Tuesday (after WW), Thursday and Saturday and going to aqua aerobics on Wednesdays! That on top of my 10,000 steps a day will be a good dose of exercise for the week!

Oh and just realised I didn't update last night either - for those that don't know (due to my facebook status) I lost another 500 grams, taking my total to 2.4kgs in 2 weeks (the same amount of weight I gained in the Christmas week), so i'm pretty happy with that result which leaves me with 7.6kgs to lose in 8 weeks!

The next two days morning tea, lunch and afternoon tea are supplied - the advantage of being the function co-ordinator is I get to choose the menu :-) - instead of ordering biscuits/cakes/scones etc for morning and afternoon tea I order that type of food for half the attendees and a fresh fruit platter for the other half (can anyone guess what i'll be eating?) and lunch we have assorted breads/wraps etc with loads of salad and sandwich meats so everyone can make their own salad, salad, wrap etc - of course there's quiches, pies etc but I figure i'll just fill up on the sandwich stuff and i'll be happy - might take some rice crackers in my bag just in case too so it's all covered!

I'm feeling good, i'm motivated, i'm in control and i'm loving it!

Only One Day Left :-(

2010-01-11T21:09:00.002+10:30

How did those holidays go so quickly? One more day off and i'm back in the office from 8am Wednesday morning, the good thing though is that I only have to work 3 days this week and then 4 days a week for the next 3 weeks! Now I need to find a way to take everything i've put into practice over the last few weeks and include it in my lifestyle while working! That could prove to be a challenge but i'm determined to find a way.

Off to the gym again today to work up another sweat with an hour of cardio and i'm back there again tomorrow to do an hour of cardio followed by 30 minutes of weights! That will be my longest visit yet if I pull it off! I'm going to try something different tomorrow too - I'm thinking that I might give the treadmill a miss at the gym, after all i'm doing 40-50 minutes a day on my treadmill at home most days so it's going to get a bit boring. I'm going to try and do 30 minutes on the bike (which i'm comfortable with) and 10 minutes each on the stepper, cross trainer and rowing machine and see how I get on. If i'm not challenging myself what's the point?

I am trying to focus on not having any expectations of the scales tomorrow night - I know in theory I am due a loss based on my points alone! I have yet to update my tracker but as at last night I think I had eaten 20 bonus points out of the 52.5 used (I usually aim to eat no more than half of them) so i'm not doing too badly!

Had a nice afternoon out with Kazz today, we went to Fellini's in North Adelaide for lunch - bruschetta and a warm chicken salad and then we went to the cinema to see "It's Complicated" - I loved it and can highly recommend it!

I need to post a favourite photo of the last month and will do that tomorrow, as i'm on the laptop at the moment and all my photos are downloaded to the desktop! I'll be back tomorrow to report on my result!

43 Degrees and I Exercised!

2010-01-10T23:13:00.002+10:30

Now I know that shouldn't be a big deal with air conditioning but I'm the queen of excuses and air conditioning or not that would have been enough to make me NOT exercise in the past! It's just another of those turning points i've reached in this journey where I want to succeed at losing weight more than I want to "succeed" at making excuses not to lose it!

It's been bloody hot here today but I started (and ended) my day with a huge amount of determination - I did 12,500 steps which was made up MOSTLY of treadmill walking, I even had a guilt free nana nap! Then spent the a couple of hours relaxing in the pool with the kids before enjoying a nice BBQ dinner - which for me meant fish fingers and salad! I managed to avoid the temptation of the sausages and burgers which I was damn proud of.

I've well and truly reached that point where I feel completely motivated and driven to achieve my goals and it's the most awesome feeling in the world. It's another 43 degree day here tomorrow and i'll be off to the gym in the morning before meeting Kazz for lunch and a movie! Home to relax in the afternoon, cool off in the pool with the kids when they get home and i'll be back on the treadmill again tomorrow night - who would have thought it could become so addictive! Bring on weigh in, i'm looking forward to it!

A Big Thankyou

2010-01-09T23:22:00.003+10:30

To everyone who takes the time to leave me comments - you have no idea how much I appreciate them, and in particular to Karen and Tina for your comments on my last post - I have so admired both of your efforts in this weight loss journey and understand how tough it is to put ourselves first when we're working mums!

I've had a FABULOUS day! I headed out to the gym early and worked out for a total of 90 minutes - I pushed myself past the pain barrier and just kept going and it felt AMAZING! I'm even considering going back tomorrow for another cardio workout (it will all depend on when my parents leave as they're dropping the kids home and coming to watch them at swimming lessons in the morning).

To top that off I spent the afternoon doing more decluttering on the house - we had a skip delivered yesterday and overnight babysitters organised so there was no way I was putting it off because of the heat! It was a tough ask but we did it - we finished the kids rooms, kitchen cupboards, bathrooms, bookshelves etc and the skip is full. It was nice to have it finished and sit back and relax with Michael watching a couple of episodes of Packed To The Rafters. He headed off to computer around 9pm and I checked my pedometer - woops! I'd only clocked up 3,500 steps (I don't wear it to the gym as I count the points for those workouts separately) - so even though it's 41 degrees today, I cranked up the air conditioner, put a DVD in and spent the next 60 minutes on the treadmill before hitting the shower - it was an awesome feeling.

Breakfast was toast, lunch was Subway and dinner was low fat butter chicken (Chicken tonight sauce) with boiled rice - and I snacked on a fresh fruit platter that I made - full of strawberries, grapes, pineapple, rockmelon and watermelon. I'm so sad that my holidays will come to an end on Tuesday, i'm just getting into that right zone I wanted to be in to really build on this exercise.

Never mind, I have a plan! I was thinking today how nice it would be to go back to aqua aerobics, even just once a week - I used to love Libby's class on a Thursday night so thought I might buy myself a 10 session pass and start it up again - I can always change my gym days to Mondays, Wednesdays and Saturdays to fit it in! It's an exciting time and having control over my ironing pile, housework etc is just inspiring me to do more with my health and exercise - I couldn't be happier, i'm in the right place to achieve big things this year!

Over This Heat!

2010-01-08T23:20:00.002+10:30

I haven't heard exactly what the weather has been in Adelaide over the past few days but I can tell you it's been hot and as a result i've been suffering from a few headaches. I had come to the conclusion that I probably wasn't drinking enough water for the amount of exercise i've been doing so i've increased it and what do you know the headaches have gone!

I'm feeling good about my week overall, i've had a couple of indulgences that included high point meals or snacks but i'm a master of doing that and working the points back - and its what works that matters most right? I had a mum's group meet here on Wednesday! Now I know my toy room is quite large (it's an extension on the side of our house) but even that didn't cope well with the amount of noise from the number of people that were here! I counted later and discovered that we had 7 adults, 8 kids and 5 babies! It was great to catch up with all the girls but the most surprising thing of all is the food I offered!

I have come to discover that a lamington finger is 1.5 points, an Arnott's hundreds and thousands biscuits is half a points and a cinammon donut is only 2.5 points so I offer these types of foods - so that when I know I can't resist the temptation I don't blow my points (I cut the donuts in half). But as it was a warm day I also put out a fresh fruit platter complete with strawberries, rockmelon, watermelon, grapes and pineapple - guess what went first? Yep, the fruit platter - there's a lesson in that somewhere i'm sure! Of course I still ate too much of the biscuits and cake and went over my points for the day but I think we might take this a step further next time and do some rice crackers, dips and vegetable sticks and see how that goes.

Then on Thursday I had a lovely girly day! A good friend came over and we got Indian takeaway and watched the movie "P.S. I Love You" - loved the movie, the company and the food, and while I finished the day just over 40 points (as we had a BBQ to go to last night), i've actually planned my food until the end of the weekend and assuming I stick to plan i'll only have eaten half my exercise points by then - so all good!

The BBQ ended up costing me a lot less points than I expected - it was at my sister in laws house to celebrate her sons 3rd birthday and I saw Sharon pulling out all these creamy based salads and immediately thought I was going to be in trouble (dinner wasn't served until 8.30pm and I was starving). Then when the meat was bought in I breathed a HUGE sigh of relief! She's been experimenting with a new recipe and had BBQ'd a heap of vegetables - onions, mushrooms, eggplant, capsicum etc and it was all quite delicious - with a bit of chicken breast and small piece of steak it was very delicious, filling and more point friendly than I expected.

Today I returned to a couple of my favourite weight watcher friendly meals - you know the type that you rely on to reduce your points! And I LOVED them both - lunch was some cruskits with light Philadelphia cheese, sliced tomato and a sprinkling of black pepper - not bad for 3 points for 4 biscuits! And dinner was steamed broccoli/carrot/cauliflower with light cheese sauce and 4 grilled fish fingers for 4.5 points! Both filling low point meals that I used to eat regularly and both will no doubt be on the menu again soon.

I've also done well with my steps the last few days, this is really becoming a habit! Today was such a hot day that I decided to take the kids to the shops to get out of the house for a bit - we did two laps of Elizabeth and I got the pedometer moving well! Then when Michael got home from work he took the kids to the toyroom while I cranked up my Pink CD and cleaned the house - amazing how much faster I move with Pink in the background ... lol ... as soon as the kids were in bed I put Melrose Place in the DVD player and walked away on the treadmill and finished the day on nearly 13,500 steps - so that's now a total of 36,000 in 3 days - pretty pleased with that! If the kids wake up early enough tomorrow i'm thinking of taking them for a walk first thing in the morning before it gets too hot and then i'll be off to the gym before spending the afternoon decluttering (we've hired a skip for the weekend and the kids are having a sleepover at nana and papa's house) so i'm sure that pedometer will be moving tomorrow.

What more can I say - I LOVE this feeling! And i'm inspired by the fact that I only need to lose 8.1kgs in 9 weeks to achieve my goal and i'll also reach my 10% loss in that time too! And just in case I needed more motivation ... the new season of The Biggest Loser is just around the corner!

A Good Day All Round

2010-01-05T22:33:00.002+10:30

I'm very excited to report a loss of 1.9kgs at weigh in tonight! Now that's put a big dent into my goal of 10kgs in 10 weeks (which is now 8.1kgs in 9 weeks). But i'm much more excited about what I achieved on the treadmill this morning!

We slept in again (as you do on holidays) and knew I wasn't going to get to the gym today, so I made the decision early to swap the days and do Wed/Fri/Sun this week instead of Tues/Thurs/Sat but that still left me with the dilemma of ensuring I did 11,000 steps (I needed to do 11,000 to counteract the shortfall from yesterday) and as it was nearly 9am already it was quite warm outside!

So I did the smart thing - I put the DVD for Melrose Place (season 4) into the DVD player, jumped on the treadmill and off I went! The exciting part? I got so engrossed in the episode that I ended up watching another and kept walking - a total of nearly 85 minutes! Suffice to say I was tired and proud by the time I got off and finished the day with 7 bonus points and 16,423 steps on my pedometer! So I was pretty pleased with my first week's result as I achieved approximately 75,500 steps!

Finished the night with a delicious meal at a nice Thai Restaurant with Tina and Karen which was lovely and now the holidays REALLY begin! I've been doing a few hours here and there in the office (today was my last day) and i'm being given time in lieu for it down the track! But knowing i'm going in and having Michael at home meant there was no real "me" time. But Mike goes back to work tomorrow and I have a play date with the kids then on Thursday, Monday and Tuesday they're in day care and on Friday they're at my mums - that's 4 days of complete downtime to myself in 39 and 41 degree heat - I think that means lots of Melrose and treadmill time :-)

I've kicked 2010 off to a great start and I plan to continue ... i'm now 121kgs - and would love to get under that 120kg mark again ... bring on that 10% goal, I can see it, it's like a light at the end of the tunnel but it's definitely getting closer.

Quick Update on Dinner

2010-01-04T23:27:00.002+10:30

It seems I have no control at all! Put food I like in front of me and regardless of how "in control" I am I will give into temptation - am I upset about it? Nah, not really - it's a positive as I've identified another area in my lifestyle that I need to work on! And we can't change what we don't acknowledge (read Dr Phil's voice there ... lol)

So yeah, I went way over points today and didn't do anywhere near enough exercise that I planned to do and DIDN'T get to the gym like I planned! But that simply means i've eaten more of the bonus points earnt - I've just updated my tracker with the changes to my exercise and the increased food and with my "planned" food and exercise for tomorrow I would have earnt a total of 38 bonus points and eaten 18.5 of them so it's all good in the end - what that equals to on the scales remains to be seen.

The decluttering continues in this house! Had a productive day with today's target being the toy room! I even had a sleep in this morning hence the reason I didn't get to the gym and then when Martine got here it was a bit too warm outside for a walk so we drove to McCafe instead! Oh well tomorrow's another day and you can't undo a weeks worth of work in one meal - i'll be back tomorrow night with a week 1 weigh in result.

A Productive Day

2010-01-03T22:32:00.002+10:30

Another day, another lot of spring cleaning done! My lounge and dining rooms are a mess at the moment but the kitchen, family room, bedrooms and study are spotless! Just need to declutter the toys from the Rumpus Room and then start listing all the baby stuff for sale (and keep listing until I find the lounge room again ... lol).

We took the kids to swimming lessons this morning after a couple of weekends off for the holidays and then I headed off to the gym! I didn't get there yesterday and ended up getting there later than I wanted to today but that's ok, I still got there nearly an hour before closing time so did 25 minutes on the treadmill and 25 minutes on the bike! But as I didn't fit my weights in i'm going back again tomorrow :-)

In fact, I loved working out with my MP3 player on so much that I think I might try and challenge myself to get there a bit more often before going back to work on Wednesday week! Maybe not every day but definitely more than the 3 times a week in my exercise plan!

Also clocked up my 10,000 steps on my pedometer so in total i'm now 3,000 in front (i'm averaging) ... love this challenge - that means with 5 days of the week complete i've now walked 53,000 steps and only need another 17,000 to reach my goal for the week! Oh and just for the record, I don't wear my pedometer to the gym, I figure it's easy to count those exercise points separately rather than through the bonus points on the pedometer.

Tomorrow could be interesting! I'm going out for dinner at the in-laws house and have no control over what we're having, from what i've heard it's a belated Christmas dinner with roast turkey, vegetables etc so if i'm careful I can play it safe - i've allowed 12 points so we'll see how we go, may need to use more of my exercise points.

And the lovely Martine is driving out to my house tomorrow morning to catch up for a coffee and a chat. I don't know if she'll get to read this before she arrives but just in case she doesn't no one tell her that I have a surprise in store for her - i'm going to take her walking to the coffee shop ... lol ... after all a girl's gotta her steps up anyway she can!

I'm Happy :-)

2010-01-02T23:06:00.002+10:30

No real revelation there but I couldn't help but reflect on the last week or two and I realised i'm right where I want to be in my life at the moment and it's a fabulous feeling. My kids are the most adorable angels (yes I might be biased) and as I type this Lachlan is asleep in bed beside me and Mikayla is asleep in the portacot at the end of the bed - they're out of routine with late nights and the house is a mess while we spring clean (hence the reason they're sleeping with us at the moment) and I couldn't care less, i've had the most amazing time with my family over the last week or two and i'm loving it!

I've caught up with some great friends while on holidays and with another week and a half off I still have plans for lunches, dinners, coffees etc to meet up with more friends. I'm right where i'm meant to be on my weight loss journey, I truly believe that and believe that all the challenges i've faced have been thrown at me for a reason - it's all about learning the lessons and sometimes we have to do that the hard way.

I clocked up over 14,000 steps on my pedometer today and you know what, I did it with ease! Exercise is becoming second nature to me and my pedometer is working a treat, it's doing exactly what it's meant to do - encouraging me to get more steps into my day. I walked the dogs this morning, walked around the shops and walked around Glenelg for a few hours tonight! Clocked up 6 bonus points and due to having dinner out I went 2.5 points over my daily tally so am pretty pleased with that result.

I didn't get to the gym because me (and the kids) slept in this morning and as I had to take Michael to a 10.30am appointment I didn't have enough time to do my full workout so decided I would go after swimming lessons tomorrow morning instead, then it will be home to finish the spring cleaning - I'm ripping through this house one room at a time, creating a MASSIVE pile of kids toys, clothes, books etc that all needs to be listed on ebay - that in itself will be a fun task!

I'm enjoying tracking, point counting, exercising and enjoying this new start for a New Year IMMENSELY, I would dearly love to put a dent in that 10kg goal come Tuesday night but whatever those scales dish up i'll accept it with the knowledge that i'm making the worthwhile lifestyle changes that count - and they can't be measured by scales!

Does It Feel Like A New Year To You???

2010-01-01T23:06:00.002+10:30

Maybe it's just because it was my first quiet NYE for a while but it doesn't actually feel like a new year to me today! And then it occurred to me that for as long as I can remember the big change for me about a New Year was a renewed focus on my health and lifestyle (note the absence of the word "diet") and as I weighed in on Tuesday night i've already had a couple of days head start in that area.

Anyway I think i'm tracking pretty well at the moment but i'm still trying to get the balance right between the exercise points I earn and what I eat. So far i've earnt 15.5 bonus points in the last 3 days and i've eaten 4.5 of them, so not quite a third. I'm trying to adopt the policy that if I need them I use them, if I don't I leave them - ultimately it all balances out for me anyway as I usually eat 3 meals and 3 snacks a day so i'm not about to go hungry!

After day 3 i'm sitting on just over 29,000 steps - so have 1,000 to catch up on to be on track with my challenge for that and of course i'm back to the gym again tomorrow morning! Once I weigh in on Tuesday night i'm going to add the other 2 components of my exercise plan into my routine - 30 minutes on the treadmill on non-gym days (except Sunday) and my daily steps and situps for toning.

All in all i'm doing really well, feeling good about what i'm achieving and am quite confident of a good loss on Tuesday night - just what I need to kick off my 10kgs in 10 weeks challenge!

We're thinking about taking the kids out for dinner tomorrow night and have chosen a hotel with an indoor playground - I checked their menu online today and am even more tempted now - they have a chicken and prawn stir fry on it! Can't wait!

Happy New Year!

2009-12-31T23:22:00.002+10:30

Wow - there's only 38 minutes left of 2009 and i'm planning some big changes for my life in 2010! I love the start of the New Year - it's so motivating, to think of the year that was and to think of what you want to achieve for the year ahead.

I don't believe in New Year's Resolutions as such but I do believe it's important to make them, I think the downside of calling them "New Year Resolutions" is that once the dust has settled on the start of the New Year they're usually forgotten all about. I'm a great believer that nothing in life is perfect, and once you stop trying to improve yourself then you're going down hill fast so it's important to have goals and I think the start of a New Year is a great time to set some!

I am very lucky to live a great life with good friends, a job I love, a nice home, great kids etc etc - in fact the one cloud in an otherwise clear sky is my weight and how it affects so many aspects of my life in regards to confidence, self esteem etc and it's a nice thing to know that changing that is in my control.

So that brings me to my 2010 CHALLENGE! I was pondering this last night, obviously I want to lose as much weight in 2010 as I possibly can but for the first time in my life I realise it's about so much more than the number on the scales. I love the changes i've made to my lifestyle this year - i've learnt more about myself than in any previous year and you can bet that in 2010 i'll be challenging myself to step outside my comfort zone wherever possible.

So the "10" of 2010 is what i'm focussing on - I don't usually make weight-related goals as I feel we only have limited control over what the scales say but having said that I want to kick the New Year off with a short term one - quite simply to lose 10kgs in 10 weeks - the motivation it will take to achieve that will ensure my year kicks off to a great start.

"10" is also double digits so what better year to get to double digits and ensure I stay there! That's less than 23kgs away so definitely an achievable goal, especially when i'll lose 10 of them in the first 10 weeks ;-)

Then of course there's my 10,000 steps a day that i'm focussing on (which i've made a slight adjustment to - i'm changing it to 70,000 steps a week). Quite simply because some days provide more opportunity to walk than others and rather than feel like a failure when I don't achieve the steps this allows me to do the extra steps when I can! Take for example yesterday - I achieved close to 15,000 steps, today, less than 3,500!

Having said that I had a fabulous workout at the gym today - 25 minutes on the treadmill, 10 on the bike, 10 on the rower and 25 minutes of weights - LOVED every minute of it and i'm looking forward to going back on Saturday, but to close this entry (and this year) I want to put in print the Top 10 Reasons i'm going to give my weight loss efforts 10 out of 10 in 2010! It's something I want to focus on, read regularly, remind myself of and be true to for the year ahead.

I hope that you all are having a fabulous New Year's Eve and enjoying your celebrations whatever you may be doing! Here's to a year of good health and happiness to us all!

TOP 10 REASONS TO GIVE MY WEIGHT LOSS EFFORTS 10/10 IN 2010:

1) To be a positive role model to my kids
2) To ensure I live a long and prosperous life
3) To improve my level of confidence and self esteem
4) To live the life I want to live and not hide behind my weight anymore
5) To be successful in a long term goal - to prove it's been worth the blood, sweat & tears
6) To be supportive and understanding to those who have supported my journey
7) To ensure my kids don't get teased because they have a fat mum
8) To address the issues of my eating disorder
9) To feel fit and healthy and be able to run around and play with my kids
10) To learn to love exercise and the health benefits it brings me in the long term

That's a pretty impressive list if I do say so myself - and so much more worthwhile than that short term satisfaction that is given by eating the WRONG foods! Bring on 2010 ...

A Good Day All Round

2009-12-30T23:40:00.002+10:30

I'm the first to admit that I have an eating disorder - I mean you can't gain 2.4kgs in a week without knowing something is wrong with the choices you make - especially when you consider it's near impossible to lose that amount of weight in a week and yet it goes on so easily! But 2009 has been a HUGE year for me - while I may not have lost a lot of weight on the scales I can take a lot of positives from this year moving forwarding including:

Working on my mindset and the importance of getting that right to achieve success
Focussing on exercise - because I know when i'm exercising well the rest seems to follow
I kept going when things got tough - even facing big gains on the scales
I made commitments that have led to that much needed accountability - like posting on my blog more regularly
I'm accepting myself, faults and all and rather than making excuses for those faults i'm learning to cope as best I can with them

That brings me to the New Year that's looming! I want to continue to work on all of these points but the big thing I want to challenge myself on in 2010 is stepping outside my comfort zone a little more often! I want to do it, I need to it and i'm sure i'll find it very liberating! It's all about creating a new me and that goes so much deeper than just weight loss.

I've had a FABULOUS day today! Amazing what stepping on the scales can do for a person, it's given me a whole new focus and perspective! I even took the dogs out for a walk at 8pm tonight despite the weather - I wasn't letting anything stand in my way! And came home to a total of 6 bonus points and 14,763 steps on my pedometer - I was pretty proud of that effort.

I started the day with a skinny cappuccino and toast and tomato in bed this morning, met a good friend for lunch and ordered a chicken caesar salad with the dressing on the side and then had a roast chicken (dry fried vegetables) for dinner - snacked well, drank heaps of water and just felt so much better about myself. So that brings me to pondering that all important question that so many of us with weight issues ask ourselves - if we feel so much better eating and living like this, why do we let ourselves stray? If only we had the answer ... only one day left of 2009 ... 2010 is going to be an exciting year, I can feel it already and i'm kicking it off with a BIG challenge, but more on that tomorrow.

Oh and before I forget - HAPPY BIRTHDAY KAZZ - hope you've had a fabulous day!

Sit Back And Relax ... This Could Be A Long One!

2009-12-29T23:13:00.002+10:30

I've had a very tough 24 hours but as the saying goes "when life deals you lemons, make lemonade" and as I move forward towards 2010 I fully intend to adopt that policy and look at the bright side of life - focus on the positives and remind myself constantly that 3 steps forward and 2 steps back still puts me 1 step ahead!

Firstly - a big thank you to Jody! Yesterday started with a very lazy morning watching TV and having some breakfast in bed (gotta make the most of holidays while I can, they'll be gone before I know it). Anyway, around lunch time I started REALLY procrastinating about whether I wanted to go to my reunion or not - it all came down to the fear of being judged and I couldn't make up my mind, well I could but I was constantly changing it. Your comment on my last post Jody came at an ideal time and I chose to take it as a sign that I was meant to go, so after reading it I shut the computer down, jumped in the shower and off I went.

In some ways it was the best decision i've made in a long time, in other ways the worst! I got there just before 3pm and spent over 2 hours there talking to these 6 girls that I went to high school with that I haven't seen in over 20 years! A couple in particular were very good friends of mine back then and it was like it had only been 20 days since we last saw each other - the conversation flowed easily, I was a little subconscious but nothing to worry about and I enjoyed every bit of their company. I actually don't remember the last time I laughed so much and we discovered how small a city Adelaide really is! One of the girls has a daughter who is a friend of my nieces and other one of the girls is involved in the calisthenics club that my nieces dance in and knows my sister really well, of course because my sister is married she had no way of making the connection between me and her - we were all stunned!

So yes, I had a fabulous time, I was very glad that I went and we're going to try and catch up ever 3 months or so from here on and I will definitely be looking forward to those get togethers! There are one or two of them that i'd like to catch up with in the meantime and also look forward to that. The downside of course was that we dissected school life (as you do at reunions) and talked about where different people are now, who hooked up with who etc and who has and hasn't changed! There was an "official" reunion back in October and 2 of the girls that were at this "mini reunion" attended - I think it all fell apart for me when the name Sophie Dean was mentioned!

Now we're going back many years ago here - I was 15 at the time (so that's 22 years ago) and Sophie was one of my closest friends. We shared a common interest in the new guy that started at our school and it became a joke that went too far one day and she turned on me, in the most vicious way! From that point on Sophie Dean was not only no longer a friend of mine but she led a very long and drawn out attack on me in the school that reached such great proportions that at the end of year 10 I couldn't bring myself to go back! I just couldn't handle the thought of facing more humiliation at her hands. My parents agreed at the time that if I could find a job before the end of the holidays I could leave school (they fully expected me not to be able to find one and of course I proved them wrong). So ended my years of school and began a long history of me allowing other people to have control over my life.

These are a number of memories that I have suppressed for such a long time and suddenly they all came bubbling to the surface in the last 24 hours! I heard that Sophie married a guy from school that she hooked up with in year 11, they have a family and she is now a chiropractor! I know a friend on facebook who has Sophie's husband on her friend list and I couldn't resist the urge to go into his profile last night and have a look at his photos - and there she was - a photo of the person I once considered such a good friend that was the cause of massive torment for me in my teenage years - torment that I never really got over that led me to a roller coaster ride of comfort eating.

And somehow I couldn't help but thinking last night that she was married with a family and was a chiropractor and somehow that made her more successful than me! After all I left school at the end of year 10 and i'm still fat (which by the way was the main subject of her torment) - it's amazing how old scars can cut so deep! And I remember breathing a sigh of relief that I didn't end up going to that reunion in October because Sophie was there!

So yeah, that hit pretty hard last night - I spun out of control, sought comfort in the Christmas chocolates that are still in the house, ate badly again today and then suddenly it occurred to me - why am I giving Sophie this power over me? Why not use this as an opportunity to turn things around? So with that thought in mind I made a BIG decision today - just as I stepped outside my comfort zone yesterday and went out for coffee I too will step out of my comfort zone once again and go to the next school reunion in 2 years time and I WILL walk in with my head held high because no one has the power to defeat me unless I let them!

Why is it that happiness or sadness in our lives revolves so much around food - I don't mean from a comfort eating perspective but more from the fact that when you're on track, focussed and committed you're a happier person! When you're bingeing, making bad food choices etc you're so much more miserable - well that's the way it is for me anyway.

So yeah, I knew I was facing a big gain on the scales tonight but I didn't care, I knew my self-sabotage was only going to stop by me jumping on them so jump on them I did. I expected a gain of between 2-3kgs and hoped I might be surprised with less but no, I gained 2.4kgs! I'm not focussing on it because it's just a number right? It was expected and what's more it was deserved, but there's no point looking back i'm only looking forward - looking forward to the week ahead with lots of workouts, tracking and water, looking forward to 2010 when i'm going to give it all i've got and most importantly looking forward to the next Marion High School reunion which i'll attend with my head held high and finally putting the demons of my past to rest once and for all. I CAN do this!

Sunday Night - How Did That Happen?

2009-12-27T23:03:00.003+10:30

I can't believe it's Sunday night already, the last couple of days have flown by! I had such big plans to get back on track yesterday and while I haven't "gotten back on track" I have made good, positive steps forward in what I want to achieve! Yesterday all my best intentions went out the window - I don't know whether it was a lack of fluids or the fact that I had a quiet day after so many hectic weeks or what but I crashed and burned like you wouldn't believe!

I slept the day away - literally! I've never been that exhausted before, I set my alarm for 6am to get on the treadmill and reset it for 7.30am, then again for 10am! I think I got to about 12 noon before I admitted to Michael (and myself) that I just did not have the energy to get on the damned thing! I would get up for an hour or two and then felt like I needed a sleep and napped off and on all day - I also had a dull headache that even Nurofen wasn't killing. Thankfully I slept well last night until 4.30am this morning, got up for a while and went back to sleep at 6am and slept again until 7.30am and have felt good ever since.

So the round up for yesterday was exercise 0, points (a little over 20 - I didn't end up counting but was only up to 10 points at lunch time) and not enough water. Today of course was a different story, while I didn't track my points again I did drink better amounts of water and being a Sunday it wasn't a treadmill day - my expectation of a Sunday is to get my pedometer up to 10,000 steps - when I took it off at 9.30pm tonight it read 15,563 - and 6.5 bonus points - so suffice to say I was pretty impressed with that!

We took the kids to Semaphore this morning so Lachie could have a train ride, play on the playground and have a picnic for lunch! I bought them hot chips and thoroughly enjoyed my ham sub from Subway washed down with a diet coke! When Michael and Lachie boarded the train I knew I had about 40 minutes to kill so I took advantage of that time to take Mikayla for a walk to build up my steps - then braved the shops this afternoon as well so I was pretty impressed with my result today.

As to the tracking - i'm forgiving myself! I'm putting it down to the "all or nothing" mentality but don't think i'll fully be accountable for my actions until I jump on the scales Tuesday night and no doubt it will be to another gain - but it will be the last one for a while. I've just joined a weight loss challenge and i'm looking forward to all that will entail.

As to my exercise plan - not sure if i've posted this yet or not but even if I have i'm sure you all want to read it again anyway right? Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays I start with a solid 30 minutes on the treadmill at an incline of 8 and speed of 5. Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays I do my program at the gym (which takes about an hour) - in addition to this I aim for 10,000 steps per day on the pedometer EVERY day! And will also be doing 100 steps on the stepper and 100 situps for stomach toning on a daily basis (it sounds like a lot but it's actually less than what I was doing towards the end of the year).

I'm VERY nervous about my plans for tomorrow afternoon (all things going ok with Mikayla - she has spots all over her and i'm assuming it's an eczema infection) I have a reunion type thing to go to tomorrow afternoon. I'm meeting 8 girls at a coffee shop that I went to high school with - we've reconnected through Facebook and while they were all friends of mine way back then I haven't seen any of them since - I left high school 22 years ago! Now I know I was fat at high school but i've got it in my head that i'm going to be judged because i'm STILL fat after all these years! I KNOW that I will have the ultimate feeling of power if I step outside my comfort zone and go to this meet but there's a part of me that wants to use any excuse possible to avoid it! Of course having said that, that decision could be out of my hands! If Mikayla's spots are anything more sinister than eczema infection and contagious obviously I won't be able to go at all - I guess it's in the hands of the doctor's diagnosis. But what a good way to start with my next year on this journey - with stepping so far out of my comfort zone - part of me is really excited about it and part of me is terrified. And my boss taught me several years ago that you shouldn't do anything unless it excites or terrifies you!

Merry Christmas!

2009-12-25T21:18:00.003+10:30

Wow! What a day! It started for me around 8.40am, I was the first one awake in this house after our dinner last night with Michael's family! That finished up around 10pm and I cleaned up a bit, played Santa then unwound with a cappuccino while watching some TV. I still can't believe that we had to wake both our kids this morning at 9am, that's a first but proves they obviously needed to sleep because of the lack of routine they've had lately while we've had so many late nights visiting christmas lights.

We unwrapped presents and had a rushed breakfast and just enjoyed some quality family time together for a while! Not surprisingly Miss Mikayla wasn't really into the whole thing, she just wanted her apple juice and nothing else mattered to her (except the wrapping paper her big brother was discarding - from both his and her presents).

Santa took very good care of my kids this year - I so appreciate them and all that I have in life and have made a point of talking to Lachie this year about how blessed we are to have what we have got in life but also the importance of helping others by donating to those who are less fortunate than ourselves. I don't know how much he actually understands but this valuable lesson is something i've always wanted to teach my children from a young age.

I was very spoilt too - I got a beautiful candle from dusk (just perfect for my hot bubble baths - even used it tonight as soon as the kids were settled for the night), a few DVD's, an MP3 player for the gym, the Pink Funhouse CD, perfume and a lovely photo frame. But my favourite gift of all came tonight when I said "love you" to Mikayla and she repeated the words right back to me - it took me by complete surprise and I was so excited! Her talking is coming along so well and she probably says a good 20 words now!

Of course I let myself down on the food front - i've found that temptation and I don't go well together! I didn't do too badly last night but found today that once I got home I adopted the attitude that I had to get everything out of the house straight away and of course that means straight into my mouth! It's definitely not something i'm proud of but it just reminds me once again why I maintain a failsafe environment - because I REALLY need it! Tomorrow is my fresh start, i'm not waiting until the New Year or the next weigh in, it all begins tomorrow and i'm really looking forward to it. I'm even setting my alarm to get on the treadmill, though having said that, Michael wants a sleep in and I was thinking I might walk the 2kms to McCafe instead with the kids in the pram to ensure he gets some peace and quiet. The treadmill might just have to wait until later in the day! I could get the kids an apple juice and me a skinny cappuccino and then walk back home again!

My actual meals weren't bad, last night was ham, chicken and salads and today was roast lamb and turkey with vegetables - it's been more about the nibbles and desserts and the Christmas chocolates my husband got! But i'm not about to beat myself up for it now as that will only hinder my chance to move forward, and moving forward is the best thing.

So in closing i'd like to wish you all a very MERRY CHRISTMAS - hope you've had a special day with your loved ones! I'll be back tomorrow to report on my progress - my goals for the day are to drink 2 litres of water, earn 10,000 steps on my pedometer, do 30 minutes on the treadmill and stick to 20 points for the day - now there's my accountability, i'll let you know tomorow night how I went.

Merry Christmas Everyone!

2009-12-23T23:03:00.003+10:30

Ok, this will be my last entry until either Christmas night or Boxing Day, I have a busy day tomorrow, in-laws over for dinner tomorrow night and then a hectic Christmas Day. I so love this time of the year and it reminds me of what's important in life - spending time with the people that you love! As I write this it's after 11pm, my 16 month old daughter has only been in her cot for about 20 minutes, my 3 year old son fell asleep beside me less than 10 minutes ago - they are so far out of their normal routine and I don't care! We've had some wonderful times already since we started holidays with good friends and that's what counts.

I know that when Saturday comes around things will change - they'll get their routine back just as i'll get my tracking and exercising routines back and that's what is important! As I said to Tina on Tuesday night - I consciously made a decision to enjoy Christmas this year - I didn't want to go down the path of not eating this or that because of the calorie content. This is a journey about lifestyle change and as far as i'm concerned lifestyle change includes the occasional indulgences. Yes, I may well gain again next Tuesday night and if I do I will know that the gain is deserved but i'll also know it will be the last gain i'll see on the scales for a while. After all i'm in control now and that's what matters.

So i'm about to do a quick round of all the blogs I read to leave some personal Christmas messages and see what you've all been up to. I hope that you all have a special day with your families and loved ones and hope that like me you'll be making big steps forward into your future weight loss goals come Boxing Day! MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU ALL XXX

Facing Up To The Music

2009-12-22T21:51:00.002+10:30

Well I feel like I had a very productive day today! Once the kids headed off to daycare this morning I went back to bed with my breakfast and a cappuccino and watched some TV - but of course once 9.45am came around and I knew I had to get up to go to the gym for my personal training session I was less than enthusiastic! But that just reminded me why I made an appointment to kick start my gym workouts because I knew then that i'd have no excuse not to go! So off I went and dare I say it, it was the BEST decision i've made in a long time!

I started out by having a chat with the Personal Trainer, Ash - he is probably late 20's, quite good looking and usually the sort of person in a gym that I would be quite intimidated by. But for some reason I just knew that if I was going to start 2010 off on the right note I had to be honest from the start - not only with him but more importantly with myself. So I told him all about my fear of the gym, how I feel intimidated with so many males around and how i'm trying to focus on the fact that I should be proud to feel that intimidation because it means i'm 1) stepping outside my comfort zone and 2) doing something positive towards a healthy lifestyle - he responded to that by saying that my attitude is spot on for success - I took that as quite a compliment.

Anyway he worked with me for half an hour to design a new program which includes a rower machine - i've always been too scared to use one before but I did today for the first time and I LOVED it - this could fast become my new favourite gym machine! Went right through my weights and we talked at length about the benefits of personal training, i'm seriously thinking I would like to start out doing a session with him on a fortnightly basis - it means the week I do it I would have to spend a 4th day at the gym but seeing as I have every second Wednesday off I could do it then and if Ash was only available during the day I could put the kids in the creche! So there's a new motivating factor for me in the New Year.

I walked out of that gym on a cloud - it was such a good feeling to be hot and sweaty from a decent workout and i'm looking forward to Thursday morning when i'll be back there once again!

Michael and I went shopping afterwards, had lunch out, paid off a layby and then I spent the afternoon wrapping Christmas presents until it was time to go to Weight Watchers. Had a quick coffee with Tina and Karen after the meeting, came home and had dinner and then we took the kids for a drive to see Christmas lights.

As to my meeting - I jumped on the scales knowing I made some bad choices over the last 2 weeks since I last weighed in and knowing that TOM was due so was preparing myself for an horrendous gain and was quite surprised that I only gained 1.1kgs - it doesn't matter what the scales say, that number is a new starting point to work from.

Tomorrow I return to tracking - the good, the bad and the ugly - I have a Christmas BBQ to go to tomorrow night, my in-laws here for dinner on Thursday night and then lunch at mums on Christmas Day - i'm going to enjoy the Christmas foods as lifestyle changes are all about balance which includes indulging a little on special occasions - my compromise with myself is to track it all, regardless of how many points it adds up to and then increase my exercise as much as possible to earn some bonus points. From Saturday onwards i'm going to try and stick to 18 points a day for the remainder of the week in the hope that I can work back some of those extra points and possibly still have a loss next Tuesday night - even if it's a small one!

It feels great to be back in a successful mindset - i'm convinced that my all or nothing attitude has been doing me much more harm than I even realised and i'm so glad i've become a little more aware of it now - acknowledging our faults and weaknesses is the first step to overcoming them, and overcoming them is exactly what I intend to do!

Can You Smell A New Year Looming?

2009-12-21T22:34:00.002+10:30

There's something so motivating about the end of a year and the beginning of a new one! It's a time to get a fresh start and a fresh perspective and kick start whatever goal you've got for the year ahead. As per my recent entry, my New Year's Resolutions are all about creating balance in my life - time with my kids, time for me, time for my husband and time for my weight loss! I don't want to be looking back in a few months time and feel like I haven't made progress in the changes I want for not only my lifestyle but also for the lifestyle of my family.

Sometimes the simplest of things have the biggest impacts! My baby girl has learnt the word "hello" and she says it repeatedly at the moment, it's so cute the way it comes out of her mouth and I got to rock her to sleep in my arms tonight as she looked up at me with the biggest, brightest, smiling eyes with this constant "hello" coming out of her mouth - it's amazing how special that little gesture was for me and it's something I want more of!

So if I reflect back on my weight loss this year I got off to a fabulous start of losing 8.2kgs in 8 weeks and then it slowed down! Of course during those months ahead I had a few tough things to deal with - a massive increase in my working hours, Mikayla hospitalised with pneumonia, a repeat of my PND symptoms when I came off the medication and of course my hernia surgery. So following the guidelines of my "practice what I preach" philosophy if I was reading this on someone's else blog i'd be telling them to cut themselves some slack and move forward! Which is exactly what I plan to do.

I'll be honest with you, I wasn't going to weigh in tomorrow night - I had planned to go to the meeting but not step on the scales but i've changed my mind about that! My reason for coming to that decision was because I didn't think I could cope with another gain when there's every probability that i'll face another one next week! I enjoy Christmas - it's a time to enjoy foods that we don't get to have every year and you know what - if I decide that as a Weight Watcher i'm not going to have this, or this or this then it becomes restrictive like a diet, it's not about a lifestyle change because when you change to a healthy lifestyle it's par for the course that there will be times of celebration! I have a play date on Wednesday morning and a Christmas BBQ to go to Wednesday night, then we have Michael's family coming here for dinner on Christmas eve followed by lunch at my parents on Christmas day! Suffice to say Boxing Day will see me back tracking 100% - i've come to terms with the fact that i'll have a large gain tomorrow night and quite possibly another next Tuesday, but the reality is that as long as i'm prepared to accept that then that's all that matters.

I started this journey on the day before my birthday, 16th June - and have lost 10kgs in 6 months, sure it's not an ideal achievement but I constantly need to remind myself of my all or nothing mentality - that's worth 20kgs to me because in all reality if I hadn't been focussed on Weight Watchers to lose 10kgs chances are I would have gained an additional 10kgs instead! So as for a number - well I am aiming to lose 20kgs in 2010 which will see me down to double digits. It's not so much about the scales but more about the changes - long lasting changes that will benefit both me and the kids for years to come - that means so much more to me than just a number on the scales.

Off to my Personal Training session in the morning (after a nice relaxing sleep in of course) - i'm looking forward to it - can't believe where the time is going, there's only 4 more sleeps until Santa comes, I think i'm getting more excited than Lachlan!

Green Lights

2009-12-20T23:02:00.003+10:30

Ok, so can someone tell me why having an epithany about my life and decided what I need to do to prioritise the important things suddenly means I can "let loose" for the rest of 2009? That seems to be the attitude that i've adopted and I don't like it one little bit!

I made this decision that come Boxing Day I was back to tracking, point counting, exercising as much as possible, drinking my water etc etc and then I started thinking what am I talking about? It was like Boxing Day was acceptable because it wasn't the following Wednesday after weigh in and it wasn't 1st January! I mean I can do a LOT of damage between now and boxing day! So I am being very conscious of what i'm eating at present, I know that I am facing a large gain on Tuesday night but I WILL get on those scales and take it for what it is - a new beginning! I wish I knew why I need so many of those - I guess if any of us had those answers then the weight loss industry wouldn't be worth the billions of dollars that it is today.

So instead i think the answer lies in making a lifestyle change - sticking to it day in and day out and using whatever tools for motivation you have available to you to ensure you succeed - one of my tools of motivation is laying beside me right now fast asleep! It's the same little tool of devotion that threw his arms around me a few hours ago and told me once again that he loves me very much and that I was the best mummy in the whole wide world - I've always said that I need to do this for me but I need to do it for them too - they deserve a healthy lifestyle and i'm the one that can give it to them.

So yeah, I can face the music, I can also face my PT session at the gym on Tuesday and then I can get up on Wednesday morning, get on the treadmill, take the dogs for a walk and have a damn good day despite having a friend over for a play date and a BBQ to go to that night - after all it's all about the moderation right? There'll be a few Christmas functions in that first focussed week but that's what exercise is for - bonus points allow me to have some flexibility and then of course once boxing day comes around and all the festivities are over there's always a few days left where I could comfortably have 20 points to bring my totals back!

I'll leave you with this little poem that i've had on my computer for a few years now - it's so true and I can really relate to it right now!

DON'T QUIT

When you've eaten too much and you can't write it down
And you feel like the biggest failure in town
When you want to give up just because you gave in
And forget all about being health and thin
So what! You went over your points a bit
It's your next move that counts - so don't you quit!
It's a moment of truth, it's an attitude change
It's learning the skills to get back in your range
It's telling yourself "you've done great up till now"
You can take on this challenge and beat it somehow
It's part of your journey toward reaching your goal
You're still gonna make it, just stay in control
To stumble and fall is not a disgrace
if you summon the will to get back in the race
But often the struggler's when losing their grip
Just throw in the towel and continue to slip
And learn too late when the damage is done
That the race wasn't over and they still could have won
Lifestyle change can be awkward and slow
But facing each challenge will help you to grow
Success if failure turned inside out
The silver tint in the cloud of doubt
When you're pushing to the brink, just refuse to submit
If you bit it you write it ... but don't you quit!

Life As I Know It Is About To Change ... FOREVER!

2009-12-18T21:42:00.003+10:30

Ok, anyone reading this is about to read some things about me that they've NEVER read before, things that i'm a little sceptical about discussing on my blog and if I continue to feel uncomfortable I will consider going private. So sit back and relax because this could be a long one!

I've had many issues relating to self confidence in my life and all that took quite a battering many years ago when my "so called" best friend (who i'd known since I was 15) was found to be sabotaging my weight loss efforts and my life in general! We were living together at the time and it made me realise how true the saying was that you can't live with friends! Anyway I ended up moving out and moving in with Michael, we'd only been together for 7 months at the time and living together so early in our relationship was either going to make us or break us ... lucky for us it made us!

The residual scars I hold from that time in my life is a fear of trusting people! Keeping people at arms length for a fear of getting hurt. I walked out that house that day and said I would never have a "best friend" again and to this day i've never had that closeness with anyone and while I think it's the right thing at times there are times that I miss that closeness - to be able to share anything with one person! There are those people in my life that I discuss my kids with, people from mum's groups etc who are also raising children, and then there's those that i've met through weight loss forums who I battle the ins and outs of this journey with on a regular basis - but sometimes I feel very few of those people REALLY know me! I mean it's common when you have self esteem issues to keep barriers up and not let people in, for fear of being judged (and that's one of the biggest fears i've ever lived with).

When I started at my job 11 years ago I was a COMPLETELY different person to the one I am today! I would cry at the drop of the hat, I was paranoid for no reason, always thinking people were talking about me and I literally hated myself. I was given a good opportunity in my job to run a department that I jumped at because throwing myself into my work gave me an escape from all the other things in my life I tried to hide from (many of them surrounding my weight). But hiding doesn't work, there are times that we have to take a stand and face those fears directly in the eye and overcome them - one way or another!

From year to year my confidence began to grow and my opinion of myself improved - why? Because I worked for these bosses that believed in me, I was shown that I wasn't worthless like i'd believed for so long and I had value! I've come such a long way since then and the smallest of gestures today had a MASSIVE impact on me that made me see things in a completely different perspective. Ever had something hit you in the face quite suddenly and yet it seems so obvious that you don't know how you could have missed it for so long? Well that's what happened to me today!

The lovely MARTINE tracked me down! She'd never been to my workplace before but knew the general area that I worked in, she drove around, found my car, and came to visit me at work for no other reason than to give me flowers and tell me that she cared and understood about the tough time i've been going through lately. And then she imparted a small bit of advice that had such a profound effect on me my world has been spinning all day! She simply told me that it doesn't matter if I don't get to the gym every day during my holidays, that some things are more important.

And suddenly I started thinking about the importance of balance in life! I've always had an all or nothing attitude towards my weight loss and i've recognised that for a long time and i'm constantly working on changing it. But I don't think I was ever really aware that I live my whole life in that way! When discussing my work hours in an earlier entry this week I mentioned something about not working a 37.5 hour week but doing a job! And to a large extent that is true but my epithany for the day is that i'm still holding onto this all or nothing attitude that I had for the gratitude of my job from all those years ago. I've improved my self confidence tenfold in recent years, obviously my life has changed a lot with marriage, kids etc but my confidence as a person and my self worth has increased incredibly because I felt "NEEDED" at work. I went into the office and had a challenge every day, I was relied upon and depended upon and for the first time in my life I was made to feel special.

I've always had a good relationship with my bosses and I think a lot of that stems from a sense of gratitude for what this job has given me. But it's like the all or nothing attitude has flown over into my work life and now I feel like I owe them something for what they've given me. But seriously what more do I owe them than to do my best work every day that i'm there? Surely that's enough? So why do I feel the need to work rediculous hours day after day to prove something to myself or to them? I don't believe anyone is indispensible! Anyone can be replaced in any position. Yes, I love my job but at what cost? I love my kids more and I really feel like in recent weeks i've gotten the work/life balance VERY wrong!

That was never more evident than the gorgeous smile on my 15 month old daughters face this morning when I heard her stirring on the baby monitor and I walked into her room to pick her up out of her cot for the first time since the weekend! 4 days in a row I left for work without kissing my kids goodbye, I see now how wrong that is, and yet each day I justified it by telling myself it was better to work the extra hours in the morning than at night.

So the balance is wrong in so many things and maybe that's why i've been unsuccessful at my weight loss for so long - I thought the all or nothing attitude that I lived my life by was all about my weight loss efforts, I couldn't help but think if I just got that right everything else would fall into place. That's what I mean, suddenly all this is so clear to me today and yet it's probably been staring me in the face for years and I haven't recognised it. Maybe we need to reach breaking point before things become really obvious to us and maybe starting work at 5am 4 days in a row with unbelievable stress and returning to comfort eating was just too much of a culmination of things that it gave me the final straw that snapped and showed the warts and all approach to what's wrong in my life (or more importantly my head).

Obviously we all ned balance in life - whether it's work, family, rest, play, weight loss, study - it doesn't matter, we need to juggle things in the right proportions to ensure that no areas in our lives suffer and no one that we care about suffers! I think i've lost sight of that in recent times and i'm reclaiming that balance back - i'm taking control of my life and rebuilding the balance ... one step at a time! Yes, I probably have come close to being a workaholic in the last few weeks and truth be known i've always felt a sense of "owing" my bosses something but you know they gave me the opportunity to build my self confidence - it's me that should be credited with achieving it! And that's something that I need to focus on.

So that brings me to my exercise challenge - it is no more! I mean let's be realistic - is it really balanced to go from limited visits to the gym to going 25 days out of 26 days? It's yet another sign of "all or nothing" behaviour and i've proven so many times in the past that that's not constructive! So to that end I want balance in my lifestyle and that balance has me going to the gym on Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday! So having made the decision to cancel my exercise challenge today I rang the gym and accepted the free complimentary personal training session i was offered via letter recently and booked it in for 10.15am next Tuesday morning - it will be the start of the 3 times a week habit.

Each day is a new beginning - it's a new focus and I intend to be able to go to bed every night knowing that i've ticked all the boxes, what boxes? Well that's easy - quality family time, some time to myself, knowing I did the best for me and my lifestyle (exercise, food choices, water etc), a good days work and realised that my best IS good enough in all areas of my life. Hey I didn't say it wasn't going to be a challenge but i've always been one to embrace a challenge :-)

So tomorrow morning i'm going to wake up and count my blessings and I have many things to be grateful for but most importantly i'm grateful for the knowledge that I have control of my life and I have the power to change it and I inted to change it, one day at a time!

Amazing What A Difference A Day Can Make!

2009-12-17T20:11:00.002+10:30

Very pleased to say I had an "ALMOST" perfect Weight Watchers day - despite working nearly 12 hours I managed to eat 22 of my 23 points, and earn 4.5 points on my pedometer for nearly 12,000 steps - the only area I let myself down in was that I was so busy I didn't drink enough water! At a guess I probably had close to 1.5 litres, so still not too bad but I do try to get to at least 2 litres a day.

I tracked all my food and felt good about my decision to get straight back into tracking - that accountability is so important and i'm sure it's not just a coincidence that I tend to go off track when I stop tracking!

I had another stressful day and was amazed at how well I coped with it because I was eating well - I couldn't help but think the impact of my workload and stress over the past few days was made so much worse by my poor food choices and likewise I handled stress so much better today because i'm sticking to the plan - the answer is obvious!

I am catching up with a friend after work for dinner tomorrow night and will then take the kids out for an ice cream and to see some Christmas lights when I get home and then HOLIDAYS! Oh I so can't wait for this time off, now I just have to get through tomorrow, but not before I get a luxurious sleep in - my alarm is set for 5.30am and that seems like quite a treat of 4 days in a row of it going off at 4.00am! Night all!

A Hard Entry To Write

2009-12-16T19:30:00.002+10:30

Ever written a blog entry in your head a million times during the day knowing that you didn't want to do it but knew you had to? Ever wanted to run away and hide from the world but realised that was just making the previous mistakes worse? Ever struggled with something on your weight loss journey and found yourself in the exact same position as others that you'd given advice to and knew you had to start practicing what you preach? That's where I am right now!

Ok, to help people to understand where i'm at I feel the need to give a little background about my work and my job! I'm a Personal Assistant in a natural health company - the workload can be tough as most PA's work for 1 manager - I work for 3 and 2 of them are married to each other (believe me i've been caught in the middle of conflicts on many occasions between this husband and wife team). I've worked for them for 11 years and we have a fabulous relationship. They've been very flexible in regards to my working hours and have pretty much let me do whatever I want to suit the needs of my kids. I LOVE my job and what some people (including my husband) have trouble understanding is that I get paid to do a job, I don't get paid to work a 67.5 hour fortnight! So therefore I do work back a bit.

The pressure over the last 6 months has been a bit tougher because we've had someone on maternity leave - the job she has no one else can do, except me, it's a role I did for 5 years before moving into the role of PA, so it's meant that i've tried to co-ordinate my job with hers and for the majority of the time it's worked! Now as the year comes to an end I have 3 christmas parties to co-ordinate in 3 different states, as well as a 2 day conference for January flying people in from all over the country - it's been very tough and very demanding over the last few weeks and i've finally reached a point where i'm prepared to admit that i'm struggling with the work demands BIG TIME!

But what's breaking my heart and affecting me the most is the limited time i've had with my kids in recent weeks. Rightly or wrongly i've been starting early in the office for 3 reasons - i've always been an early riser, first thing in the morning is a really productive time in the office without anyone around and given that I don't really get 'quality' time with the kids in the morning anyway i thought that would impact them the least! But as I write this i'm about to go to sleep to face my 4th 5am start in a row - I live close to a 45 minute drive from the office - so that means i'm up around 4am, leave here around 4.25 and usually get to the office just after 5am (lack of traffic means a quicker run at this time) and it's SEVERELY taking it's toll.

I'm on an emotional roller coaster and yesterday I had a melt down at lunch time, I couldn't stand the thought of going to Weight Watchers last night, I NEEDED to be with my babies, that in itself was the decision that set me on a path of destruction! Suddenly having made the decision to not go to weigh in was like a green light shining brightly telling me it was ok to eat what i wanted because I wasn't weighing in for another week! So I did ... I ate my way through the stress yesterday and did it again today and yet it has only made the problem worse!

This isn't one of those woah is me posts, i've come too far in this journey to go down that path anymore, i've learnt a lot about who I am, i've learnt a lot about what triggers my reactions and what i need to do about taking back control - hence this entry! I used to be one of those bloggers that went into hiding whenever things got tough, not anymore - the irony of it is that when things get tough that's when you need to blog the most - for accountability!

Today as I ate one bad food choice after another (including chocolate cream sponge at our birthday morning tea) I kept thinking of the advice that i've been giving other people who have struggled of late. I'm the first one to tell other people that 3 steps forward and 2 steps back still puts you 1 step ahead! I'm the first to tell others that i've realised i'll always have an eating disorder of sorts but i've learnt to control it, and not let it control me. I know what I have to do - I simply have to get up tomorrow morning and forget the past two days - I need to return to tracking and I need to do whatever it takes to get some exercise into my day tomorrow even if it's just getting my pedometer up to 10,000 steps!

I am under incredible stress right now and I have two days of work left before I have 25 days off - I desperately need this break to give time back to my family, to clean my house and just to give myself some time to do what I want when I want. But I need to survive those two days first and I refuse to do it by self-medicating with food! The next step is mine to face, and although there's every possibility i'll be facing another gain come next Tuesday night i'm prepared to face it knowing that between now and then i'll make the best choices possible.

And on that note it's 7.46pm and i'm about to go to sleep - the problem with these early starts is that 4am comes around a little too early - even for me! I'll be back tomorrow night to report on my progress, thanks to everyone who has ever supported my journey, it's the support of like minded people that understand these lows that has spurred me into action to control this problem before it controls me!

A Productive Day

2009-12-14T20:32:00.002+10:30

I'm one day closer to my holidays and even better the day was productive all round! Over 12,000 steps on my pedometer, a very healthy point friendly day and got heaps achieved in the office (but then again. I probably should seeing as I spent 12 1/2 hours there).

Sadly i'm doing another 5am start tomorrow so this will be a quick post - thankfully my working days are numbered - these hours over the past few weeks has taught me one thing - I don't think I would be able to cope working permanent full time hours so far from home with two young kids, but it all comes to an end in a few days so that's a sigh of relief!

Ok, off to read some blogs and then shut the computer down for an early night! Back tomorrow with a weigh in result - regardless of whether it's negative or positive!

One More Week To Go

2009-12-13T21:52:00.002+10:30

I am so looking forward to these holidays and so desperately need them! I'm exhausted - physically, mentally and emotionally and i'm looking forward to upping the exercise, spending some extra time with my kids, having lots of down time, getting some organisation back into my house and catching up with friends - and the best part is I get to do it for 26 days!!!

Didn't achieve what I wanted to achieve with my exercise challenge this weekend - only managed to get to 8.5 bonus points for the weekend but i'm ok with that, if it wasn't for the challenge I wouldn't have pushed myself to achieve this result so it's all good! I even took the dogs out for a decent walk today too.

We've got a couple of hot days coming up so i'm planning to head over to Marion during my lunch breaks - it allows me to walk for a good 30 minutes in air conditioned comfort, there's no excuses for me!

Another early start in the office tomorrow so I doubt that i'll get on the treadmill in the morning but i'm well organised, clothes are ironed, dinner's cooked, kids bags packed and my salad stuff is all ready for lunch! Roll on the next 5 days the sooner they start the sooner they end.

Blog Roll

2009-12-13T03:00:00.002+10:30

I've just made some updates to the list of blogs I read - i've added some people who have supported my journey and deleted quite a few that don't post very often or that I haven't "clicked" with - the end result is a much shorter list and the reason for it is simple - shorter means able to keep up to date with more regularly and I acknowledge that's an important part of my journey where i've been lacking lately.

It's amazing the inspiration you can get from others - regardless of our reasons for being overweight, the demons we face or the obstacles that stop us from achieving our goals we can all gain something (pardon the pun) from others on this journey - that's the lesson i've learnt for tonight (or should I the morning - it's 3.03am as I type this and insomnia has reared it's head once again).

One blog in particular struck a chord with me - it taught me the lesson of staying on track even when you have an unexpected gain, as usually it catches up a week later! Of course I know this but let myself get sucked into the old thought process of "what's the point" because of my all or nothing attitude! But it's a good thing in a way too, it serves as a reminder of how much this journey is about the mindset that I portray and how much I need to continually work on that to achieve the success I want to achieve.

So yeah, i'm not overly impressed with my results this week and suspect I could well gain again on Tuesday night - of course I might be wrong but that's the thing about not tracking - you don't really know how well you're tracking (pardon the pun again) unless you're tracking! And seeing as i've given myself a bit of a break until the Tuesday after christmas there's a certain amount of uncertainty involved.

I think the majority of my choices have been good - after all went for the healthy option 2 out of the 3 times i've eaten out this week! As to tonight's BBQ with friends, I had my fish fingers and salad, limited my bread but did have a sausage and burger - I have to get past the mindset that I made "bad" choices - i've reached a point where I feel I "should" just have fish fingers and tossed salad at a BBQ but isn't that just depriving myself? I mean it's not easy to smell that red meat cooking and then turn it down - at least not for me! It's a constant battle I face and probably always will.

Then there's another blog I read tonight - this is someone i've kept in touch with on facebook in recent times and I followed her impressive weight loss results years ago - I was able to relate to what she said about "needing" to do this for herself, her daughter and her husband! It's how i've felt many a time, but I commented on her blog saying that in my opinion I don't think needing to do it is enough, you have to reach the point where you "WANT" to do it!

So yes, there's so many lessons out there to be learnt from others experiences - i've read all my blogs tonight and commented (except 2 - whose links are only on the computer and i'm in bed on the laptop, so will update myself on them tomorrow) and I fully intend to start reading updates at least every second day.

Onto my exercise challenge for the weekend - i'm half way through and not quite half way to my goal! I was pleased to say that I got on the treadmill and cranked the incline up to 8 once again and felt like I worked hard, earnt myself 2.5 bonus points there and then earnt another 2 points on the pedometer - I had hoped for more but unfortunately the housework got in the way and I ran out of time to take the dogs for a walk before our dinner guests arrived.

So tomorrow I need to do 5.5 points to achieve my 10 exercise points over the weekend - i'm pretty confident i'll be able to achieve that without too much trouble. I'm looking forward to next Saturday when my holidays begin and I start my exercise challenge - 2 hours a day! My plan at this stage is to have a standard routine of 30 minutes on the treadmill, an hour at the gym and 30 minutes walking the dog - of course I will vary that by using the wii at times too.

So i'm pleased to say that I have reigned back better control this week over the situation that occurred than what I would have in the past and regardless of what the scales will say on Tuesday night that's another step forward!

Onto non-weight loss issues - I'm having more frustrations with my child care centre at present and still not sure what to do about it! They had their christmas party on Thursday night and when I got the invitation it was from 4pm - 7pm, knowing Michael was on late shift we decided not to go as he doesn't get home from work until 6pm. I asked Mikayla's leader if we needed to pick the kids up early and she told me we didn't as the children being in care will be separated from those attending the party (the party was in the yard at the opposite end of the building). So I didn't bother with any of the other information that came out including the request for parents to provide a book to the value of $5 wrapped with their child's name on it for santa to hand out at the party! I wasn't feeling the best on Thursday so I came home early and had a sleep and Michael picked the kids up! Imagine my surprise when he came home to tell me that Lachlan and Mikayla were amongst the party kids and when santa was handing out presents Lachlan was told that "santa must have forgotten him". I mean that from a child care centre? He is nearly 4 years old and only too aware of what santa is all about.

Thankfully some clever thinking on his daddy's part had Lachie believing that santa must have gotten confused and left his present at home instead of day care. They got home and Lachie went in search of his present while Michael explained what happened - I was FUMING! I told Lachie that maybe santa left his present over in the toy room so while Michael took them over there to look I got a couple of DVD's out of the present cupboard (luckily I picked up one of our christmas laybys on Monday) and wrapped them and put them on the kids bed. When they came back over to say that there were no presents over there I told the kids to look in their bedrooms - crisis averted!

Now I am so not a confrontational person, I avoid confrontation whenever I can and often because emotion gets in the way but I was VERY angry about the situation and i'm more than aware that I have to address it! I considered ringing another child care centre on Friday (it's not the first time i've thought of doing this) but i'm reluctant to change things as Lachie has a lot of change happening soon anyway with kindy! Mikayla seems fine at this centre, it's Lachlan i'm more worried about, he's developed a dependency on one friend there who goes 5 days a week and because Zac plays with other kids on the days that Lachie isn't there he often wants to play with them on days that Lachie is there and Lachie comes home saying to me "Zac doesn't want to be my friend" - I know it's probably quite common but frustrating all the same! But come April he'll be only going 1 day a week and spending the other 2 days at kindy.

Ok, enough from me - I remember thinking once that blogging every day will keep my posts shorter ... lol ... seems I can still talk to the cows come home! Oh well might have to watch some TV now and then try and get some more sleep - have a quiet day planned for our Sunday, apart from swimming there's nothing on all day so will catch up on some ironing, washing etc - the joys of being a working mum!

When Life Gets In The Way ...

2009-12-12T00:08:00.002+10:30

Oh how I wish I didn't feel the ned to analyse everything on this weight loss journey! Yes, I had a bad day on Wednesday, I made some food choices I wasn't overly proud of, so why did that have to continue slightly into Thursday? And why did I start the day today telling myself it will be a better day only to indulge in a scone with jam and cream at morning tea!!!

So there I sat in my office realising that life happens ... social events occur and it is Christmas! I've been out for lunch Tuesday night, Wednesday night and again tonight and tomorrow night I have friends coming over for a BBQ - i'm not going to be a saint all the time!

I decided during the course of the afternoon that it's ok if I gain over the Christmas period - it comes but once a year and whether I like it or not so much of the celebration is centred around food - I don't drink or smoke anymore so while it's not the healthiest of habits food is my one indulgence in life and i'm going to enjoy it ... in moderation!

Once I had accepted that gaining weight wasn't an issue, that enjoying Christmas wasn't a sin and that tracking could be put on hold for a while (until the weigh in after Christmas) suddenly the monkey was off my back - I wasn't analysing what was the right or wrong decision to make and I automatically found myself making the right choices.

Dinner tonight was with 5 lovely ladies from my mum's group - we had a fabulous time, lots of laughs and great conversation. And I ordered exactly what I felt like for dinner - a chicken caesar salad with the dressing on the side! It went down well with 2 glasses of diet coke and a skinny cappuccino and I felt quite proud of myself.

The all or nothing mentality is losing some of the hold it's having on my life. I didn't get on the treadmill this morning and didn't even make it out for a lunch time walk today but I was conscious enough to increase my incidental exercise to earn 3 bonus points on my pedometer and as I type this i'm about to set my alarm for an early morning treadmill workout before the kids wake up.

So yeah, after some poor food choices I may well gain on Tuesday night, but that's ok, i've accepted that as a possibility and i'm living despite it! I've gotten to the stage i'm at in my life because of the "well i've already blown it so I might as well eat ..." it's time to take control of my choices, be responsible for them and make the most of each new day for what it is - A New Beginning! I'm going to aim for 10 bonus points tomorrow - let's see if I can achieve it!

Actions & Consequences

2009-12-10T22:12:00.002+10:30

Why is that when you think you've learnt some valuable lessons in life a big dose of reality comes and hits you in the face? I so thought I had reached a point in this journey where I was in control - I'd finally managed to wrestle that control away from the scales and one unexplained gain and I feel like I've fallen on my bum! Thankfully consequences for my actions has taught me the importance of picking myself up, dusting myself off and getting on with the job ... sooner rather than later!

I enjoyed every mouthful of that delicious pasta meal and the slice of bread I had for dinner last night ... while I was eating it! My body has made me pay for it ever since! I felt quite literally ill most of the night and was awake from 2.30am onwards this morning feeling the need to "pass" it anyway it would come out! Amazing how your body adjusts to different types of foods and rejects things you once would have loved.

Anyway long story short, I went to work early, INCREDIBLY tired and just didn't care about the diet, the exercise - all that was on my mind was surviving the day! I went and talked to my manager around 12 noon and told him that I didn't sleep well and asked if I could go home at 1.30pm because by then I would have done 7.5 hours work anyway - he was fine with it so I promptly headed home and took myself off to bed for a 3 hour nap.

I still didn't feel 100% when I woke up and upon hearing the news from day care when Michael picked the kids up I REALLY fell apart! It was their Christmas party today and as it was being held from 4pm - 7pm we decided not to go this year. I asked Mikayla's leader if they needed to leave the centre early if they weren't attending, she assured me they didn't because they would be in the nursery room and the party was being held in the pre-school grounds (opposite side of the centre). Santa was making a visit and all parents attending had to bring a book wrapped up and clearly labelled with their children's name to the value of $5 for Santa to hand out! Imagine my surprise when Michael went to the nursery to pick the kids up only to discover they were in the yard enjoying the party and had been told SORRY, IT SEEMS SANTA FORGOT TO LEAVE YOU A PRESENT!!!! I was DISGUSTED beyond belief.

Thanks to some very quick thinking from their daddy Lachie and Mikayla were told that Santa must have gotten confused and left their presents at home instead. Lachie raced in the front door looking everywhere for the present that Santa must have left, Michael quickly explained the situation to me and I ushered them over to the toy room to look over there. Meanwhile I went to the present cupboard (luckily I picked up one of my christmas laybys on Monday) and grabbed a "My Little Pony" DVD for Mikayla and a "Spongebob Squarepants" DVD for Lachlan and quickly wrapped them and placed them in their rooms. When Lachie returned to say there weren't any presents left from Santa in the toyroom I told him to have a look in his bedroom and there on his bed was the present that Santa had left - crisis averted!

But you know it was just the final straw! It was too much for me to contemplate my children being told that, it was too much to face the gain the other night, too much to keep burning myself out day in day out. I'm simply not coping and I need to be kinder to myself and my family! Sometimes I need to remind myself that we work to live, not live to work! I love my job and I do a great job at it but I miss my kids in the morning and they miss me too! It has to stop - thankfully the end IS in sight - only one more week until i'm on holidays for nearly a month and I need every day of that to have some quality time with my kids and some time to myself. Thankfully Kate will be returning to work in January (she's been on maternity leave since the middle of the year) and that will cut back a bit on my workload - not sure that I could continue this for much longer!

So suffice to say, yes i've learnt a valuable lesson in regards to my actions having consequences - one simple pasta meal set me on a downward spiral last night and today through lack of sleep and stress - who would have thought one meal could impact so much on my life! But quite simply put it's not the type of meal I eat anymore - it's a lifestyle choice I decided to make and to back it up today with more bad choices is just the biggest mistake.

Suffice to say that right before I started this entry I planned the rest of my week - starting with a decent sleep tonight. I have a morning tea at work tomorrow where we're exchanging secret santa presents - on offer are pies and pasties, scones with jam and cream, cinnamon donuts, lamington fingers and a platter of meats, cheeses, dips and crackers - suffice to say i'm delegating the food preparation to someone else and fully intend to enjoy my rice crackers and apple at the morning tea! Tomorrow night i'm out for dinner with the mums group and i've already been online to check out the menu - i'm having the caesar salad (with the dressing on the side) with chicken tenders added!

Saturday we have friends coming over for a BBQ dinner - for me it was be lots of tossed salad with fish fingers and a couple of lamington fingers as a treat - while the rest of them enjoy chocolate mud cake!

Yes my actions have consequences, and if the actions are negative so are the consequences, but it's never too late to focus on positive actions and in turn get positive consequences - there's really no choice to be made here - it's positive decisions all the way! I just wish I could bottle that feeling from last night and bring it out to remind myself of the consequences of eating those foods that my body just doesn't accept anymore!

Practicing What We Preach!

2009-12-09T21:19:00.002+10:30

That's exactly what I need to do! It occurred to me today that when others were faced with this predicament (an unexplained gain), I have (on many occasions) suggested that they assess their week, if they can find fault, fix it if they can't move on ... it really is that simple and moving on is EXACTLY what I intend to do.

Thanks to everyone who commented and especially to Kazz and Kathie who went to the trouble of sending me very supportive emails - i've taken both of your comments on board and agree wholeheartedly with what you've said.

One thing stood out more than anything else and that's what you said Kazz about whether i'm getting enough sleep! You know that actually makes sense and yet I can say without any hesitation that NO, I haven't been getting anywhere near enough sleep in the last few weeks, some nights i'm lucky to get 6 hours and i'm ALWAYS feeling tired of late! This coming from a girl who has always focussed on getting a good 7-8 hours every night, so that's something that I need to be conscious of.

It also made me realise how I do only rely on the scales as a measuring tool and I "SHOULD" take measurements but quite frankly I don't like doing it and it becomes a chore to me. It's a risk i'm willing to take to put myself in a situation where I only have the scales to rely on, but I know the results speak for themselves - like the shirt I wore when going out for dinner tonight that absolutely swam on me, I haven't worn it for a few months and it was a great feeling.

I need to remind myself that i'm doing this for so many more reasons than just to lose weight, it's about a healthier lifestyle not only for me but for all my family and to that end i'm looking at the possibility of doing personal training in the New Year to develop my fitness to the next level. I even emailed Tina my WW leader today asking for some information about her husband Don's personal training business - I want to weigh up my options of a PT at the gym compared to a private one before making any final decision.

So on that note i've already moved on, I went out for dinner tonight and decided to "treat" myself to a pasta dish with chicken and broccoli, was a beautiful meal but I just can't do it anymore - I was uncomfortably full and it reminds me of the changes i've made, I just can't eat meals that size anymore and i've never been the sort of person who can leave food on my plate. It's an interesting position to be in and something i'm conscious of, so next time I will stick to my salads that I eat most times when going to cafes and restaurants.

As to the scales - I think the majority of the disappointment came from the fact that my goal of getting to 115kgs by the end of the year now seems out of reach. That's not a reflection of the work i've done but more of the need to not set goals based on dates and numbers, so I choose to abandon that from this point on.

I started this journey on June 16th at 129.3kgs - i'm now 119.4 kilos - in 6 months i've lost 9.9kgs and while that's not a huge number on the scales it's light years ahead in my mindset and it's quite a significant difference in the way my clothes feel but more importantly than anything else is that with my all or nothing mentality 10kgs off is a damn sight better than 10kgs heavier, which is probably where i'd be now if I wasn't so focusssed.

I gave myself a day "off" today, no planned exercise, no pedometer - I just didn't want it to rule my life for a day, no harm in that - the alarm is set and i'm back on the treadmill first thing tomorrow morning, and even better is i'm looking forward to it!

Thanks again for all your feedback - Kazz, you have learnt so much insight from your Personal Training experiences that I really think you owe it to yourself to pursue your goal of becoming a PT once you've completed your journey - it will be such a waste if you don't!

Back soon .....

FRUSTRATED!!!

2009-12-08T21:49:00.002+10:30

Ok girls - I need some input!

I went to my meeting tonight and was quite shocked to gain 700 grams! So let me recap on my recent history! For 6 consecutive weeks I wasn't putting 100% into it and my overall result for that period of time was a gain of 300 grams. I decided to step things up a notch with the water, tracking exercising etc and have since lost 1.4kgs, 1.5kgs and 500 grams! I know 3.4kgs in 3 weeks is a good result and I fully expected to have another loss tonight and I felt it was deserved, I definitely didn't expect a gain and definitely not one as high as 700 grams!

My frustration is caused by a lack of knowledge as to why this has occurred - it's not TOM - that actually happened the week before last when I lost over a kilo. I hadn't eaten out of the ordinary today, kept my water intake a little lower (like I do every Tuesday) and even wore the same clothes that I usually wear to weigh in (superstitious of me I know).

As to my result for the week - when I went under 120kgs I dropped to 23 points a day - over the course of the week i've eaten all of those points plus 20.5 of the 27.5 bonus points i've earnt! So suffice to say i'm stunned as to why I had this gain!

I'm still unsure of what to do regarding eating my bonus points and in my own mind my theory makes sense. Take yesterday for example - I walked uphill on the treadmill for 30 minutes in the morning for a total of 2.5 bonus points, I walked the dogs for half an hour last night and wore my pedometer all day (except for when using the treadmill). At the end of the day my pedometer recorded over 13,000 steps and 5.5 bonus points so I recorded 8 bonus points for the day! Now my understanding of the theory is that I should have eaten 4 of those points (which I pretty much did).

The reason I feel that's wrong is because so much of it was earnt from incidental exercise - i.e. if I didn't own a pedometer I would have recorded 2.5 points for the treadmill and possibly 1.5 or maybe 2 points for walking the dogs last night. So a fair estimate would be only 4 points (half of what I tracked). It just doesn't feel right in my head to eat points earnt from incidental exercise - planned exercise yes, but not incidental.

Of course the simple answer would be to stop wearing the pedometer if I feel like that about the situation - the only problem is that I do tend to go out of my way to increase my incidental exercise BECAUSE I wear the pedometer - so there in lies my dilemma!

I don't know what is right or wrong! I'm a stickler for the program, i'm tracking religiously i'm eating 5-6 times a day and it's not practical to try and eat more, i'm not hungry, I eat a good balance of foods and plan in some treats to stop me from craving foods. I probably should point out that the biggest advantage I have at present is my mindset - as I get closer to my exercise challenge for my holidays there's not the slightest bit of negativity about what i'm doing - not even after tonight's result. I believe that it will catch up next week but that doesn't stop me from feeling frustrated at the result.

In fact tonight's result has had a positive impact on me! I have a day off tomorrow and as Michael doesn't have to leave until 8pm he was going to let me sleep in - no chance now! I'm setting my alarm for 6.30am so I can either walk the dogs or get on the treadmill before he goes to work and make the most of him being here to look after the kids! No scale is going to beat me and while I know that we shouldn't be ruled by numbers it's bloody hard to accept unexplained gains especially for someone as analytical as me. So girls, i'm begging for your opinions - try justifying the situation for me because i'm at a loss to find an explanation ... all comments gratefully appreciated!

Another Demon Rears It's Head

2009-12-06T21:30:00.004+10:30

I remember back to the old days when I used to cook a lot from Annette Sym's cookbooks - there were some recipes that I knew I just couldn't make because I would pick CONSTANTLY at them - one of them was her chocolate chip cookies!

Well now that Lachie has passed his wheat and egg in baked goods challenges he's discovered a love for cooking - prior to today we've only made pancakes but today we decided to make biscuits together and doing the right thing by all of us I pulled out my much loved AS books and made a double batch of her recipe and just couldn't say no to 1, 2, 3 ... yep even had the 4th one - a bit rich when they're 1.5 points each!

But i'm pretty proud of myself all the same - I realised that after eating 4 of these biscuits that I was quite full, so as unhealthy a meal as it was I made this my dinner and didn't feel the need to still eat a meal because I cooked it (an old habit of mine) and having just updated my tracker I only went 1.5 points over for the day - not bad for someone who earnt 4 exercise points!

And it reminds me once again why I do Weight Watchers - after all the results speak for themselves, I came within points (ok so it was using some bonus points) but that's the focus of the program and why I know it's the right thing for me. So i turned a negative into a positive and it felt great to do it.

I've had a restful weekend with a big sleep Friday night, a couple of treadmill-free days and a nana nap yesterday - today I got up at 5.30am, jumped on the treadmill and felt great for it! And as I write this i'm about to go to bed and get up bright and early and do it all again.

I'm feeling good for what i'm achieving - making so many changes along the way - thanks to all those wonderful people who inspire me along the way - i've read a few blogs over the weekend but haven't had much of a chance to comment of late but will get back into better habits soon.

Another Demon Rears It'

2009-12-06T21:30:00.001+10:30

R&R

2009-12-05T22:23:00.002+10:30

Yep - you heard right - i've been listening to my body for a change and having lots of rest and relaxation and believe me i've had plenty of signs that I needed to do this! I slept 10 solid hours last night and then when I got home from a birthday party today I had what I intended to be a short nap and woke up 2 and a half hours later!

Suffice to say I couldn't be bothered with the housework or anything else so have just chalked today up to a well-deserved down day! I haven't been on the treadmill since Thursday but fully intend to set my alarm for an early start to the day tomorrow and get back into my routine and then start tackling this mess that I call a house.

I'm on track, feeling great and loving life! I've come so far in this journey - there was a time (not so long ago) where my all or nothing attitude would have led me to binging after breaking this treadmill challenge, but the thought never even occurred to me - with my hand over my heart I can say that I have made so much progress on the mind set that is involved in this journey that failure just isn't on the cards anymore!

I'm still having trouble with my mind catching up to the fact that i've lost over 10kgs - it's a great feeling and I love that I feel that way about it. In the past I would have been disappointed to have only lost that amount of weight in 6 months but it's very conceivable that I will be at least 20kgs down when I hit my 1 year anniversary with WW and that's a damn sight better than being 20kgs up!

I'm having one of those fabulous family weekends that I love so much - Michael looked after the kids while I laid in bed for a while having some me time this morning and then we headed out to a friend's place for her son's 1st birthday party, home for a nap, then dinner and we talk the kids out driving around tonight to look at christmas tree lights. We had plans for friends to come over for a BBQ tonight as they're about to head off on a trip around Australia but unfortunately they had to cancel at the last minute as they have so much to still pack up and organise before the sale of their house is finalised.

Tomorrow Lachie and I are going christmas shopping after swimming lessons and then we're going to make christmas cookies together (Annette Sym recipe) and then of course there's the usual fun stuff of washing, ironing, housework, preparing lunches, packing day care bags etc.

A busy week awaits me - i'm out for dinner with friends on Tuesday, Wednesday & Friday night, then have a Christmas picnic on Saturday afternoon next week before having friends over next Saturday night for another pre-Christmas BBQ! I love this festive season!

Success or Failure?

2009-12-03T20:18:00.003+10:30

It all comes back to attitude!

Here's an outline of my day - 3.35am, wake up, look at the clock and realise the alarm goes off in 25 minutes, not feeling 100%, reset alarm for 4.45am persuading myself that I will get on the treadmill tonight instead. 3.52am - wide awake, decide that I will do the right thing and get on the treadmill! 16 minutes into my workout and felt quite ill, thought I was going to be sick. Talked myself into getting back on the treadmill, only lasted a few more minutes before feeling "off" again so opted to do the other 30 minutes tonight.

Shower, get dressed, grab my walking clothes and leave home just before 5.30am - arrive at the office at 6am ready to start the day - felt quite nauseous on and off all day, eating subway for lunch helped (opted for something more substantial than a salad thinking it might have been lack of filling food that made me feel off). Felt better - massive brain drain for the day, spent the entire afternoon in a meeting and walked out the office at 5.15am - 11 1/4 hours after I started (with no break). Now i'm sitting up in bed, completely drained and having to admit that there was no way physically possible I could get on that damn treadmill tonight!

So i've been talking it through in my head! I've only failed my treadmill challenge if I choose to see it that way - yes, I didn't achieve the 50 minutes I set out to do today - and it's only day 10! No, I doubt that i'll be on the treadmill tomorrow either, work beckons and i'm taking a couple of hours off in the middle of the day to take the kids to The Wiggles concert.

So instead of pushing myself too hard i'm looking at the positives - I feel more invigorated than I have in a long time, for the most part i've been REALLY enjoying my exercise, I still fully intend to exercise a minimum of 2 hours a day every day of my holidays (with the exception of Christmas day) and i'm doing really well with my food choices and sticking to my points quite easily. Simply put it's this challenge that has given me the right mindset in this journey so even if I don't complete it I think it's been a huge success to get me off that plateau I had where I gained 300 grams in 6 weeks - after all i've turned that around to 3.4kgs lost in the last 3 weeks!

So it all comes down to what I do next - you can bet i'll be back on that treadmill on Saturday morning, and again on Sunday, and I look forward to implementing the exercise plan i've devised for next year. I believe that exercise is the key for me - I know what I can eat and I do it well, I count points well, track well, make good food choices and allow myself some indulgences - I believe if I can get the exercise right i'll set myself up for success all the way. It's all about my attitude - to see this as failure could see me fail completely and that's not even an option.

As to my exercise plan next year, well that's as follows:

MONDAY - 30 minutes treadmill, 1 hour walk at lunch
TUESDAY - 90 minutes gym
WEDNESDAY - 30 minutes treadmill, 1 hour walk at lunch, wii fit workout
THURSDAY - 90 minutes gym
FRIDAY - 30 minutes treadmill, 1 hour walk at lunch
SATURDAY - 90 minutes gym, 30 minutes walking the dogs
SUNDAY - 30 minutes walking the dogs, wii fit workout

Subject to flexibility of course - i'm also going to get back into daily situps - 100 of them takes me less than 10 minutes and did wonders for me in toning my stomach when I lost weight for my wedding - i'm hoping it will have the same affect.

So yes, i'm tired, i'm drained and I feel sick - but I refuse to buy into my challenge being a failure, quite the opposite in fact, it's inspired me like never before and once again on Saturday morning i'll be setting the alarm and having another good workout but for now it's 8.30pm and my alarm goes off in 8 hours for another early start in the office - just as well there are only 2 weeks to go until holidays and the good news is that kate's back from maternity leave in January so that will ease some pressure and I was approved for a 7.5% pay increase yesterday too :-)

Struggling...

2009-12-03T06:28:00.003+10:30

Oh it's a tough life at times! Yesterday I got out of bed at 4.30am, did my 50 minutes on the treadmill, jumped in the shower and got ready to start my day. Took the kids to my mum's house had a very busy day at work, headed down to Port Adelaide for the launching of Michael's dads boat (he's just renamed it the "M&M" after his granddaughters Maddison & Mikayla), took the kids to Hungry Jacks for dinner and a play (I had a grilled chicken burger and diet coke) and then headed home. Got home at 8pm and was in bed by 8.40pm COMPLETELY EXHAUSTED!

The alarm went off at 4am this morning and I got on the treadmill, got to the 16 minute mark and felt sick - literally! Ran to the bathroom and thankfully settled down soon after. I got back on the treadmill for another 4 minutes but just couldn't go any further. I'm now at work (started at 6am this morning) and feeling down on myself for not having done my workout this morning. Suffice to say I will be doing the other 30 minutes tonight as I REFUSE to let go of this challenge - this is day 10 and i've come too far to turn back now.

But it has made me stop and think a bit about how far i'm pushing myself at the moment. I get on that treadmill and try to remind myself that i'm probably fitter than a lot of the people on The Biggest Loser and if they can get through this so can I but in reality they're not working longer than usual hours, looking after a house, raising two kids etc while doing it (not that i'm doing anywhere near the exercise that they do).

It just makes me aware of a few things - like how little sleep i've been getting of late and how much i'm burning myself out and that's something that I have to be conscious of. I think I might jig this challenge a bit and do 30 minutes morning and night for the next 11 days - it actually means i'll do 10 minutes more a day on the treadmill so that has to be a good thing. Once the challenge ends on Monday week I have 4 days before my next challenge begins and i'm quite happy to have 2 of those days exercise free!

It's also made me stop and think what I want to do long term! I mean it's great to set myself a treadmill challenge and follow it up with a holiday challenge but when I go back to work on the 14th January what then?

So i've come up with a rough plan - i'd like to get to the gym 3 times a week for about 90 minutes each time, walk 4 days a week (2-3 of those days will be during my lunch break with a girl from work), get on the treadmill for 30 minutes 4 times a week and do at least 2 wii workouts a week. That's still an impressive tally and there will be some days where I do the treadmill in the morning, walk at lunch and then go to the gym at night which still allows me to have other days as exercise free.

I feel better having dealt with these issues in my head and i'm conscious of the fact that while working full time hours (and above) was probably not the ideal time to start such a big challenge but I thought if I post this now it ensures that I don't feel like i've failed - does that make sense?

On a positive note i'm VERY proud of myself for having chosen the grilled chicken burger and diet coke at Hungry Jacks last night - I did have some of Michael's fries as well but they were all pointed for so there's no reason to feel guilty right?

Very Quick Update

2009-12-01T22:11:00.002+10:30

Weighed in tonight and lost another 500 grams - that's 3.4kgs in the last 3 weeks and 10.6kgs overall now so i'm pretty happy with that result! Loving the treadmill (hence the quick update - 4.30am comes around pretty quickly and that's when I need to get up to fit my workout in tomorrow).

I love the comments and feedback i'm getting but just wanted to apologise for my slackness in reading blogs of late - I haven't been doing the rounds of other blogs as often as I like to and hope to get back into more of a routine soon! I like to be able to support those that support me so thanks again for all your comments and encouragement.

Another week begins ...

7 Days and Counting

2009-11-30T20:27:00.002+10:30

So that's a third of the way through my treadmill challenge and it's getting harder! Of course i'm sure lack of sleep last night played a part in it but I really had to DRAG myself out of bed when the alarm went off this morning but drag myself I did, it's amazing how once i'm actually on the treadmill i'm fine, it's just getting started that's the problem.

Have to say in my recent post about support from my husband it occurred to me while walking the dogs that support comes in many different forms. After all tonight he gladly took on bathing the kids so that I could go out for my walk earlier so I would be home in time to give Mikayla a bottle and settle her for the night, I tend to forget little things like that that he does to support me and it's something I should acknowledge more.

Once I exercised total control in the face of temptation today! I was in a meeting from 10am to 5pm with 2 plates in the centre of the boardroom table - one laden with biscuits the other cakes and I happily snacked on my rice crackers and apple! I do admit that I was tempted to just have one tim tam and point it but a bit of positive self talk had me remembering that I don't think i've ever been able to stop at one tim tam! So I opted for none instead and it was a great feeling.

Tomorrow i'm hoping to increase my incidental exercise once again - i have the day off work as Lachlan has an eczema clinic and dermatology appointment at the hospital and then we're going shopping for some christmas presents so lots of walking around the shops - plus i'll be on the treadmill again and hope to take the dogs for a walk tomorrow before going to Weight Watchers - i'll be back tomorrow night to report on the scale result of this treadmill challenge ... off to read a few blogs before getting an early night!

Thankyou :-)

2009-11-29T20:43:00.002+10:30

Thanks so much to everyone who commented on my last post - I also got a message via Facebook and an email in response to what I wrote that meant a lot to me and all your comments are very valid! I know that he'll "catch up" to where i'm at in time and I shouldn't take it personally that this journey means so much more to me than it does to him, I just need to keep reminding myself of that.

I feel so damn proud of myself for some of the things i've been achieving recently and just because he doesn't say it doesn't mean he's not proud of me. Only problem is I NEED to hear it. I guess that's the whole "women from venus and men from mars" thing.

I hosted a sausage sizzle for some girls i've met through a mums group today - very interesting! I had control of the meat and the desserts so instead of just having sausages I also supplied fish fingers (which is the only thing I ate) and as for desserts I ate 1 lamington finger for 1.5 points - I actually planned to have two of them but didn't feel like the second one so felt pretty proud of myself for that!

But more interesting was a conversation I had with a friend who is at the same stage of her journey as I am - she has a lot less weight to lose but things have clicked and she too can say she's reached the stage where the exercise is more important than whatever else could prove to be an obstacle and it was so nice to be so open and honest about my mindset and what i'm achieving with someone that i've met away from weight loss forums.

As for my treadmill challenge this weekend - my alarm went off at 5am yesterday morning and 5.30am this morning and I was on the treadmill soon after both days! It is easier than it sounds given that i'm a morning person and i've been having early nights prior to doing these early starts but I realised i've reached the stage where exercise is more important to me than weekend sleep ins or maybe it's just that I know me and know that to commit to my plan I NEED to exercise first thing in the morning to avoid putting it off!

At present i've planned my food and exercise for the remainder of the week and assuming I keep to the plan exactly I will have achieved a MASSIVE 42.5 exercise points for the week, so I will be interested to see what that translates to on the scales - after all last week with TOM due and less exercise I managed to lose 1.5kgs - I have no expectations (apart from hoping to lose 4.2kgs in the next 5 weeks to get to my end of year goal).

Last night was family night in our house - we do it every second Saturday - we get fish and chips for dinner and sit around the lounge room coffee table eating together and then watch a kids movie together - we all LOVE our family nights. The great thing is I join in and eat with them! I have a piece of grilled butterfish for 2.5 points, a pineapple fritter for 2.5 points and measure out 100 grams of hot chips for 6 points and enjoy my little 11 point indulgence! But to ensure I don't go over points for the day I had a tuna salad for lunch which cost me 2.5 points - so two main meals for the day added up to 13.5 points - it's when I achieve things like that I feel like NOTHING can stop me.

Finding The Right Balance!

2009-11-28T21:31:00.002+10:30

This is a dilemma that's never happened to me before and I don't quite know how to handle it! Michael has always known how important it is to me to lose weight - I lead a life that I am VERY happy with and feel blessed to have my family, my house, job, friends etc and i've often said that the one thing I wanted to change was my weight and I believe that i'm lucky to have the one area of my life that I don't like in my control.

But the problem I have now is with my level of motivation (never thought I'd be saying that), quite simply put, Michael doesn't share it and yet he needs to lose some weight. I'm not prepared to wait until he feels motivated, i'm hoping that in time my motivation will rub off onto him (I know it has already to some extent) but in the interim i'm trying to get the balance right in my relationship. Being my husband it makes sense that I would share things with him that I find exciting - whether it be my exercise success, the good food choices I make, the buzz I get from exercise etc but I think it's causing a bit of tension. He generally DOESN'T want to hear it (at least not to the extent that I talk about it) and I often take offense to that thinking he's not interested in the changes that i'm making in myself to benefit the whole family.

I know i'm probably thinking about this from the wrong angle but I just want to nip it in the bud before it becomes more of an issue.

I share a lot of my successes in this blog and also on facebook but I want him to share in my excitement but there needs to be a balance for him too, i'm just not sure how to achieve that! But at least i'm aware of it - that's the first step right?

I know myself and I know my limitations when it comes to the decisions i have to make. Take today for example - it was family night in our house (we have a family night once a month) where we have a picnic in the lounge room and we watch a kids movie that Lachie picks! We all love the tradition and usually we have fish and chips for tea - I decided to STILL have it - I had a piece of grilled butterfish, measured out my chips and treated myself to a pineapple fritter for a total of 11 points - I loved every mouthful! But balanced it out with a 2.5 point tuna salad for lunch.

Another example is my 21 day treadmill challenge - i'm 5 days into it now with 16 more days to go but I just knew that if I headed out for the day with the intent of doing it when I got home there was a possibility that it wouldn't happen so I made the best decision I could - to set my alarm for 5am on a Saturday morning and do it before the kids woke up! And i'm doing the same thing again tomorrow morning. It's a sacrifice i'm prepared to make to achieve the success I want - hence the reason I needed a nana nap today!

So it's all about compromise - I give up my sleep ins to do my exercise, I enjoy a takeaway meal by having a low point salad on the same day and likewise I need to learn how to create a balance between sharing the thoughts and feelings I have with my husband over my weight loss success without going overboard - I just find it has such an impact on your life! It's a big focus for me at the moment so it goes without saying it's something I talk about.

Any advice on ways of achieving a good balance?

I Walked In The Rain!

2009-11-27T20:23:00.002+10:30

I never thought I would be able to say that! It wasn't intentional, I only took the dogs out for a walk tonight because a) I wanted more than half a bonus point on my pedometer and b) the sky looked pretty clear so off we went. My husband (jinx that he is) joked that it would probably start pouring down just as i'm about to head back, and guess what ... IT DID! Right as I did the loop to head back in the other direction!

By the time I was half way home I was completely drenched and so were the dogs, somehow they were quite unimpressed but it's an exhilarating experience! I came home, had a hot shower and updated my tracker with yet another total of 6.5 bonus points earnt today!

I've even managed to rope in another friend at work on my 21 day treadmill challenge - tomorrow will be day 5 - and to prove how focussed I am i'm setting my alarm on a Saturday so that I can get up and do my workout before the kids wake up! We have a big day out planned and hopefully it will go ahead (Lachie had some diarrhoea today but has been ok for most of the afternoon so think it's passed now) so I figure no time like first thing in the morning to do my exercise.

And then on Sunday i'm having a few people over for a meet/sausage sizzle - and i'm fully prepared with a box of fish fingers, there's no way i'm spending THAT many points on a sausage. I'm loving this feeling and can truly say i've never been this determined before, maybe i've just reached that point where i've had enough of being fat - I don't know, all I know for sure is that something has snapped inside and i've got motivation that i've never known before and I love the feeling. Only 3 weeks to go until holidays and my exercise challenge - really looking forward to that and especially the transformation I can make by the time I go back to work.

A Massive Challenge Awaits...

2009-11-26T20:54:00.002+10:30

Ok, it's time to get rid of these kilos! I was out walking the dogs tonight when it occurred to me that I don't remember the last time I felt this good about myself - I just have this positive vibe about everything in my life and i'm sure a lot of it comes from my exercise and the energy it's giving me and I LOVE the feeling!

So i've decided to capitalise on the Christmas shutdown and make a MASSIVE commitment to myself and my weight loss efforts! I've increased my treadmill workouts to 50 minutes - it's tough but when I start to have thoughts of giving up I remind myself of The Biggest Loser and how they have to dig deep to find that inner strength to keep going when it would be easier to give up. So that led me to persuading Michael to download as much of the US series as he can find. And just as the mere thought of the massive efforts of those contestants has kept me motivated on the treadmill for 3 days in a row for 50 minutes on a speed of 5 and incline of 6 so will watching these episodes set me up for my next challenge.

I finish work on the 18th December and I have 26 days off! I am making a committment to myself that in that 26 days I will take only one day off of exercise (that being Christmas day), the other 25 days I will exercise for 2 hours a day! It sounds a lot but when you consider that just today I walked the dogs for 40 minutes and did 50 minutes on the treadmill this morning I worked out for 1 1/2 hours today and worked as well - so it shouldn't be too hard!

Those 2 hours each day will be made up of a combination of wii workouts, taking the dogs for a walk, using the treadmill and going to the gym. I'm even thinking I might do some aqua aerobics classes over the summer months too as I loved it when I went before! I have decided that I would like to set myself a goal of being double digits for my 1 year anniversary on Weight Watchers and while it might be a tough ask (need to lose 19.3kgs in 6 1/2 months) I need a big thing to aim for to keep me motivated.

I've even been searching ebay for charms tonight and have a couple on my watch list that I intend to bid on over the weekend. (For anyone that doesn't know I wear a bracelet with 14 links on it - I bought it a while ago and I intend to add a charm for every 5kgs lost - the final charm will be added when I get to my goal weight). So far i've lost 10.1kgs so need 2 charms and I want some of them to be symbolic - the first is a tortoise - to represent the time it will take to get me to goal, "slow and steady wins the race" and the second is a pair of baby booties - one for each of my babies who i'm doing this for as much as I am doing it for myself - I REFUSE to let them grow up with the weight issues i've carried around all my life!

So operation HOLIDAY EXERCISE CHALLENGE is on - I know it will be a challenge but the kids are still in day care and time is on my side (a rare thing) and if i'm going to achieve one thing these holidays it's to shed as many kilos as humanly possible!

Back To Work Tomorrow...

2009-11-25T22:12:00.002+10:30

After 2 relaxing days off I have to get up and go back to the office tomorrow - how unfair is that? Today was my normal day off and yesterday I called in sick with stomach cramps so just had a relaxing day at home, spending a fair bit of it resting in bed.

You heard this here first - I actually think i'm starting to become addicted to exercise! I am about to go to bed disappointed with the fact that i've ONLY earnt 5 bonus points today (4 points on the treadmill and 1 on the pedometer for incidental steps) - never thought I would see the day that would happen but it's a fabulous feeling! I've tracked my food for the next few days (subject to changes of course) and have my exercise planned too, including a 6am start on the treadmill tomorrow.

I can see that 115kgs on the scales by the end of the year already!

On A High!

2009-11-24T22:07:00.002+10:30

I had a MASSIVE victory on the treadmill today and proved once again how much our mindset can control this journey! I've been doing so well with my exercise lately and have enjoyed my half hour workout on the treadmill in the morning. I always work up quite a sweat as I use the treadmill on a minimum incline of 6 but today I decided that instead of being happy to earn 2.5 bonus points I would earn 3 - using eTools I worked out I would get 3 points for 35 minutes so having made up my mind to push myself that extra 5 minutes I got on the treadmill!

I put a tape in the video player and off I went, so imagine my surprise when I got near the 30 minute mark and suddenly I was thinking I might just be able to go past 35 minutes! I let myself believe it was possible to go past that 30 minutes and then I started thinking anything was possible. As my show was coming to an end I just kept going trying not to torment myself with the timer on the treadmill - the show finished, I looked down to see 48:22 on the clock so pushed myself through to the 50 minute mark for a huge 4.5 bonus points! Not to mention the points I clocked up on my pedometer by dragging my husband, the kids and dogs out for a walk tonight as well.

That was such a huge victory for me because now i'm determined that 50 minutes is what i'll be aiming for every day - that's a big increase and something i'm very proud of.

Now for my weigh in result - I had hoped that I would get under 120kgs, I was 120.7kgs so needed to lose 800 grams to achieve it. Then next week I was hoping that I would reach my 10kgs lost mark (I started at 129.3kgs). I was reluctant to admit that TOM was due for fear of sounding like I was making excuses and justifying it if things didn't go my way so I didn't mention it! As it happens I came home and TOM arrived only an hour or two after the meeting.

And I lost a MASSIVE 1.5kgs and achieved BOTH my goals - weighing in at 119.2kgs i'm not only under 120kgs for the first time in 2 years that I can remember but i've also lost a total of 10.1kgs! And my goal of ending the year at 115kgs is definitely within my reach - I need to lose 4.2kgs in 5 weeks! You can bet i'll be giving it everything i've got to try and achieve it! I also think it's feasible to be aiming to be double digits by my birthday next year (and my first year anniversary with WW). It's amazing what the right mindset can do - I gained 300 grams over a 6 week period - decided I needed to shake things up 2 weeks ago and have since lost 2.9kgs in 2 weeks - suffice to say i'm very proud of what i'm achieving and spurred on to keep it going.

Faking It Until I'm Making It!

2009-11-23T20:32:00.002+10:30

I've always loved that saying - but don't think I have ever really lived it ... until now! I've had another one of "THOSE" days, started on the treadmill at 4.30am for 30 minutes then started working at 6.15am, had my pedometer on and did everything I could to increase my incidental exercise (including going to the shops at lunch time and parking at the opposite end of where I needed to go). I set myself a goal of earning 3 bonus points (not including the treadmill - that was an additional 2.5) and i'm enjoying pushing myself! Suffice to say my dogs were very tired by the time we got back from our walk tonight and I was pretty pleased to have clocked up another 5.5 bonus points for the day!

The one thing I did do to let myself down today was convince myself that I would be ok with Michael and the kids eating hot chips for dinner while I ate fish fingers and salad - I wasn't! And I gave in and had some! I'm a little annoyed at myself for that but it's a valuable lesson, don't bring things like that into the house unless I can point for them. I'm not too fussed, it's still 24 hours to go before weigh in and so far i've earnt 19 bonus points for the week and with the chips included i've used 9 of those points - i'm ok with that.

As I said to Michael tonight I haven't yet gotten to the stage where I enjoy the exercise but I do enjoy the feeling it gives me having achieved it and that's enough to motivate me! I've already established my exercise goals for next year - I know that sounds silly but when you work the hours I do so far from home, have a big house to look after and two young kids you have to plan things carefully if you want any time for yourself - whether it be to do what I want or exercise!

Once Lachie starts kindy in April I will be working 2 short days a week (his kindy days) and only working 9.30 - 2.30pm on Tuesdays & Thursdays - they're perfect days to go to the gym because I spend more time with the kids anyway, I will go on Thursday nights once Mikayla goes to bed at 7.30pm (much as I do now) and then straight after WW on Tuesday nights. I'll also go on Sunday mornings - then on top of that Michael and I are going to do the wii workouts on Wednesday and Saturday nights - Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays I work full days and have an hour for lunch and will walk during my break and then of course I will try to get up early on the treadmill at least 3 days a week! So it all fits (even when daylight savings ends) without having too much impact on my family.

Feeling really good about this - i'm starting to finally believe that success can be mine, I just don't think i've ever wanted it enough before now!

Why Do Weekends Fly So Quickly?

2009-11-22T20:32:00.002+10:30

If I could only find out I might be able to do something to slow it down! Oh well, wishful thinking I guess! I've had a fabulous weekend overall, lots of quality time with my husband and kids and some down time for me!

I even persuaded myself that I really did need to take the dogs for a walk today because I haven't exercised as much as I usually do in recent days - of course the dogs agreed willingly to start with, until they realised that I had the "BIG" block in mind! An hour later we all made it home puffing and panting and I clocked up 4 bonus points on my pedometer! Must have been quite a sight too as they struggled with the walk, so much so that they both got carried part of the way. I imagine how it would have looked with me dragging one dog while holding the other - just as well i've got maltese shih-tzu's and not german shepherds ... lol

Back to work tomorrow and another early start on the treadmill! I'm REALLY hoping that I get under 120kgs at weigh in on Tuesday night (I need to lose 800 grams to achieve it). If it happens i'll be so excited, if not i'll make sure it happens the following Tuesday.

Loving Life!

2009-11-21T22:35:00.002+10:30

I'm sitting at home relaxing in the study just enjoying some downtime! Michael's playing WOW on his computer behind me and i'm about to curl up in bed with a coffee to watch TV! The house is quiet, eerily so, I love having date nights while the kids sleep at my parents house but I miss them SO MUCH!

I'm all for the balance needed in our marrige and in our family - and it works for us, we both get time alone with both kids, each of the kids on our own, together as a family, just the two of us on bi-monthly date nights etc etc.

Today we went to an afternoon session of the movie 2012 and LOVED it - though having said that it was a little predictable! I took 20 rice crackers with me, all counted out in a freezer bag for 2 points and bought a diet coke - victory number! After the movie ended (we went to the 4.45pm session and didn't get out of the cinema until just after 7.30 - it was a long movie) we went to a local pub for dinner - I THOROUGHLY enjoyed the bake at home roll with a little package of REAL butter (that was my treat) and it went down well with the prawn stir fry I ordered! And I think possibly for the first time ever I DIDN'T go near the salad bar!

We often eat at this pub and I know they do a beautiful potato bake with lots of cream and bacon and I didn't want to put myself in a position where I might have caved into temptation - I simply saw the size of the stir fry, new I wouldn't get through it all anyway so opted not to visit the salad bar at all - victory number 2!

On top of my decision to go to McCafe last night and just have 2 skim coffees (no cake) i'm feeling exceptionally good about my choices lately and it's just another sign of me making a lifestyle change rather than being on a diet - I LOVE this feeling!

OMG ... I Missed A Day!

2009-11-20T22:59:00.002+10:30

Amazing how blogging really has become such a daily habit for me that I don't even know where i'm at with my 21 day plan - have to admit i'm enjoying updating more often but just wish I could read other blogs as often! Never mind the weekend is here and there'll be plenty of time to catch up.

I went out with a friend for a coffee tonight - we headed to McCafe and I thought i'd ask if they had any scones - they didn't, so guess what I ordered instead? A skinny hazelnut latte, followed by a skinny cappuccino - that's it! To say that I was pretty damn proud of myself was an understatement and as I said to my friend, i've really made the connection with the lifestyle change now. I wasn't hungry so why eat? As Sharon said at the dinner recently, if hunger's not the question then food's not the answer!

I haven't been on the treadmill for a couple of days now and i'm actually starting to miss it! I'll be getting back into a more regular routine over the weekend.

The kids are having a sleep over at my parents house tomorrow night and Michael and I are going to the cinema to see 2012 followed by dinner! Looking forward to the movie and going to a favourite restaurant of ours where I know there's an abundance of good choices on the menu - can't wait! Oh and only 4 weeks to go and i'm on holidays!

Have a great weekend everyone, I certainly intend to!

Crash and Burn!

2009-11-18T18:01:00.002+10:30

Well I guess it had to happen but these early starts are catching up with me (I mean early starts at the office, not on the treadmill). I've got some major deadlines to meet at work hence the reason i've been going to work so much earlier but thankfully the deadline is this Friday so I will do another early start tomorrow and with any luck will finish the workload by the end of the day to take the pressure off me on Friday.

But today i'm feeling completely drained and worn out - and I didn't even start early! I didn't sleep well last night, not really sure why but spent the afternoon on an emotional roller coaster ride as a result. So i'm being a smart girl and taking myself off to bed at 7.30pm when Mikayla goes to sleep.

But not before achieving another victory - thoughts of wok in a box entered my head on the way home because I "needed" to comfort eat! I managed to talk myself out of that decision and indulged in a 1.5 point lamington finger instead, which puts me on 23.5/24 points for the day - i'm VERY proud of that achievement given the way i'm feeling.

I'm starting to feel like I can REALLY do this! Night all ....

Worth The Effort!

2009-11-17T20:32:00.002+10:30

I've just returned home from my Weight Watchers meeting where I lost 1.4kgs!!! To say I was relieved was an understatement. Having gained 300 grams overall in the last 6 weeks it was time things started moving in the right direction and finally they have! So what i'm doing is working, I was so disheartened when I only lost 200 grams last week after so much exercise, tracking etc but I kept telling myself that it HAD to catch up on the scales and tonight it did.

So on that note, i'm determined to keep going just as I have this week! I got on the treadmill again this morning and it's really becoming a good habit. Thought I am planning to miss tomorrow morning for no other reason than to get a good nights sleep.

Overall i've now lost 8.6kgs - 400 grams more than my pre-surgery weight (which was the lowest weight I got to since joining in June) so i'm in virgin fat once again! I'm 800 grams away from being under 120kgs and 1.4kgs away from having lost 10kgs total - can anyone guess what my goals are for the next couple of weeks? ;-)

Thanks so much for all your support and comments - I love reading them!

Did Someone Say Exercise?

2009-11-16T21:49:00.001+10:30

Ok, well this is definitely a first! It was 28 degrees in Adelaide today (though i've since heard it went higher) so I was able to get out for my lunch time walk for the first time in over a week but I forgot about that when setting my alarm last night! So I set it for my treadmill workout, got up and did it and remembered when I was in the shower. So what did I do - I walked at lunch time as well! Not content with that I decided to make the most of the pleasant weather and headed out at 8pm tonight to take the dogs for a walk! All up 2.5 bonus points on the treadmill this morning and another 6 bonus points on my pedometer for the day and you know what - I'M LOVING IT! Now, I just hope the scales reward me well tomorrow night ... back then!

Only 5 Weeks To Go

2009-11-15T21:33:00.002+10:30

Until i'm on holidays! I love the end of year shut down at our company and this year is no exception, I finish on 18th December and don't go back to work until the 14th January - nearly a whole month off and I can't wait! Especially as we still have to pay for day care regardless of whether the kids go or not so we choose to keep them there so their routine is in tact and we can get stuff done around the house - they're usually only there a few hours anyway and when you take public holidays into consideration they only go 2-3 days a week! So there's a good balance of us time and family time.

Of course it's around about this time of the year that I start writing the list of all the jobs that need doing - and for some reason that list grows longer each year - everything from sorting out the filing, arranging photos on the computer, cleaning the pantry, tidying up kids rooms etc - don't even know where to begin! But it's all good, I get to start the New Year feeling like i'm on top of everything and that's a great feeling.

I'm very proud to say that the end of my first week challenge is now completed and I did VERY well - I avoided butter and margarine on bread because I chose to have no spreads, i.e. when I had toast for breakfast I had it with either sliced tomato, eggs or baked beans/spaghetti so that's a habit I will continue however now that i've done this I will occasionally have fruit toast as well which I will have light margarine on.

My second weeks challenge could well be the biggest one that I need to tackle but all the more reason I do it sooner rather than later! I remember years and years ago hearing people on weight loss journeys talk about the temptation of picking at their kids food, of course my thoughts were always, why not just throw it out? But you know it's not that easy - I had to track an extra fish finger for dinner last night because Lachie left it on his plate! That's a regular thing for me and while some might say it explains some of my smaller losses because it's food not tracked i've always thought it was well covered by me not eating exercise points - maybe i'm wrong! Either way it's the reason i'm challenging myself to not eat ANYTHING (regardless how small) that isn't planned and tracked! Which also includes my other downside - picking at food while cooking, I like to call it taste testing but no matter which way you describe it you inevitably end up eating more than a single serve!

I'm a little disappointed with the amount of exercise i've gotten done over the weekend but that's all about to change tomorrow - thankfully the weather is 28 degrees, so that means treadmill in the morning, a walk during my lunch break and think i'll take the dogs for a walk when I get home tomorrow night too!

So that's it for another weekend, why oh why do they have to fly by so quickly!!!

I'm Loving Life!

2009-11-14T22:28:00.002+10:30

I have my 7 year old niece staying the weekend with us because Lachie has been telling me regularly "mummy, I miss Hayley" - it's so cute and so sad at the same time! So I organised with my sister to take her to the Christmas pageant and spend the weekend with us - one downside to that is that the weather ended up being too hot to go to the pageant - Lachlan's and Mikayla's eczema flares up dramatically in hot weather so we keep them indoors as much as possible on days like this!

So we opted to take the kids to a play cafe instead and they had a great time! Then we did the shopping and came home and had a nap before Michael took all the kids to the toy room while I did the housework. We finished the day off by relaxing in the pool outside and having a BBQ for dinner - and I was very pleased with myself for ONLY eating fish fingers and salad - no burgers, sausages or bread passed these lips which is a big achievement for me!

It's been two days since i've been on the treadmill too so will look forward to getting on it again tomorrow at some stage! Just for those that have commented on my 4.30am starts - firstly, i'm only doing it 3-4 times a week, secondly, i'm an early riser, always have been so while it seems like a huge motivator it's quite easy for me and thirdly, if i'm getting up at 4.30am i'm usually asleep by 9pm the night before so i've still had a full nights sleep! It's amazing how good it feels to be exercising first thing in the morning. In fact so good that I think i'll still do it on Monday morning even though the weather is only 28 so I can resume my lunch time walks!

Will be interesting to see what the scales say on Tuesday night - i've clocked up a few exercise points but once again because that includes my pedometer reading i'm limiting how many of them I use. I am not intentionally eating any of them but if I go over points some days so be it - in fact I went over 2 of the first 3 days of this week! At least it balances out.

Tomorrow, we're going to swimming lessons and then getting the kids their weekly treat of McDonalds for lunch (we have Subway), then my sister is coming to pick Hayley up and we will have a relaxing afternoon at home - lots of clothes to fold and ironing to do and i'll catch up on some more blogs and get ready for the week ahead! I love lazy Sundays at home!

500 Posts - Woohoo!

2009-11-13T21:46:00.002+10:30

I just logged in to do an update and noticed that I've only posted a measley 500 times, i'd almost be tempted to go back in history and start reading, except for the fear of not having achieved much in regards to actual kilos lost ... but it doesn't matter what happened yesterday, only today and tomorrow!

I've had a good day today although gone a little over my points, but isn't that what SOME of the exercise points are for? Oh and speaking of exercise points, I didn't go too well on that front today, my alarm went off at 4.30am this morning and have to admit I got out of bed, walked into the lounge and even started getting dressed before going back to bed and resetting the alarm! I just didn't feel up to it and given that i've felt a little sluggish today i'm guessing it could be a combination of the heat and donating blood last night?

Never mind - we all deserve a rest day occasionally! I'll be on the treadmill tomorrow and at the gym on Sunday to make up for it and if I can get some coolish nights soon i'd like to start taking the dogs for some walks again!

We blew up the inflatable pool tonight, can't wait to jump in it with the kids late tomorrow afternoon - so much so i've already told Michael we're having a BBQ for dinner. I'm going to make a nice big tossed salad and he can grill me some fish fingers - i'm getting hungry just thinking about it. Watch me curb the temptation to eat sausages & bread, i'm determined to give myself the best chance at a good loss on Tuesday night!

I'm feeling a little lost about a friend of mine at the moment - she wants to lose weight and asks my advice and I can see she's making all the mistakes i've made for so many years but I can't seem to get through to her. She has the all or nothing mentality (one minute she's eating salt and vinegar chips and drinking iced coffee and then she's snacking on fruits and vegetables and barely eating 15 points worth of food in a day). I've told her she needs to find a happy balance between the two and allow herself some indulgences on occasion to avoid bingeing and she agrees. She lost 2kgs in the first week, 1kg in the second week and then had a gain in the 3rd week so gave up! It's like history is repeating itself (but with me) and i've come through the other side now and can see how important it is to make this journey a lifestyle change that's sustainable no matter what - how do I get that through to someone else?

Quick Entry

2009-11-12T21:50:00.002+10:30

Just because I can't break my cycle of updating daily ;-) It's been a busy (and long) day - started at 4.30am with another half hour on the treadmill before a 6.30am start at the office and then I had an appointment tonight to donate blood for the first time! Now it's 10pm and i'm wondering where the day went? Only 6 1/2 hours until the alarm goes off and i'm back on the treadmill again - thankfully it's the weekend soon, although that might be a bit crazy too as I have my 7 year old niece staying - at least she'll keep Lachie out of trouble!

I'm feeling good about things, i'm loving my new lifestyle and finally starting to realise that I have clicked into the healthy lifestyle mentality as opposed to the diet mentality and it's a fabulous feeling! Although I was a little shocked tonight to discover the tiny piece of cheese I ate after donating blood was 3.5 points! Don't think i'll be touching full fat cheese again in a hurry!

Ok enough from me, i'm outta here, back again tomorrow night.

Did Someone Say Heat Wave?

2009-11-11T20:25:00.003+10:30

Ok i'm sitting in bed with my laptop feeling quite comfortable, the air conditioner is going, I braved the heat to take the kids to the shop today and i'm pondering this heatwave - I swear it's not as bad as last year's heatwaves! I'm thinking maybe i'm coping better already? Sounds strange seeing as i'm less than 10kgs lighter than I was this time last year, maybe it's an attitude thing? But anyway, just the thought of consecutive days in the high 30's would usually set me in a spin but for some reason i'm "ALMOST" enjoying it!

Just want to clarify a point that's been made to me by a couple of people now in regards to my exercise points. I'm managing to earn quite a few at the moment and while the WW plan says I "should" be eating a certain amount I have to admit i'm not comfortable with that for one main reason. My exercise points come from two different sources - planned exercise, i.e. treadmill or gym and incidental exercise, by wearing my pedometer! According to my weight and exercise times I get 2.5 points for a 30 minute workout on the treadmill at a incline of 6 and I get 1.5 points for 20 minutes on the bike at the gym and 1.5 points for 20 minutes on the treadmill there (I don't worry about counting the weights).

I wear my pedometer all day every day EXCEPT for when i'm doing the exercises above to avoid counting the points twice. But if I wasn't wearing my pedometer i'd only be tracking planned exercise not incidental and therefore my exercise points wouldn't be as high so I have trouble justifying eating the extra points when without the pedometer I wouldn't be aware of them. Does that make sense? The logical thing to do would be to stop wearing the pedometer but I don't want to do that as it does make me conscious of how many steps i'm doing and it urges me on to do more activity (hence the walks around air conditioned shopping centres on hot days).

I guess as long as i'm losing i'm happy! I would have liked a bigger loss last night but there's always next week and the week after, the point is i've turned a corner - i'm enjoying healthy food again, eating lots of salads, summer fruits etc and I know that it's good for me and i'm enjoying it so in the long run it doesn't really matter what the scales say! Being able to say that proves to me how different my mind set is this time, i'm in the right place to do this regardless of how long it takes.

Very Proud Of Myself!

2009-11-10T21:04:00.002+10:30

I went to weigh in tonight and lost a grand total of 200 grams! I'd like to say I wasn't disappointed but have to admit I was, at least a little, but i'm very proud of the way i've handled it and moved on from it. It's crunch time! Quite simply put i've lost 400, 300, 100, gained 1.3, stayed the same and lost 200 grams in the last 6 weeks - add it up and it means in 6 weeks i've actually gained 300 grams overall so I KNOW i'm due for a good loss soon.

I did think it would be coming tonight and i've reached that point where I look back on my week and know that there isn't anything I could have done better - i've been drinking heaps of water, tracking my points and earnt 20.5 exercise points and ate 1.5 of them! Perhaps there's something in that, maybe I should have eaten more but i've never done it before so don't see why it would make a difference this time around.

I think the knowledge that i'm doing it all right and more importantly i'm enjoying it is enough to keep me focussed and get me through another week until the scales and I meet once again! My attitude is simple - if there's something I can improve on do it - if I think i'm doing well then stick to it, the scales have got to catch up eventually!

And yes, I got on the treadmill at 4.30am again this morning :-) For those of you thinking i'm completely crazy i've always been an early morning person and when my alarm is set for 4.30 i'm usually in bed by 9 or 9.30pm at the latest the night before so i've still had a reasonable nights sleep first! I love the feeling of exercising in the morning and think i'll make it a regular habit from now on - it will take the place of my lunch time walks! But having said that I won't be walking tomorrow, I have my first Wednesday off in a month and i'm looking forward to a sleep in (Michael doesn't have to leave until 8.15am) and then a day at home with my kids! Once Michael gets home from work i'll be heading to the gym to get my daily exercise in. I'm loving it, and as to my weekly challenge - I've had NO butter or margarine in the last two days at all - i've thoroughly enjoyed my breakfasts of multi-grain toast with tinned spaghetti - now to think of a creative non-margarine breakfast for tomorrow!

Who Is This Person?

2009-11-09T20:23:00.002+10:30

I had one of those sleepless nights last night where you toss and turn and have plenty of time to think! And of course, just for something different (not) my thoughts turned to weight loss and wow, did it have an impact on me.

The more I think about it the more I think how lucky I am - I have some incredible support around me, all the knowledge i need, all the incentive in the world and there's nothing I love more than a challenge.

With all that mind if by chance I do not get down to 115kgs by the end of the year I will be able to say it wasn't through lack of trying! So I decided today was the first day and oh my what a day i've had, full of non-scale victories, incidental exercise, healthy eating and copious amounts of water - all while working a 10 hour day, spending good quality time with my kids, getting some tidying up done and having some down time - even I didn't think it was possible.

My alarm went off at 4.20am and I was on the treadmill soon after, I burnt nearly 200 calories and earnt 2.5 bonus points before 5am this morning! I got to work around 6.15am and enjoyed a nice piece of multigrain toast with half a tin of spaghetti in tomato sauce! Had a beautiful ham and egg salad for lunch with my rice crackers, yoghurt and apple as a snack and then came home to a home made ham and salad roll!

I wasn't intending to take a lunch break today but decided to after all and impressed myself with my decision - I needed to grab a couple of things from the supermarket so decided to drive to Marion and get this - I parked on the street opposite the food court and needed to go to Woolworths, anyone who knows Marion Shopping Centre knows how big it is and knows I couldn't park further away from the supermarket - nothing like increasing your incidental exercise, especially when it means walking in air conditioned comfort.

I got home and had 45 minutes before Michael and the kids got home so I used that time to clean the house and put all the washing and ironing away - I had about 10 piles of clothes for each of the kids - and I put them away ONE PILE AT A TIME - they were in the far end of the lounge room and dining room - the complete opposite end of the house from the kids bedrooms - so again lots of incidental exercise and when I finally took my pedometer off I clocked up another 2 bonus points there! Suffice to say i'm pretty pleased with my efforts today, so much so that i'm setting my alarm for 4.30am tomorrow for another workout - on a gym day!!! Who would have thought? Can't wait to jump on those scales tomorrow night, i'm hoping for a good result.

Taking Back Control

2009-11-08T10:47:00.003+10:30

You know that when I do an entry with a title like this that i've been doing a lot of thinking! It's never a bad thing, because when I get onto these types of thought processes it's all about self development and making myself the best me that I can be!

But yes i've been thinking again - i've been thinking about the person I am, the excuses i've made in life, the amount of times i've hid behind my weight, blamed my weight or hated myself because of my weight and as much as any of us know that this is so much about the head journey (not just the food and exercise) it really is only in our control.

At the Weight Watchers dinner last night I was telling Sharon about what a profound affect her saying "If you almost follow the plan, you'll almost lose weight" had on me and she gave responded by telling me another one! "If hunger's not the problem, then food isn't the answer" - how true are those words of wisdom??? I so admire her journey and what she's achieved and I choose to follow in her footsteps by making a huge transformation in my life.

I mean i've spent many years feeling intimidated by others for fear that they'll judge me by my weight when the truth lies in the fact that no one has ever judged me as harshly as I judge myself, and no one probably ever will. So I can choose to go on a self defeating yo-yoing journey or I can take back control and MAKE it happen!

It's not going to happen overnight but I want to look for the positives in all that I do to make me a better person. I know that my self confidence issues won't vanish with the weight but on journeys as big as this we need to take one step at a time. It will happen if I choose to make it happen and there isn't really a choice now is there? I love my life, i'm very blessed to have all that I have in it and as i've said before the only thing holding me back is something that's completely in my control - that's a good situation to be in and i'm going to embrace it.

"OPERATION 115" starts today! Each week i'm going to identify a new area that I feel needs to be addressed to give me a new focus on a healthy lifestyle all with a vision of getting to 115kgs (hopefully in 2009) - if I don't achieve that goal it won't be because of lack of effort and I already know what my first objective is - i'm ridding my diet of unnecessary margarine - I don't need it, it's wasted points (and fat) and it WILL make me look for more variety in my breakfast options.

Motivation Galore

2009-11-07T23:05:00.001+10:30

I love being a part of Weight Watchers threads, forums, meetings etc ... the motivation is always found in such huge quantities and i've just come home from a dinner out with 6 girls who are all on the program - I really enjoyed the night and it made me think of all the people i've met along the way, all in various stages of their journeys.

Kazz always gets me thinking about one thing or another and at the moment she's got me thinking about Personal Training (I never thought i'd see that happening ... lol) and you know what, it's definitely something that I will look at down the track. I've made the commitment to my current gym for 12 months but after that I think i'll reconsider joining Fernwood as i'd feel more comfortable there with the personal training and classes but it's definitely on the cards.

I've eaten well today and stayed within my points - I had a lovely chicken cacciatore for dinner with steamed rice and greens and a slice of bruschetta and as I write this i'm thinking of a good night's sleep and a good workout at the gym tomorrow - and believe it or not i'm actually looking forward to it!!! All going according to plan i'll be celebrating a decent loss on Tuesday night, just watch this space ...

The Weekend Has Arrived!

2009-11-06T21:42:00.002+10:30

And not a moment too soon, it's been a VERY long week! I managed to clock up another 4 bonus points on my pedometer today, and am pretty pleased with that effort. Tomorrow afternoon i'll take the dogs out for a walk and then on Sunday morning i'm off to the gym again so I will get in some exercise over the weekend too! Thankfully there's only 6 more weeks before I go on Christmas holidays - I can't wait, especially as i'm catching up with a group of friends I went to high school with who I haven't seen in over 20 years - gotta love Facebook!

I'm catching up with a friend tomorrow morning for a play date, then home to have a relaxing afternoon before going out for dinner with the WW girls tomorrow night. Sunday morning we have swimming lessons for the kids followed by my visit to the gym and then out to do some shopping later in the afternoon and before you know we'll be back to Monday again :-( But at least this week I have Wednesday off!

Time for me to relax in bed with my skinny cappuccino - old habits die hard!

Self Motivation

2009-11-05T20:30:00.002+10:30

I've had one of those days where i've felt tired ALL day! My alarm went off at 4.30am and I was in the office working just after 6am! Crazy I know but it's what i've got to do at present to keep up with my workload (thankfully there are only 6 weeks left and then i'm on leave for nearly a month). So Helen not being at work today would have given me the perfect excuse not to go walking at lunch time right?

WRONG! I did contemplate it thinking that she wasn't here to "motivate" me and then i started thinking it's good to have company while i'm walking but the only person that's responsible for motivating me is ME! So if I chose not to walk I couldn't blame it on Helen not being at work, I could only blame myself for using such a week excuse.

So with that thought in mind, I dressed for my walk, headed out the door and walked the hour long route to Subway where I bought my lunch - i'm ADDICTED to ham subs at the moment, can't seem to get another of them with lots of salads. And it felt good to make the right decision for the day!

Now if only I could get through the next day and the weekend would arrive at last i'd be a very happy girl - amazing how slowly the week goes sometimes!

Falling In A Screaming Heap!

2009-11-04T19:52:00.002+10:30

I left work early today feeling COMPLETELY EXHAUSTED and run down, not surprisingly really given the early starts i've been doing. But I did the right thing, listened to my body, came home and rested and now i'm sitting in bed at 8pm about to turn the light off to get a good nights sleep - I feel blessed to have a supportive husband who has taken care of the kids tonight so I can get some much needed rest.

On the food front things went really well today including the return of an old favourite for breakfast that I haven't had for years - toasted english muffin with baked beans - very filling for only 4.5 points! My exercise didn't go quite as well as I didn't get to the gym today although I did do a decent walk during my lunch break and clocked up some bonus points on my pedometer.

I have another early start tomorrow so will rest up tomorrow night as I have mountains of washing to fold and ironing to do and I think i'll follow that up by having some time online to catch up on blogs - but i'll be back at the gym Friday night and i'm already counting down the 6 weeks and 2 days I have left until my holidays - 3 1/2 weeks off and i'm setting myself a challenge to exercise as often as possible, I intend to make the time off count!

Back tomorrow ...

A Clean Slate

2009-11-03T21:02:00.003+10:30

Firstly - i'm patting myself on the back today, I didn't do as well as I wanted to but I did take 90% of the skin off the 2 drumsticks I ate, stuck to just tossed salad, rice salad, fruit salad and a couple of small pieces of bread, ate 1 low fat muffin but I did have a couple of small pieces of pepperoni and a small slice of cheese - given the temptations on offer i'm choosing to still pat myself on the back for what I think was an awesome effort.

I jumped on the scales tonight to a result of 122.3kgs - that's right - I stayed the same! I'm a little stunned, I thought my motivated level of exercise would have seen me have a loss, even a small one would have been ok but it is TTOM so I probably should be grateful I didn't gain. I've moved on and while talking to the girls tonight I realised my results for the last week were as follow 1) -.4, 2) -.1, 3) -.3, 4) +1.3 and 5) no change - well that's a grand total of 500 grams GAINED over the last 5 weeks! A little annoying hence the clean slate!

I fully intend to treat the next week as my FIRST week on the program - i'm not eating the frustrations of the last 5 weeks results because it's something I choose not to do anymore! I'm moving on and looking forward to seeing those scales going down next week!

Oh and Michael jumped on wii fit tonight while I was at my meeting and discovered he is 'OBESE' - that gave him a bit of a shock - hopefully enough that he'll realise the need to do a little bit more about his weight and join me on this journey, will be so much easy when we're doing it together.

Another Day on Track!

2009-11-02T20:54:00.002+10:30

LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this feeling!!! I set my alarm for 4.30am this morning and was on the treadmill within 5 minutes of it going off, I set the incline and speed on 5 and away I went for a good workout and it felt exhilarating!

I'm determined that I will have 1 day off exercise a week and that will generally be a Saturday! On the days that I don't go to the gym i'll walk during my lunch break and when the weather doesn't co-operate for that I set my alarm for half an hour earlier than normal and hit the treadmill, and it felt good to have this plan and place and STICK WITH IT! There would have been so many times in the past when I made a plan like this and hit snooze but this morning that simply wasn't an option.

I was in the office working at 6.35am!!! I am working full time hours until the end of the year - it's a daunting task but instead of paying for additional day care on my Wednesday off i'm still taking it and making up that 7.5 hours a fortnight by doing earlier starts on day care days when Michael can take the kids to day care. That way I get the best of both worlds - no falling behind in my work and getting the extra money without having to give up my 1 day a fortnight that I get to spend alone with the kids.

Tomorrow will be challenging - it's Melbourne Cup in the office and once again i'm in charge of the catering and have already planned my food for the day and set myself a challenge! One of my biggest challenges that I need to overcome is incessant picking while preparing food, I do it ALL THE TIME and i'm very conscious of the need to stop it. So I figured with weigh in looming tomorrow night, tomorrow was as good a time as any to start.

On the menu - well we're serving nibbles at 11am (to tie everyone over to the 2pm lunch so we're eating while the race is on) - that consists of chips, shapes, jatz, cheese, dip, kabana & pepperoni! Lunch is hot chicken, chips, potato salad, coleslaw, tossed salad, curried rice salad, pasta salad and fruit salad with buttered french sticks and dessert is chocolate mudcake and strawberry cheesecake!

But the advantage of preparing the food is that I do the shopping and as I write this I have a dozen 97% fat free muffins cooling in the kitchen that I cooked up tonight so that I didn't miss out on dessert! My lunch? Well that's easy - i'm having a piece of skinless chicken with lots of tossed salad and a small amount of fruit and rice salad and a piece of buttered french stick.

I intend to ignore the nibbles opting instead to take my diet yoghurt, apple and rice crackers and I hereby pledge (with my hand on my heart) THAT I WILL NOT EAT ANYTHING ELSE AT ALL DURING THIS SOCIAL FUNCTION!!! I carry you all on my shoulders and will remember this tomorrow, even when i'm cutting up the meats, cheeses etc I will win this battle and go into my meeting tomorrow night knowing that i've just fought one of my biggest weight loss demons and WON! Will be back tomorrow night with all the news of the day!

Jill - thank you so much for taking the time to comment on my blog recently, I have added your blog to my favourites and will get around to reading a bit in the next couple of nights!

End of Another Weekend!

2009-11-01T20:47:00.002+10:30

Amazing how they seem to go so quickly!!! We've had a fabulous weekend and I have to say for the first time in a VERY long time i've finished the weekend with points to spare! I usually spend Monday and Tuesday playing catch up on my points because of the over-indulging that i've done! So that's a good feeling to start with. It's great to be tracking again, there's no second guessing the food you ate when it's all written down!

I also did my first full workout at the gym this morning and LOVED it! Even managed to push myself past the 15 minute sessions on the treadmill and bike as per my program and did 20 minutes on each! I actually did a lot of thinking of what I wanted from the gym etc at this point and have decided to abolish the program. I want it to be enjoyable to ensure I stick with the gym and for it to be enjoyable I have to be doing what I like and not forcing myself to use equipment I don't like. So I'm going to spend 20 minutes on the treadmill, 20 minutes on the weight machines and 20 minutes on the bike with a view to building all 3 up to 30 minute each. And I'm just going to stick to 3 visits a week at this stage - Tuesday nights, Thursday nights and Sunday mornings!

I decided that on days that I don't go to the gym I want to be doing some walking so if it's too hot to walk during my lunch break (like it will be tomorrow) I set my alarm earlier and jump on the treadmill for half an hour before going to work! I love the feeling the exercise gives me and I want to keep enjoying it. As to my day off each fortnight - one of the appeals of this gym was to put the kids in creche but i've decided that why would I want to do that when it means being away from them? I think i'd rather walk the 30 minutes to the shops and back - pushing an 11kg baby and 14kg toddler in a twin stroller can be quite a workout in itself, especially when you do it for 2 hours in total!

Ok so that's the plan - always subject ot change but i'm doing what I have to to fit it in my lifestyle! I have the most divine lunch tomorrow - i'm having my healthy version of a caesar salad - lettuce, tomato, cucumber, grated carrot, lean ham, egg with caesar dressing - YUM!

Looking forward to weigh in on Tuesday night, those scales better be good to me but am a little concerned because TTOM has arrived! Will just have to wait and see what happens, i've lost before at this time of the month and hopefully I will again.

Avoiding Temptation!

2009-10-31T22:18:00.002+10:30

I'm pleased to say that there's a loaf of white bread sitting on my breakfast bar COMPLETELY UNTOUCHED - and I got home from shopping more than 8 hours ago!!! We all have that one food that is our weakness and downfall and mine is (and always has been) fresh white bread with butter - for that I reason I NEVER keep butter in the house, but unfortunately margarine is a close second so i've learnt to not keep white bread in the house either so usually we just have multigrain!

The one and only downside to Lachlan clearing his wheat allergy is now I need to buy white bread, especially as we're planning to have a BBQ dinner and splash in the pool tomorrow night - can't imagine sausages or fish fingers in anything other than white bread! So it's quite a big thing for me to avoid the temptation of not eating any and i'm very proud of myself. After tomorrow night i'll put it in the freezer and hopefully it will be a case of out of mind out of sight!

I didn't exercise today, but i'm not overly concerned, it was the second day this week that I haven't exercise and that's my limit! I set myself a goal to TRY to exercise every day but if that didn't pan out I at least wanted to exercise 5 days! It just means I have to exercise the next 3 days and seeing as i'm going to the gym tomorrow morning, walking at lunch time on Monday and going to the gym on Tuesday i've got it covered!

I'm loving the feeling of being in control, i'm loving the tracking, blogging and everything that goes with this! I even went to Sam's house this morning for a play date and went armed with a package of Tina wafers for the kids and a package of WW raspberry tartlet biscuits for us - and I only ate 2 of them! Then on the way home Lachie and I did the grocery shopping, he wanted an icecream so there I was at the McDonalds counter with 2 x 50 cent pieces in my hand and as I was served I found myself asking for 1 soft serve icecream - suddenly I realised a soft serve cone just wasn't worth the 4 points - I then walked over and ordered myself a skinny cappuccino and drank that while lachie enjoyed his icecream.

Just wish I could bottle this feeling and bring it out whenever needed! It will happen, will just take time.

115kgs ... Here I Come!

2009-10-30T20:14:00.002+10:30

I really think having an actual figure to aim for has really adjusted my attitude in the last couple of days and kept me on the straight and narrow! I'm under my points for the second day in a row which is a good thing (I don't subscribe to the theory of needing to eat all my points) - my belief is that if I have eaten 3 meals, 2-3 snacks and am not hungry i've done well regardless of whether i'm on track with my points or under them!

Have to admit that I didn't walk today though, I ended up working right through lunch and as I wasn't feeling the greatest last night I think perhaps the heat from yesterdays walk affected me more than I thought! Never mind, i've now decided I won't walk at lunch times if it's above 30 degrees, that might be a little more realistic than 35 degrees.

I'm out with a friend tomorrow, taking the dogs for a walk tomorrow night and plan to get on the treadmill as well and then on Sunday i'll take the dogs for another walk and go to the gym so my exercise is all planned for the weekend! Think I might even crank up the air conditioner in the lounge on Sunday afternoon and do something on the wii - it's been a while!

I'm looking forward to weigh in on Tuesday night - and looking forward to catching up on all the news of my favourite bloggers over the weekend too :-) And in case anyone doesn't know - there's only 8 weeks left until Christmas day and I can't wait!

32 Degrees - And I Walked!!!

2009-10-29T20:09:00.002+10:30

Feeling pretty chuffed about that little effort right about now! Still can't quite believe I did it, but I made a committment to myself that I need to walk unless it's really too hot and to be honest, I didn't think 32 degrees was too hot (thought my body would have disagreed by the time I got back to the office).

It's an amazing feeling the buzz that exercise can give you and it's a feeling I really want to embrace and never let go off! I also drank 4 x 600ml bottles of water and came in at 20 points for the day and my end of day result on my pedometer was a massive bonus of 4.5 points earnt - nearly 12,000 steps - so all in all a successful day and i'm really focussing on that realistic possibility of being 115kgs by my last weigh in for 2009.

Works still crazy - I haven't been sleeping at night (not really sure why) so i've been starting work early to get on top of things and doing it on limited sleep - hence the reason why it's 8.12pm and i'm typing this in bed, i'm about to go to sleep! I have been missing blogs like crazy but plan to catch up on the weekend, or better yet tomorrow night, Michael's taking Lachie out for dinner for his dad's birthday and i'm home alone with Mikayla! So once the cheeky monkey goes to bed I hope to start reading away.

All in all a successful day, it's amazing how quickly the tables can turn when the attitude is right!

Day 1

2009-10-28T20:34:00.002+10:30

OMG - what a day! Work is crazy, but exciting! I LOVE my job and so many things are happening all at once it's no wonder my weight loss focus has slipped by the wayside. But it's all good, I just need to focus on juggling all the balls in the air but that will happen in time.

I'm exhausted, I don't even feel like logging into Facebook tonight (now that must be a first) but I couldn't curl up in bed and watch TV before going to sleep without first doing a quick update so here I am!

I have another early start in the office tomorrow and will focus once again on quality time with my kids tomorrow night, roll on the weekend! And yes it's confirmed, I am working full time hours until the end of the year but thankfully I can work the extra day from home spread out over the fortnight so I still get that valuable day off with my kids!

Onto day 2 - another day full of good foods, exercise, water, tracking and blogging! Oh and i've set myself a challenge, I want to end 2009 at 115kgs to do that I need to lose 7.3kgs in 9 weeks - definitely achievable! And I intend to be double digits by my birthday on June 17th next year - which will give me a loss of around 30kgs in a year of weight watchers! I think i've been missing those focussed goals and it's time to add them into the mix.

Bring on day 2 - I can't wait!

21 Days ...

2009-10-27T21:09:00.003+10:30

I'm on a mission! I'm determined to succeed because i'm worth the effort! For the next 21 days I commit to do the following EVERY day:

Track all my food
Stick within my points
Exercise
Drink a minimum of 2 litres of water
Update my blog

I figure it takes 21 days to develop new habits and i've reached a crossroads in this journey! I'm at a point where usually I become complacent and it all falls by the wayside but that's not even an option this time around, what matters now, what REALLY matters now is what decision I make next, and that decision was easy! I'm giving it everything i've got ... but ONLY for 21 days! At the end of that time, i'll do it for just ONE more day, then just ONE more etc etc ... you get the hint! Small goals to focus on and the results will add up.

I've reached a slump and I know it, i'm not about to hide behind any excuses, the fact remains i'm juggling a lot of balls in the air at the moment and when that happens it's inevitable that one slips, sadly for me that's always the weight loss ball!

I'm not making excuses but at present i'm working full time hours (could be until Christmas), my job has also changed a bit to become more demanding so things will get more hectic and i'm coping as best I can with the reoccurrence of PND - that's tough enough but spending 2 hours a day travelling to work while doing my best to organise a house, visit the gym regularly and raise a baby and toddler has been taking it's toll! But it's my life and I LOVE it!

Things are going to change, they need to change and change they will ... for the next 21 days and beyond!

Oh, and I gained 1.3kgs tonight with TTOM arriving yesterday!

Picking Up The Pieces!

2009-10-18T20:36:00.002+10:30

I want to start this entry by saying a HUGE thankyou to a very special person that i've met through this journey! It's a rare thing to find someone who understands what you think, knows the struggles you can face on a daily basis and is someone that you can rely on for advice in a number of different areas (PND, weight loss, parenting) and yet be someone that you've known for such a short time and never met in person - Kathie is just that kind of person! Thank you Kathie for all your support and encouragement through my blog, facebook and emails - it means so much to me!!!

So today I started my PND meds again - and while I know they don't take affect on the first day I think it's a mind over matter thing because I definitely feel better already and that's a good feeling in itself. I wish I knew what the triggers were that cause me to overeat when I suffer through the symptoms - after all there's no satisfaction in eating bad foods and yet I, like so many others, seem to struggle to keep away from them. But having said that i'm very proud of myself for having a good day today and making healthy food choices especially as I went to a cafe for lunch and to a friends house for dinner!

I've been doing some thinking and am working hard to accept myself on medication for depression. I do believe I came off it too early and that's left me with the symptoms returning so i'm resigning myself to accepting being on them a little longer this time around until I know i'm ready, not because I want to stop taking medication - at the end of the day it's just not worth it. That's a huge struggle for me as I hate taking Panadol!

It's important to me to tick all the boxes, cross all T's and dot all the I's - as I said to Kathie in an email recently it's very hard to deal with the affects of PND when you're a perfectionist - the two don't mix very well! So i'm putting more structure and discipline into my life so that I can have my house in order, deal with my PND, enjoy my family, have some down time for myself and still lose weight - it's a big list but one i'm confident of doing!

I've decided i'm going to go to the gym twice a week and twice on the weekends - 4 times with a young family is just going to have to be my limit although the weeks that I have Wednesday off I will try to squeeze in a 5th visit while putting the kids in creche there! In the meantime I can still walk at lunch time, use the wii or the treadmill at home or take the dogs for a walk to increase my exercise between visits! I've also decided that although it will be a busy day I will go to the gym on Tuesday nights (straight after Weight Watchers) because it means there is one less night that i'm away from my family and as the kids are usually asleep when I get home from meetings anyway this will help with our routine.

I'm taking one step at a time, learning to love my exercise, enjoying the support and motivation of some fabulous women around me and doing whatever it takes to be a person that I can be proud of ... I will get there!

Back to Basics

2009-10-16T23:24:00.002+10:30

So what is it about us women that think we can do it all? All those working mums out there will know what I mean when I say that we have unreasonable expectations of ourselves and working mum or not I know several people will understand what i'm going through when I mention my recent (unpublished) struggles!

You see, like so many people I know i've had a reoccurrence of my depression! I'm not sure what i've written about in here of late but I went back to my doctor about 3 weeks ago and told him I felt like I was completely back in control again and wanted to come off the medication. He weaned me off slowly with the last tablet being about 10 days ago and slowly in the last week or so i've noticed little indications that are making me think i'm not coping, but today, on my wedding anniversary of all days, I had the biggest indication which made me realise I don't think I am ready to tackle the world on my own and it's bloody hard to admit to myself that I was only coping because of the medication. Is that normal?

I didn't get to the gym today, I had an appointment with a personal trainer at 4.30pm to set up a weights program for me, had to get the kids to my parents by 2.30pm and it all became too much with these deadlines that I ended up walking through the shops in tears because I couldn't cope with the pressure! I knew right then and there that I had to do something. I rang Michael, asked him to reschedule my gym appointment and just took some me time to destress. It worked a treat, I came home a little more relaxed and calmer and enjoyed the rest of the day and night with my husband. We talked and agreed that I needed to go back on the medication. I do still have a trial pack of 7 tablets so will resume the medication tomorrow and will go back to my doctor on either Monday or Tuesday for a new script.

It's a tough road that i'm not prepared to travel again but somehow I think a life on anti-depressants isn't exactly an easy road either! But my family has to come first and I know that the cracks are showing of late and I want to get it under control sooner rather than later.

On a happier note, today is our 5th wedding anniversary and we've had a lovely day (PND issues aside). We took the kids to a new play cafe this morning to have some quality family time before taking them to my parents for a sleep over. We were meant to go out for dinner tonight but opted for a night at home instead - we got chinese takeaway and ate far too much of course (I wonder if i'll ever learn that I can celebrate a special occasion without high point foods) and as I write this i'm still feeling really full.

But we did our traditional celebration - we were given personalised champagne glasses for our wedding with our names and wedding date hand painted in the colours of our wedding theme. Every year on our anniversary we take them out and share a bottle of wine - tonight it was over a candle lit dinner (that neither of us had to cook) with flowers and the 6 songs playing in the background that was our wedding music - it was just lovely! Afterwards we watched a movie together which is a rare occasion and coincidentally we watched the movie Click for the first time and it served as a lesson to both of us of how important family is!

So my weights session at the gym has been rescheduled to 10am next Saturday and in the meantime i'll be there getting used to the cardio all over again - I feel good about the new membership and am confident it will play a part in taking my weight loss (and depression) to the next level.

A Walk Down Memory Lane

2009-10-15T23:21:00.002+10:30

I'm having one of those nostalgic days today! Part of me is excited and thrilled to have joined the gym, I had a good workout today and another appointment planned for tomorrow so that I can have a weights program designed with a personal trainer.

But tomorrow is also my 5th wedding anniversary! It's a time that should be filled with happiness and it is, my gorgeous children are going to spend the night with their grandparents and Michael and I (after much debating) have decided to spend the night at home! We came to the conclusion that going out for dinner is more about what we feel we should do rather than what we wanted to do so we decided to have a nice WW friendly dinner at home and play a few games on the wii, watch a movie, just basically spend some good quality time together - something we don't get very often with a toddler and baby!

But I can't help but be reminded about where I was 5 years ago today! The way I felt about myself, the confidence I had and the feeling that I could do anything I set my mind too - it's amazing what losing so much weight can do for you! I embarked on this journey at 138.1kgs and weighed in 1 week before my wedding at 100.5kgs - I was so disappointed that I didn't make it to double digits and even now 5 years later I wonder if I would have continued with WW after the honeymoon had I got to that magical 99.9kgs!

And yet I don't know why i'm beating myself up over past mistakes this year more than any other year, this thought process hasn't even raised it's head before so I don't know if i'm reliving that mistake (to not go back to WW after my honeymoon) because weight loss is a priority in my life once again or whether i'm reliving it because it's half way to that magic milestone!

You see I accepted getting married as a size 20 but that acceptance led to complacency, I mean who wouldn't feel good at a size 20 when for so many years size 26 was too small. Michael made a promise to me back then that meant the world to me, on our 10th wedding anniversary we would renew our vows and I would not only get to have our kids in our wedding party but I would also get to wear the dress of my dreams, photos the works. And I feel like i've reached the crossroad between that point in my future and that stage in my past where I realised I could do it!

So yeah I can reflect back on the mistakes of the last 5 years and beat myself up about it, after all I went from 138.1, down to 100.5 and now sit at 121 ... or I can use those mistakes as a learning tool to ensure the next 5 years are VERY different, i'm choosing the latter and that's what my photo post will be about this weekend, the first step in an exciting journey ahead. I'm looking forward to writing it, and to sharing it.

Another Loss

2009-10-13T22:43:00.003+10:30

Went to my weigh in tonight and lost another 400 grams - I thought it might have been a bit higher than that but i'm not phased in the slightest as i'm achieving so many non scale victories at present - clothes getting loser, loving exercise (including walking in the rain yesterday), starting the gym on Thursday etc.

Unfortunately I didn't get to stay for my meeting tonight, I think Mikayla is teething again and was a little clingy when I left, the last thing I heard when I shut the front door was the sound of her crying and I just wanted to get back home and give her cuddles - sometimes there are things more important than staying for the meeting, this was one of those times!

I'm very excited about Thursday afternoon (my first day at the gym) and i'm looking forward to having my program set up. I intend to go every Monday and Thursday night after the kids go to bed and every Saturday and Sunday morning as well as every second Wednesday when I have my day off (the kids will go into the creche there), so that's 9 workouts a fortnight and I can fit that in without losing any quality of time with the kids.

Had a performance review at work today and got more "E's" than anything else (E stands for exceeds expectations), there will be some changes to my job in January and from the way the General Manager spoke today i'm pretty sure it will come with a decent payrise too :-)

We're loving experimenting with new foods in this house now that Lachlan has cleared his wheat allergy - it's a fabulous feeling but we're having to get the balance right too! I mean when a little boy goes 3 1/2 years without eating a "normal" tasting biscuit he can be prone to wanting to go a little overboard with something as simple as wafer biscuits! I've decided to draw up a chart for the fridge with pictures of "everyday" foods (i.e. fresh fruit, rice crackers, yoghurt etc) and "sometimes" foods (biscuits, chocolates, cake etc). I'm thinking we might teach him that to get the sometimes foods he needs to eat all his meals (or at least attempt to - after all he is only 3 and therefore fussy with food) and have some everyday snacks first.

Can you tell i'm turning into a food nazi when it comes to my kids? I guess that's what comes with the fact that i'm determined not to have them go through what i've been through in my life!

Ok, enough rambling from me! There's a very big post coming in the next few days, i've been giving a lot of thought to the symbolic nature of this time of the year! I have the next 5 days off to celebrate our wedding anniversary, we've been married for 5 years this Friday! And when I review my weight loss journey on the whole it comes down to this - I lost nearly 38kgs for my wedding, sadly that was my focus so when the wedding was over so was the weight loss, i've always said that i wanted to renew my vows on my 1o year anniversary, so here I am at that crucial half way mark! I figured a picture post was in order - where I started, where I was 5 years on (my wedding day), where i've gotten myself back to now. And what better time to take some measurements etc so i'll do all that this weekend - bring on the next 5 years, I can tell you i'll be celebrating my 10th anniversary looking VERY different!

Like A Kid In A Candy Shop ...

2009-10-10T21:50:00.002+10:30

I'm so excited and can't wait until 11am tomorrow morning! I've been feeling that I need to take the extra step in my weight loss journey and i've finally done it! I've chosen a gym, picked up the phone to make an appointment and i'm going to check it out tomorrow morning.

This gym sounds FABULOUS! I saw an ad on TV a few weeks back for ProFitness which is about 10 minutes from home, I jumped on their website and liked what I saw and filed it in the back of my mind. I wanted Michael to join with me but he doesn't have the enthusiasm to do it at the moment and is worried about the kids etc etc ... personally I think that's just an excuse on his part but to be honest i'm not letting myself buy into that, I need this more than he does and as long as he's happy to support me (which he is) i'm doing it even if it's on my own!

What I loved about this gym is that it fits in with my family and my lifestyle, so much more so than any other options. I've considered going back to Fernwood but it's more expensive, no child minding facilities etc, I also considered Contours as there's one around the corner from work so I could go during my lunch breaks but then what happens on the weekend if I want to exercise then (work is 45 minutes away from home), plus do I really want to limit myself to a set 30 minute workout?

ProFitness is going to cost me $33 per fortnight if I sign up for a direct debit 12 month membership! For that cost I get full access to classes, cardio, weights etc, a personal trainer to design and review programs with me every 6 weeks, unlimited use of the pool, sauna etc and free access to their creche facilities! And they're open from 6am - 9.30pm during the week and 9.00am - 1.30pm on weekends and public holidays!

I've admired Kate's ability to juggle motherhood with the gym by going to the gym at night when her kids have gone to bed and that's exactly what i'm going to do!

The plan is to go every Monday and Thursday night, Saturday morning and Sunday morning and every second Wednesday when I have the day off (with the kids in the creche) - that's 9 workouts a fortnight! And the best news is that I was told on the phone today that as a member I can have free access to the pool for the whole family. So the kids and Michael can swim there with me on weekends!

Like I said, can you tell why i'm excited? I will still do my lunch time walks, I still have my treadmill and of course there's still the wii for some family time too! Can't wait to check things out tomorrow, if all goes well i'll sign up and start going on Thursday!

Oh and as much as I don't advocate feeding my kids junk food today I was one very proud mum to be able to buy my little man chicken nuggets from McDonalds for the first time in his life followed by a soft serve cone that wasn't served in a lid! I'm so pleased he's cleared his wheat allergy and we even bought some Tina Wafers today at shopping which he loved! I don't think anyone really understands what it's like to have a child that was 3 1/2 years old before he could try his first "normal" biscuit - suffice to say he LOVED them!

Ok, time to do some blog reading!

Another Non-Scale Victory!

2009-10-09T23:11:00.002+10:30

I did it again today! Avoided temptation by choosing exercise instead! Once again we had a BBQ lunch at work and when I went shopping to buy supplies I called into Subway to buy my lunch. Just as the smell of BBQ sausages came wafting in the office I ate my lunch and just as the hordes of people came in to eat, I put on my sneakers and walked out the front door to do my exercise - love that feeling!

A couple of people asked me why I wasn't eating and I was able to say quite proudly that i've reached a point in my life where I want the weight loss more than I want the food - it's a fabulous feeling!

I've had to cancel some plans again this weekend - Mikayla still isn't 100% so we're keeping her indoors as much as possible until she gets back to herself and have cancelled her swimming lessons until then too. She was due to start last Sunday and then this Sunday but i've told them i'll call them when she's better. I was so impressed with my little girl tonight. Lachie came running into the kitchen to tell me she was standing up on her own. I grabbed the camera and headed for the family room in time to see my little girl holding onto the bookshelf trying to choose a DVD cover to pull out - too cute!

So the weekend will bring lots of exercise, lots of relaxation and lots of family time - can't ask for more than that! And then I go back to work for 2 days before having 5 days off! Can't believe that this time next week we'll be celebrating our 5th wedding anniversary, how the years fly by.

I may also be in the hunt for a new Weight Watchers meeting! Michael may have the opportunity to do a permanent 11am - 7pm shift (at least until the end of daylight savings). The change would be voluntary but we had a good talk about the pros and cons of it last night with the two biggest pros being $500 a month more in our pockets (due to loadings) and the kids being able to go to day care at 10am instead of 7am! We'll have to wait and see if it goes ahead but if it does a meeting on week nights won't be an option as it would be too hard with both kids so i'll either have to go to Weight Watchers on a Saturday morning or during the week in my lunch break, will cross that bridge when we get to it.

Hope everyone has a fabulous weekend.

Sookie la-la Reporting In!

2009-10-07T21:49:00.002+10:30

Ok, so life is supposed to be full of firsts right? But crying on the way home from a Weight Watchers meeting because of the result - that must be a new first even for me!

So let's back track, with Mikayla in hospital over the weekend I resorted to my usual comfort eating. Looking back it's weird how the comfort food HAS to be the fattiest food you can think of even when you DON'T enjoy it that much! My weekend food choices? Well Friday night in the hospital I got given a left over meal and ate the bread and butter, 2 pieces of crumbed fish and a few chips, the chocolate bavarian cheesecake and the donut and coffee that I got Michael to buy me.

Saturday rolled around and we had hot chips for lunch followed by Hungry Jacks for dinner on the way home on Saturday night. Then of course come Sunday lunch time I was thinking (not sure why) how good the HJ's tasted so I did it all again! Then on Sunday night I ate a massive roast dinner my parents made me followed by apple crumble with cream and icecream!

All the time pondering why do I still do this to myself after all these years? So I challenged myself, I almost dared myself to turn it around and try to minimise the gain instead of adopting the attitude that i'd blown the week and continue this downward spiral for the next two days! I went for a decent walk on Monday and came in at 21 points for the day, Tuesday I had 16 points up to the meeting (pre-dinner) so I was pretty pleased that i'd done what I could (short of starve) to minimise the gain.

So I walked up to the scales and low and behold I ACTUALLY LOST 300 GRAMS!!!! Do I deserve it? Well based on the food list above probably not, but the numbers don't lie and maybe just maybe I did enough the rest of the week to counteract that.

The tears on the way home? Nothing to do with the actual number - more to deal with a massive monkey that I shook off my back - I comfort ate, I recognised it, I challenged it and I WON!!! That was one of the most liberating moments of my life! For so many of us who have a lot of weight to lose, this isn't just a case of dropping some weight and being healthier! I know there are people out there that know what i'm saying when this journey has a PROFOUND effect on every aspect of our lives, it dictates who we our, our confidence, our self belief and our self worth! I've lived that negativity for so many years.

It's the reason i'm on this journey - to overturn the negativity of my past, to give my kids the best start in life, to improve my health and i'm doing it because deep down inside I know i'm worth it, and decisions like the one I made on the weekend are proof that I can do this! There will be obstacles along the way - let's face it anything worth having doesn't come easily, but it depends on how we see those obstacles - they can be road blocks that stop us from achieving what we want in our lives or they can be challenges that are meant to be overcome and what an amazing feeling it is to overcome those challenges!

So i'm riding high today - I weighed in at 121.4kgs - I don't remember the last time I was under 120kgs, it's been a barrier for me for some time, a barrier that's preparing itself to be smashed in the VERY near future - watch this space!

Boring is Good!

2009-10-05T21:34:00.002+10:30

Well after the emotional roller coaster of the last week i'm glad to report a quiet and good family day yesterday and thankfully things are back to normal.

Princess Mikayla is doing much better and is getting her appetite back which is good, but of course i've become a paranoid mum now and check on her constantly regarding temperature etc, hope that settles down soon!

I have today off work to look after her as she needs to stay out of day care until Thursday and my fabulous parents are looking after her on Wednesday! They were amazing during this whole ordeal, looking after Lachlan while we were in hospital, visiting Mikayla, doing anything they can for us, even cooking a roast lamb dinner for us to take home and have on Sunday night because they knew we weren't in a position to cook or eat well. It's so nice to have the support of good friends and family at times like this!

So tonight I face the music - I realise only too well that one or two meals out of 21 does not automatically equal a gain but I do expect to gain all the same. Have to say i'm fine with that and i'm damn impressed with my level of self control that I exercised during this time.

There would have been a day when EVERY meal was a bad meal because Mikayla being hospitalised gave me the excuse to do that - not anymore! There would have been a time when I adopted the attitude of "oh well i've blown it now, I might as well eat this and this and start again on Wednesday" - not anymore! I've made some substantial changes in my relationship with food and that's what it's all about for me.

As i've said before I know that I will always be an emotional eater but the positive news on that front is that i've learnt to regain control back a lot quicker and stop using it as an excuse!

I was pondering last night my new Weight Watchers journey - I lost 8.2kgs in the first 8 weeks, had a gain following my surgery and have lost 800 grams, 1.3kgs and 100 grams since then - that's an achievement to be pretty proud of - time to get back to the basics I adopted in that first 8 weeks and get things moving again!

I love the changes i've made in my lifestyle, love my new attitude to the weight watchers concept, love my meetings and most importantly love the new habits i'm creating for myself and my kids - surprisingly enough i'm even starting to love the exercise - I never thought THAT would happen but i'm enjoying it!

A VERY tough week!

2009-10-04T23:35:00.002+10:30

I've fought some battles this week and come through the other end - it's a great feeling! Earlier in the week I posted on facebook about some problems with Lachlan and i'm pleased to say that they seem to be sorted, at least for the time being, although I still have some residual concerns.

It was heartbreaking to hear my little boy tell me that he played by himself at day care because he didn't have any friends! Now I know the mums out there are going to say that this is normal and that all kids go through these "stages" but there was just such a sadness about him when he explained the situation to me. But what upset me the most was that when I spoke to his leader about it she agreed that she had noticed he was a quieter and sadder recently (and yet she had never mentioned it to me, rang me or put a note in his communication book) - have to say I questioned her right then and there!

I dealt with that, realised I was probably over-exaggerating a little about the whole thing only to have my mum take Mikayla to a doctor for what I assumed was a cold on Friday only to be told that my baby girl had pneumonia!!!! I was stunned, shocked, heartbroken - you name it I felt it, I blamed myself, I immediately thought of my mother in law who passed away from pneumonia just over 2 years ago and I feared for my little girl.

It's been a tough 48 hours but i'm pleased to say that she's now on the mend! We've kept a bedside vigil at the hospital willing her to improve, she was so flat and it broke my heart to see my normally happy baby girl like that but thankfully with the wonderful care of the doctors and nurses she took a turn for the better last night and was discharged this afternoon and is now home fast asleep in her cot where she belongs!

And how did I handle this tumultuous week? By eating of course! I didn't do too badly through the Lachie incident but have to admit that i've eaten far too much crap over the last few days. I've resigned myself to the fact that i'll always be an emotional eater. I can't control that, I don't intend to try, I do however give myself credit for reeling back control over the situation sooner rather than later these days and that's a definite positive.

In the past I would have said that i'm justified in having a gain on Tuesday night because of what happened to Mikayla so would then proceed to eat whatever I wanted for the next couple of days which of course would only make the gain worse. But my new mindset has me tracking and counting points tomorrow hoping to minimise the gain - it's a step in the right direction!

I feel like i've been so isolated from everything and everyone that's normal in my life! I had such a busy weekend planned with a first birthday party, lunch with a friend, coffee date tomorrow, friends over for a BBQ tonight and then suddenly everything was put on hold, the house is a mess, the washing needs doing, I have a mountain of ironing and you know what, none of that matters because my little girl is well again - and that's one blessing i'm going to count for a very long time to come.

All Or Nothing

2009-09-27T21:07:00.003+09:30

I'm doing it again! I truly believe I have been so unsuccessful at this weight loss mission for so long because everything I do I do with the "all or nothing" philosophy. The latest of which - well my committment to blog every day for 21 days! Quite simply it's been unpractical! With a teething baby on my hands i've been spending so much of my time just giving her the cuddles she so desperately needs (and I so desperately want) grabbing a few seconds here and there to do what I want on the computer.

Being conscious of that attitude slipping in again is a good sign, I think making promises to myself i'm not able to keep is unrealistic because what it does it sets me up to fail and if I fail then the negative mentality and self talk take over and it's only a matter of time before that response is shown in the food i'm eating. I hate being a pedantic person and I hate being a perfectionist - sure both have their place in life but not in dieting ... lol

On a positive note i'm celebrating some NSV's once again! Had friends over for dinner last night and Bron wanted to bring dessert, so knowing that she was planning on bringing dessert (one of my favourites) I did the only thing I could! I bought some fruit salad and a tin of light whipped cream when I went shopping and enjoyed that explaining that I only have 700 grams to lose to be back to my pre-surgery weight and i'm really hoping i'll lose that on Tuesday night. I was DAMN proud of myself, especially given how much I LOVE cheesecake but it didn't stop there.

I wanted to give my pedometer a challenge, most days i'm averaging about 6,000 - 7,000 steps, I knew with some planned exercise i'd be able to get it higher so I took the dogs out for a long walk and did indeed manage to get it over 10,000 steps - and I didn't even put it on until lunch time! The walk was shorter than I planned but that's because the lazy dogs looked puffed so I turned off before my planned route.

And today even the rain couldn't stop me - whether they liked it or not I was determined to walk Jessie and Tara again! This time with the hubby and kids in toe, we got about 5 minutes into our walk and it started to rain, Michael turned the stroller around and took the kids home and I decided to keep going IN THE RAIN! Nothing was going to stop me and I felt great for doing it!

I've been picking at a few things this weekend though, which is a habit I really need to start challenging but i'm conscious of it so that's the first step right? Ok, enough rambling from me, I may not be here blogging daily but I will be updating as much as I can! Just posting regularly and reading other blogs regularly i've noticed a definite shift in my mindset and I love the power it gives me to face each new day on this journey. I can and will get this weight off once and for all this time, no matter how long it takes.

On Top Of The World!

2009-09-24T20:58:00.002+09:30

I'm having one of those days where I feel very lucky because all is going well in my life. Work is great, the kids eczema has settled down, i'm starting to get into better routines around the house, my weight loss is going well and i'm weaning successfully of my PND medication - I feel like I have control and it's a great feeling.

After my massively long day yesterday I was chatting to my boss this morning (she is the Sales Manager and also one of the owners of the business) and she told me that they wanted to find a way to show me their appreciation for continual dedication and committment and so that I know i'm appreciated. I told her that if I didn't feel appreciated I wouldn't do the hours and at the end of the day I do what I have to do to get the job done. I reminded her that we have a "give and take" policy where we do extra hours when needed and then take some hours off when we want to and that was enough. But she insisted that I be shown their level of appreciation and advised me that she has instructed the General Manager to give me a pay rise when he does my performance review in the next couple of weeks.

Greatly appreciated, and even I think it's deserved but the point is I had a payrise of $4,000 only 9 months ago! So to say I was a little stunned is an understatement, but grateful all the same at this stage I don't know how much it will be, i'm guessing $2,000 which would equate to about $60 per fortnight take home pay, can't sneeze at that!

On a sadder note my little boy is growing out of his size 2 clothes :-( I know that's a good thing because he is 3 1/2 years old after all but i want to keep him as a baby forever ... lol ... you'd think having Mikayla would be enough but i'd much rather have a baby girl AND a baby boy.

It's going to be a crazy weekend weather wise in Adelaide - i've heard 15 degrees for tomorrow and 13 degrees for Sunday - that's rediculous at this time of the year! Great weather for curling up at home, which is pretty much what we intend to do. It's so nice to have a semi-quiet weekend planned - we're going out for dinner with friends on Saturday night and that's it! Bring it on.....

Oh i'm loving my pedometer and clocked up another 1.5 bonus points on it again today, not bad seeing as between work being crazy and the weather so miserable most of my exercise has been incidental!

I Miss Reading Blogs!!!

2009-09-23T21:12:00.004+09:30

It's been a couple of crazy days here and i've missed catching up with everyone's news - i've really enjoyed getting back into daily blog reading so you can bet that i'll be around catching up on everyone's news tomorrow night.

I actually had no intention of coming onto the computer at all tonight and then I remembered my committment about daily updates for 3 weeks so here I am :-)

Yesterday I worked all day, had a couple of stops to make on the way home and didn't get home to nearly 6pm, by 6.40pm I was out the door heading to my WW meeting. Today my alarm went off at 4.3oam - YES, you heard right! 4.30am!!! I was out the door at 5am and started work at 5.35am!!!

We had an urgent deadline that needed to be met and so I did what had to be done! Suffice to say it was a VERY long day with the only break I had between then and 4.15pm was a 20 minute trip to my mums around 7.30am to give my kids a morning kiss and cuddle (Michael took them there and as they were asleep when I left home and mum only lives 5 minutes from the office I decided to go there to say "good morning" to them).

So by the time work was done I was missing the kids like crazy so made a spur of the moment decision to go out for dinner tonight! We went to Hungry Jacks, because Lachie wanted a play and also a spongebob squarepants toy and I chose what I thought was the best thing off the menu - a grilled chicken burger! I was actually impressed to update my tracker to discover that it was only 5.5 points - on par with Subway! So that will be a regular takeaway from now on me thinks, I even shared some fries with Michael and Mikayla without feeling too guilty because it was all pointed for!

I've pretty much run on coffee today, believe me i've needed it! But I guess that's the joys of being a working mum and a Personal Assistant to 2 demanding managers (not to mention filling in on another role for someone who is on maternity leave). It's my life, I chose it and you know what, I REALLY love it :-) All is well in my world and that's an amazing feeling!

Back tomorrow .....